El Arkaciah

update... late but whatever...

2012-01-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

i typed this up nov 25...

Well… I’m sitting in the court room lobby again… I thought… why the heck not bust a court room update on this sucka… man… well, yeah I’m back again… and today it’s super packed… I feel like bill gates with my laptop out… it’s super ghetto today… LOL… like big time… there are even pimp canes up in here… HAHAHAHslkfjaslkfjaskl;jfaskl;jf… man that’s hilarious… but I mustn’t forget why I’m here… I’m here today for andre… if all goes as planned, we will get him back today… if we get cock blocked… well, that’s something else… we’re all hoping we get andre back… it’s going to be a mission for a couple of months though… since he’s been at the foster home, we noticed that he’s been acting up and not listening… it took us a long time to get his rhythm and attitude own… since he has some sort of autism and other learning disabilities, we have to build a different structure for him… now that these foster “parents” give him whatever he wants all of the time, it’s fucked up… he’s gonna be a nightmare at home and at school…

I think I’m gonna switch it up a bit… I want to vent about my recent chicken massacre… fuck… holy fucken shit… yeah that bad… you guys all know that I have chickens and crap… well, at one of the last meets, I traded some serama chicks for a gorgeous mille fleur OEGB pullet… well.. those chicks ended up introducing something to my flock… OMG out of 60+ chickens, I only have about 20 or so left… and these weren’t chicks… they were full grown breeders and expensive ass chickens that I have been collecting and planning for future breeding projects… sucks… I had it all mapped out and planned… in 4-5 years I was going to have some amazing malay type seramas… now this set me back to square one… fuck… I can’t believe it happened… also, I can’t figure out what they have… it makes no sense… they’re fine one day, next morning they’re a bit lethargic, and that afternoon they’re deadfaced…

Well… after I noticed that cowboy and my self blue breeders were gonna die, I got bummed out sick… I haven’t gone to a chicken forum in a long time… it’s just been hard for me to realize that well… I lost a lot of my chickens… this is worse than when my lake Tanganyika cichlid tank crashed and lost hundreds in exotic fish… these birds have personality, grace, hilarity and showed some sort of affection towards me… sigh… now I wait… I have to clean everything spic and span then disinfect with some chemical that’s super expensive… :sadface: stupid emoticons don’t work here… the great thing is that I have a bunch of awesome chicken friends that are donating some decent roosters to me… I totally feel the love… although, I rather pay for them… I’ll see what happens… 

I just spoke with my attorney… it doesn’t look good… fuck… I don’t know what’s gonna happen… but we’re fighting… and fighting as hard as we can… this is a nightmare… parents worst reality… and the sad part is that there are hundreds of cases around me… they’re all going thru the same shit… it’s freaken nuts… the system obviously doesn’t work… hopefully, we will realize this as a society… all of these kids needing medical and psychiatric help after the they get into the “system”… my kids are getting counseling and other shit… what pisses me off is that tey’re making it look like if it’s all our fault… like we’re the reason they are how they are… stupid state… I wish I could just move my family and animals and friends and stuff to mexico… but a good spot in mexico… like on the side of a mountain somewhere… LOL…

sadness and sorrow is all i feel...

2011-10-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

October 25, 2011

Today might be one of the worst days of my life… I haven’t felt this bad since my mother died from cancer… and it’s going to be like this all week…

I haven’t moved from the couch since 5pm… I’m just waiting for a phone call from someone telling us what time and where we can see our kids… today, they were taken away from us… a police officer came today, talked to us, then left… told us that we have nothing to worry about… minutes later a social worker came over… told us that the school reported us… again… no biggie… but this time, he did have a bruise on his cheek from when he fell and hit himself on his bed… we told them, and we told the teacher about it too… but I guess they just didn’t care about the notes we sent with him, and still reported us…

Then the social worker talked to all three kids by themselves… then she left… stood in her car for about 30 minutes talking on the phone… then walked back in and said that she’s going to take them… fuck… it was a huge shock for me and nena… but it felt like a joke a bit… I laughed and started talking shit like always… then someone else came and told nena to start packing up their bags… fuck… matthew kind of felt something, and he jumped behind me and started hugging me… I couldn’t do anything about it…I told them that we don’t hit our kids, and that all of these papers say that he does self-inflicting injuries all of the time… but they don’t care… after that I just sat here… gave them all a kiss, and they left not knowing that they aren’t going to come home tonight…

