my twitter account... fallow it...

Friday, June 08, 2012

worst day of my life again...


I’m lost… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what’s going to happen… my life is falling apart… like this is someone’s huge sick joke… it’s hurting me more than any physical strain can hurt me…


My sister nena has been having a hard year… last year she started getting stomach pains and would get bloated big time… so she went in… they ended up keeping her for almost a month… turned out that her heart couldn’t keep up with her body size… so she ended up getting a pace maker put in… at the age of 40… man… so she’s been on pills since then… okay, I had her on a good diet, and was doing good… so then we got our kids taken away… since then she stopped her diet and well, started getting big again… fuck… it was just so much for her… then stupid roger would always give her a hard time too… talking shit and arguing with her… man… fuck him… I hate him more than anything in the world… lately, she would just fall asleep out of nowhere… she couldn’t stay up at all… even when talking to company here at the house… it was embarrassing, but she couldn’t help it… it would sadden me watching her suffer… the last time I took her to the store, she had to rest every couple of steps… in the store I just started crying… I couldn’t help it… I knew what was coming…

After all that, her leg started to swell up… bad… it looked horrible… but she didn’t want to go to the doctors… she was scared at what they were gonna say… idiot… it got bad… she got a condition called cellulitis… sores opened up on her leg and leaking fluids… my other sister coyo would bandage it up for her… nena was embarrassed and would hide it from everyone… man… I told her that it was probably the medication that was causing all of this… for a month we all begged her to go to the doctor… so this Tuesday, kiesha took her to the ER… she told me about the cellulitis and how they have her on antibiotics… and that it was the medication causing all of the swelling… I knew it… anyways… she would call us and joke around like normal… that night I had a horrible nightmare… I dreamed that nena was back, and she was coming out of the restroom… and I said… “why is your leg on the bed nen…?” and I looked at her and noticed that her leg was cut off… OMG, I started crying hard… I woke up crying at 5.22am… i had a horrible feeling… I called nena and she said she was fine…

Yesterday my sisters bugged the nurses to put a phone  in her room… her cell phone died… so they did… then kiesha told me what the doctor told her and what nena didn’t want me to know… I guess she was in there because her heart was beating irregularly… man… then I started to worry… I got scared… I couldn’t sleep last night… today I took my kids to school, got home, showered and drove around town… usually a drive clears my mind from stress, but she was all I kept thinking about… I just couldn’t shake the feeling… I now understand why my dad would leave and do random stuff when my mom was in the hospital… he just wanted to clear his mind for a minute or two… man, I’m just like my dad… now it all makes sense…

 I had a horrible day today… kids stressed me out… their teachers… everything was just fucked up… I almost broke down in the school parking lot… I teared up a bit, but I didn’t want to start crying with the kids in the car… probably freak them out… I got home and went on the forums… Miguel noticed I was stressing so he came with a slice of cake from portos… he’s a good cat… stood here or about an hour or more… for the first time today, I laughed and felt good… i’m so glad I have good friends… I was outside with him with ariana and I kept seeing coyo come in and out of the house… like she didn’t know what to do…

So when they left, she told me… my other sister mag called hysterical in tears… she tried calling nena and the nurse answered the phone… told her that the antibiotics aren’t working, she can’t breathe on her own, and her heart is failing… she’s in an intensive care unit… oh my god… coyo was crying… I sat down, and just broke down… I can’t believe this is happening… this is a nightmare… my sister is dying in a hospital by herself and here I am… doing nothing… I can’t see her or anything right now… holy fuck… what am I going to do…? These kids call her mom… she raised me like my mother… this is so hard for me… we’re going thru court fighting to get andre back… what’s going to happen with that if she doesn’t make it…? i don’t want this to happen… I don’t want her to die… my poor sister… I love her so much…

She’s such a good person… so caring and loving… she would help anyone she could any way she could… she doesn’t deserve this… I want her to come home and be well… i want to see her sitting on her leather recliner hogging up the remote control… I want to walk by and pull her hair or punch her arm… I want her to smile and give the kids kisses… I hope she makes it out of this… I don’t know what I’ll do without her… what about my kids… I don’t want them to grow up without their mom… I want them to know all about her… I want them to live in a normal family with a mom and a father figure uncle… my poor kids… they’re so young… they won’t understand… after being taken away from their home, now they’re having their mom taken away…

Shit… I didn’t want all that to be super sad… but these thoughts are the only thing that I can think of… I can’t even watch TV… my throat hurts, my eyes feel swollen, my tooth hurts… everything is in pain… I can’t stop it from the thoughts of her… the thought of my life without her… our life… without her… I’m so scared… I’m scared for my kids… I’m scared for my dad and family… I don’t know what to do… she used to pay the bills and everything… I don’t know where to send the car payment… what do I do…? Do I ask my dad to move back…? Do I have coyo permanently move in…? what should I do with all of her stuff…? How do I go on without her…? How is my life going to be…?  I don’t know if my kids need new clothes, or what size or any of that crap… I know my friends and family are going to be here for me… I love my friends… I’m going to the hospital tomorrow with jose in the morning… he had no idea what was going on… no one did… hardly anyone knows she’s  in the hospital… I don’t know if I should tell everyone… or anyone…

Please, I hope she gets out of this… I wish someone could help her… help us... I wish she would’ve gone a long time ago… but she just gave up… my mother gave up… she told me… she said to me that she was tired of living and suffering… so she started smoking again… why did my mom give up…? Why couldn’t she fight the cancer…? Now why is nena giving up…? How could she give up on our kids…? How could both of them give up on me…? Why didn’t she call us…? My poor nena… stop giving up… fight for us nena… fight for our family… fight…