Right now it’s killing me… knowing that they left all happy thinking they were just going with these nice people… they took their favorite toys, clothes and homework… I don’t even know if they ate anything… I was just about to make them something to eat… i was on the floor coloring with matthew when the social worker came… right now the color pencils are at my feet… when they were walking the kids out, I text jose… “they’re taking the kids…” and he came right away… I feel bad for him because, I couldn’t talk anymore… I just sat here… he was talking with nena and desiree, but I just shut down… haven’t really spoken to anyone… I just ate right now… but I can’t stop crying… I don’t know what to do… I’m just waiting for a stupid phone call… they should’ve called by now… no one has come to my house for hours… I don’t know if it’s a good thing…

For some reason I woke up with a feeling that something bad was going to happen… earlier when I was taking ariana to her preschool, I tweeted “I Have a feeling that today is going to be one of those emo days for me... remembering me mom before I forget her forever... “ for no reason… now it makes me wonder… maybe I knew something tragic was going to happen… but why..? maybe my mother was trying to warn me…?? Nah, I don’t believe in that shit… but still, it’s tripping me out… man, I just realized that they took the kids away 3 hours ago… and it feels like it was forever ago… time slowed down so much… all I can do is sit here and think about them… I can’t stop… bill has been texting me, but to be honest, I don’t feel like talking to friends… I don’t know what to do… I just posted on the chicken forum that I might get rid of all of my chickens and animals…

This Friday we’re going to court… there we will find out what is going to happen with us and the kids… we can either get them back, or permanently get them taken away… if I don’t get them back, I don’t know what is going to happen… I feel like giving up on everything and everyone and just leaving to another state or something… start an entire new life somewhere else… I have done it before… well, kind of… last time I left, I was sleeping under park benches and freeway overpasses with other homeless bums… today is the first time I have ever felt like a failure.. although I know I didn’t… I tried my hardest… I did whatever I could… these are not my biological kids from my own seed… but they are my kids… I love them and treated them as good as I could… I really want them back… I already miss them, and can’t believe they’re gone…

And don’t worry people… I’m not gonna go kill myself… I’m not that stupid… and if I do, and you know me, you will get a phone call when I do… seriously… I have a death list in my room inside a brown envelope labeled “for jose, please read” that has numbers, emails, contacts, forums, profiles, websites, passwords with detailed directions on what to do.. I’m not suicidal… but you never know what could happen… I know way to many people and when I die, I want to have a HUGE funeral… just like my mother’s…

Well, I have to go…. I have to sit and think about what I’m going to do… I’ll post another blog Friday after the court hearing… wish me luck, and thanks for reading… it means a lot to me…

so here i am sitting in the children's court waiting room... LOL...

2011-09-27T13:34:00.001-07:00

So… I'm sitting in the court waiting room here in children's court… I think in the city of el monte… not sure… yeah, I just asked nena… el monte… I'm not going to get into detail with the case and such, but I really just need to vent a little… so bare with me…

First of all… I'm a little pissed because while waiting in the mediation office, I started coloring an awesome picture of the shredder in a ninja turtle coloring book… I just got done doing his face and a bit of his chest when they called us in… man… do you know how much I hate when that happens..? I'm totally pissed just because of that… yeah, I know, but srsly… WTF is up with that..??¿ what if some other jack ass kid comes in and fucks up what I started…? Or what it someone else finishes it and signs it on the bottom even though I started that piece of art… OMG I SHOULD'VE SIGNED THE BOTTOM!!!!!... oh well… now here I am writing about it… the page in the book I never got to finish…

Well, mediation was kind of cool… only because the lady told us that there is a huge chance that the judge will just look at the paper work and dismiss it… that felt great… but after looking at all of the charges that the stupid social workers put on for us… it really doesn't look good… fuck.. I don't understand how they totally fucked us over like this… we aren't bad parents… andre has been going to school since he was two years old… the kids are doing so great… all going to school and learning a shitload… we're helping them with their homework, and getting involved with the school as much as possible… I don't understand this shit… social workers are evil and total retards… I hate them now…

Yesterday I had to see the biatch social worker for an interview before the court date… man, I really want to finish coloring that page… so in the interview, she asked me a couple of questions and I answered they… we talked about how the kids are doing… I explained to them how I felt about the ridilin medication they prescribed matthew and why I didn't want to give it to him… but they don't care… all they care about are the numbers and I really don't know what else… they see the kids all happy and shit… fed and growing… but yet, they still find the smallest detail to incriminate us and take our time here with court dates…

I hate this… I should've been at the gym right now… but right now, I'm sitting on this hard wooden coffee table box, and surrounded by a mix of innocent people like us and real life child abusers… the ambience here is tiresome, overwhelming, and sad… every single case is a bad case… even when we were first trying to adopt the kids in this same exact court room, it was a sad case… we had a sister that kept popping out children that well… just didn't care about them enough to stop her way of life… yesterday while in the interview I almost broke down in tears because of that… I haven't seen my sister coyo in a couple of months… and talking about her when she was at her lowest reminded me on how weak we are as humans… I couldn't help her… I just sat there and watch her drown and die slowly in a white river of drugs…

I'm gonna switch it up a bit… I want to talk about yesterday a bit more…. I had a terrible day yesterday… the morning was cold, I didn't go to the gym, and I felt like I was getting the flu… you know, when your body aches, head hurts, have hot breath, and a fever… yeah, that was me… even after taking an ibuprofen I still felt like caca… the day turned a bit when we went to the gym and I won a couple of games against jose and macoy… even some one on one games… so I did pretty well… but when I got home, I took my laptop and went to my room… I don't normally do that, but it's that desiree stayed the night and I didn't want to make noise in the living room… after a while of talking shit to a mod on BYC, I logged into this one website where I met this one dude…

Okay… let me switch it up a bit again… LOL… ii met this kid online… he was a nerdy kid, all weird and shit… his profile didn't say much, but I hit him up anyways… I got his number somehow, and we talked for a bit… I kept asking him out, but he said he was sick… then out of nowhere, he said yes… so I took him to frank and sons… yeah I know… totally geeky and nerdous first date amirite…? LOL… well, he is a bigger nerd than I am, so I thought it was fitting… so… we ended up having a cliché type date… you know… restaurant, guitar center, park… LOL… I had a great time, and he said he was too… we talked for a long time after that… regularly… he told me all kinds of stuff… like, how he enjoys our conversations and well, everything I would want to hear really… then out of nowhere… he just stopped all communication with me… no emails, text, calls, messages nothing… I text him one last time inviting him over for the fourth of july and I thought to myself… that's it… if he doesn't respond or anything, oh well… fuck it… thug lyfe…

And that was it… never heard from or thought about him ever again… I wasn't heart broken, but it did really suck… I even told my family about him because, well I thought he was going to end up kicking it at my house or something… but I guess he had other plans… whatever they were, oh well… there are so many maybes that I can type up, but to be honest, I really don't care… I'm over it… oh yeah… I almost forgot what else happened around that time… there was this dude that I used to hook up with… yeah I know, I'm a whore… who cares… LOL… anyways, this guy would come over all the time, and I would ask him out every time he would come over… we had so much in common… liked the same shit, had the same sense of humor and taste in music… I really liked this kid… more than the nerd… J lol… anyways, I would always ask him out, and he said that he couldn't because of work and his family… closet case maybe..? whatever, that's really understandable… I know it's hard to be gay… so after the nerd stopped talking to me, I hit him up… I text him like… hey remember me… or something… he was like… OMGHI2U… so then I asked him out… yeah, I don't like asking shit like that over text, but whatever… guess what he told me… he said that he couldn't because he was in a relationship… fuck… that was it… after that move right there, I was kind of a wreck…

That day was the first time I have ever felt alone and un wanted… i have never in my life felt that way… it sucked… even when I went to the gym, I felt lost… my heart wasn't broken or anything… I just felt like shit… I really had no one to talk to about it either… well, I told jose, but what advice does he have to offer to me…? LOL… seriously… he's a good listener, but not someone I'd go for advice or wisdom… that's usually my job… sigh… I don't understand … not like I was in love with those guys… just never been rejected like that before… total shut down… well, after that I decided to turn my life around…

So let's go back to yesterday… LOL… so I'm sitting there in a room with this social worker that is a total biatch… I hate her… when she came to our house all she did was talk shit about the rug and dirty wall… LOL… my house is not a mess, but it's also not filthy… and the rug is brand new… brand spanking new… hundred something dollar throw rug… that bitch was straight out tripping that day… and I told her that yesterday too… fuck her… I just let her have it… I'm not the type of person to get punked by some twat that thinks she has a bit of power… I'm a lot smarter than her, and have years of education on my back… not like her… wtf do you need to do to become a social worker…???¿ apply…? Yeah, that's totally not enough to be in charge of all kinds of kids… fuck her… fuck those people… and I let her know what I thought about her yesterday too… shiet… she probably hates me now… but oh well… now she knows who the hell she's messing with…

I bet she didn't even have kids… I wonder if she does if they have ninja turtle coloring books… hmmmmm…

I really don't know what else to write about… I have no internet here… at least I'm not the only dude with a laptop… well, some attorneys have laptops… the awesome thing is that my laptop is way better than theirs… LOL… looks like they're typing into game boy pockets… all tiny and shit… I feel like asking one if that's the new black berry fail… ha… but there is a man across the room that is working with his apple laptop… I really don't know if his is better than mines… I doubt it, but with a mac, you never know… all I know is that his mouse pad doesn't have a right click… that's fucken dumb… apple people… are fucken dumb… why would you want a mouse with no right click… that's like something else you cannot do… there's a random white dude sitting across from me sitting on the floor… he's sitting down spread eagle for some reason… I'm gonna ask him if he's asking me out to lunch… LOL… j/k… he has his kids sitting next to him… his 12 year old daughter is crocheting… fuck… how boring is that dude… whatever… you're here for some reason mister… I bet you sit like that in front of your kids naked you sick fuck… CLOSE YOUR LEGS!!!...

You don't know how bad I want to go home… nena is sitting next to me and she's falling asleep… man, that is something else that worries me… she is so unhealthy right now… and she doesn't listen… she got a pacemaker put in earlier this year… she is just getting worse and worse… I don't know what to do… the other day I took her to the store with me, and she was panting, getting tired and breathing heavily… I couldn't watch her… I almost broke down in tears… she is also dying and I'm trying my hardest with her… I had her on a great strict diet, but her friends still feed her bullshit… I tell her that they aren't her friends if they aren't helping her towards her goal… but she just ignores it… I have told her and made her watch all kinds of stuff about it… man… I don't want to give up, but if she isn't helping herself, then that means she gave up a long time ago…

That day at the store as I drove her home, I told her… I told her that when I look at her suffer, I feel like crying… she's my sister… I don't like seeing her just waste away like this… we used to go all over the place before and now we can't even go to the market because she just gets too tired too fast… every doctor she has had tells her the same thing… hopefully she realizes what she is doing wrong before it gets worst… well, it's already very bad… who the hell gets a pacemaker put in at the age of forty…? Jebus Christ… what am I going to do now…? I guess I'm doing all I can… I just hope I don't fail…

Being an adult totally sucks… everything was a lot easier when I was a kid… I know everyone says that too… I do so much shit in one day… so many responsibilities… let me break down a typical morning for gumbii… I get up at 7am, shower, at 7.45 I take matthew and andre to school… I get home change and go to the gym with jose… the spin class starts at 9.15 and is an hour long… after that I go home, chill for like 10 minutes then go pick up andre at 11.30… then I rush home to take ariana to a different school at 12.05… I can't be late taking her either… if I get three tardies or whatever they will kick her out of school… wack… so then I get home, feed all the chickens, the dog, the birds clean a bit, and at 2.10 I have to go pick up matthew at the school across town… fuck… then go home feed kids feed myself then at 3.45 I go back to downey to pick up ariana… fuck… I can't do shit all morning until after 4pm… by then I don't want to do shit… I'm tired and worn out…

I really need to get a job… I don't want to be driving the kids all over the place because I'm taking exercise out of nena's day… right…? That's something that she should be doing… she should be the exhausted one not me… well, I'm not trying to say that I don't want to pick them up… but that she really does nothing all day… and driving the kids around will help her out somehow… but yeah I need a job… this chicken hobby has turned into a huge mission… LOL… I'm gonna call up some places I applied to tomorrow… I think it's too late right now… it's like… 11am right now… yeah… I've been here for 3 hours already… every time we come we usually leave at 2pm or so… life fucken sucks… oh shit… some little girls just came in with food and raspados… LOL… I can't eat that shit… I'm on a strict diet remember…

Fuck this, I'm gonna sit on the floor now… now I have to get up… great… the mediation lady just told us that we really can't do squat in fighting this case… I knew it… oh well, I tried… so now I have to wait to see what the judge will say… wack… but whatever… what can I do…? I'm just getting punked and bitched around by the system… even the mediation lady said the same shit… all this is un necessary and a huge waste of time…

Well I gotta go… I'm gonna work on the GSSC logo some more and maybe samurai showdown 5 special… LOL… lates… well that was a huge bust… LOL… I opened up the logo they want me to vectorize, and well… I can't use it… it's trash… freaken lady, I told her what I can and cannot do… I told her that I can't have a bunch of small lines or zig zags and that's what the new design looks like… sheesh… some people just don't listen to instructions or just don't pay attention… Oops… I hope she doesn't read this… LOL… I ♥ you kate… HAHAHAHAHA… I'm so bored here… I really should've come with a couple of coloring books and crayons… I think this might be the longest blog I have ever typed up… usually it's a copy and paste thing… but I'm so bored and went on a rampage up there…

Maybe I should be working on my book or a logo… but I just can't close the Microsoft word program… I just feel like I should be typing… nothing else to do… next time I'm bringing some head phones and some movies… LOL… I feel like I'm just sitting here getting fat… I'm not eating anything, but I'm just sitting on the floor with my legs crossed… I am so damn bored… I don't want to talk to people around me… they're all weird and look violent… the people next to me say the word "fuck" at least 3 times in a sentence… well I just spoke with my attorney, and I can go home…. LOL… but I have to wait for nena's attorney now… jeez… it's 12noon and they all left for lunch until 1.30pm… fucken ay… so I'm just here… kind of starvin' marvin… but I don't have to eat… I know nena does though… I feel bad for her… I don't' want to go get her something and pay another 5 bucks for parking… LOL…

I have successfully connected to their network… but it's being a nazi on websites… I can use AIM, google+, google maps and google search engine… and that's it… sigh… I wonder how I can get round the block… hmm…well, I think I'm really done this time… I'm tired of typing up stuff… well; I'll post this up later on when I get home if I don't forget…

Lates…

so i got into a fight... again... KUMQUAT TREE!!!...

2011-09-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today… I got into a fight… like, a real fight… man, let me tell you how it all went down… HAHAHA…

Okay, so you guys know I hate roger and I hope he dies soon… right…? Well, yesterday and today he’s been drinking and acting all stupid… yesterday, I started digging up my front yard to flip over the dirt… for some reason, he just started talking shit to nena… he was like, I know he’s putting stuff into your head, and blah blah blah… man, I really don’t give a fuck what they do… they’re adults, I’m an adult… solve your own freaken problems… anyways… he was all drinking and causing a scene… I have patience, so I just let him have his little moments… but man, he was embarrassing me and nena so bad…

He was even walking around the street all tough… LOL… jose felt like kicking his ass because as he walked into pepper’s house, he was walking all tough backwards and almost fell over… we all had a laugh, but I think that made it worse… so… then nena left… she basically left me home alone with the kids and that retard… I was outside shoveling dirt around, and jose was keeping me company… then he heard roger saying something about he was going to pull out my plants once I plant them… LOL… so I asked him… “what did you say…?” he came to me and was like… “nah, I just wanted to say that I want to plant some palm trees right here”

I knew about the palm trees… nena had told me before that he wanted palm trees… and I told her no… wtf..? palm trees…? That’s fucken stupid… I’m on a mission hunting down some awesome rare fruit trees… and he wants to plant some useless tall cheap trees… fuck… he’s so retarded… so then I say… “no…” he’s like… “but, what are you gonna plant?” and I say… “whatever I fucken feel like it…” by this time I’m already pissed off… btw, I had a shovel in my hand… he’s like… “but too bad, I want palm trees” so then I looked up… HAHAHA… I looked up and told him… “who the fuck are you to have any sort of say at this house…? This is my house… you want palm trees, and I already told you no once… that should be enough… shit… I rather ask my dog Buddha what trees he wants in the front than you… you’re a silly little joke… go away…”

So then he left… then got mad, and I dunno… I didn’t see him for like 20 minutes… jose left, and that dude came back… roger was like… “I’m sorry gumbii, I know I’m acting all stupid, and I want to help you, so what do I do?” I looked at him, and said… “nothing… go over there or somewhere not here… thanks…” so then he left… HAHAHAHA… whatever… then he was still acting stupid, and whatever… I forgot what else happened… I think he went to his room, and I took a shower and slept… this morning I guess they were still going at it… he was all drunk still, and causing scenes… so whatever… I told nena that I was going to kick his ass… and she was like… whatever… LOL…

So… i came back from the gym, and I saw that he was bleeding… LOL… nena punched him in the face and her huge diamond ring cut his face… hahahaha… so he made a scene, and tried to call the cops on her… HA… so then i came inside, and picked up the kids… when I came back, he was gone… I had sexy googles and a friend named gina come and play PS3… so we chilled, played and stuff… so then I had to go pick up the little girl from school… when I came back, he was here talking shit to nena I guess… I’m really not sure… but he said something about my face… and let me tell you… I had had it right there… fuck… I started talking shit… I dogged him out and well… I got pissed…

After talking shit… he was like… “what do you want me to do?” I said… “get the fuck out of here…!” and put my hand on him… I was kind of pushing him out with my sharp nails… then he stopped, so I put both hands on him and shoved him harder… he held his body up and tried to make me flinch… fuck… big mistake stupid… I didn’t even hesitate… I punched him in the face with my right… a quick left, and another right… then I shoved him hard and sent him flying… he landed near my new kumquat tree… (YAY KUMQUAT TREE!!!) his head slammed into the brick walls… and landed kind of wedged there… so I got on top of him and just started punching his face as hard as I could… I think I landed about 6 solid hits…

He somehow flipped over face down… I punched him again but it kind of hurt my hand… that pissed me off even more… I punched him in the back of his neck with my left and then with my right I punched him in the back of the head as hard as I could… I cut his head with my rings plus smashed his head on the dirt… so I couldn’t punch his face any more, so I went in for the kill… I bit him… yeah I know… I bit him in the back of the head sick… I put my hands on his face, and scratched him sick… as I was running my sharp ass nails on his face, I felt my left pointer finger go into his eye and I tried my hardest to get his eye out, but he turned a little… I really planned to blind him… if I could, I would’ve pulled his freaken eye out, I swear…

So I scratched his face nasty… deep ass cuts… then I put my weight on his head smearing his face on the dirt… LOL…. Man… then somehow I started to hear things around me… I heard nena screaming, “stop, chacha (my little girl) is crying” so I stopped… I got up, and he tried to get up, but I kicked him in the back of the head with my ankle… right into the bricks too… so he slowed down and crawled up again… I said, “get the fuck out now!!!” and kicked him like three times to get out… fuck… it was hilarious… then he turned around, and I saw his face… he was bleeding like crazy… fuck… I didn’t know I destroyed the kid that bad… but that’s what he gets… screaming shit out and walking around saying “this is my house!” fucken retard… every time he gets drunk, someone ends up beating his ass or running him over on purpose… and still he doesn’t learn his lesson… wow…

It was crazy… happened super fast, but he has to understand that I’m not a joke… just because I don’t fight all the time doesn’t mean I’m never gonna kick his ass… before, I let him say whatever he wants, but it’s different now… I’m tired of his shit… and I know that I’m going to keep kicking his ass every time he deserves it… I’m not a violent person… LOL… well, try not to be, but when I’m pushed, someone is going to get destroyed… he swears that he could kick his ass… man… no one knows that I can kick ass… I dodged two good swings but that’s all he threw out… kind of sad and funny at once…

Oh well… I’m tired, today rocked, and at the gym right now, I beat jose and macoy at racquetball 6 games out of 8… woo hoo… totally made those bitches run… what you got on my gearbox racket fuckers… 18ga string at 35lbs in your motha fucken mouf!!!...

i hate hippies but ♥ chickens... read on...

2011-09-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I didn’t keep making my blogs, so what, you wanna fight about it…? Anyways… I want to talk about people that I hate a bit… that’s right… hippies…

Well, not all hippies are bad… I really ♥ sue from BYC… but some tree hugging retards need to get a real life reality check… just because everyone thinks it’s cool to be politically correct, or at least sound so, put their un needed two cents into all kinds of bull shit… well… let me setup the story all quick… so there’s this Hasidic jewish thingy where they get a chicken, pray some weird shit… twirl it over their heads, and then kill it because obviously, the chicken got all man’s sins… I know, it doesn’t sound that bad really… so, there’s this petition going around to ban that shit… OMG, what the fuck… I got so mad when I read that… well, let me quote the stupid thread… hold on…

Susan rudnicki
I got this notice through my membership in United Poultry Concerns, a group which looks to the humane treatment of all fowl and pressing for their protection. This petition concerns the Jewish orthodox ritual of kaporos, which involves swinging a live bird through the air, gripping it by the wings and intoning words to transfer the human's sins to the helpless animal. Then, the birds are butchered. Most of this occurs in front of children of all ages, a desensitization of children's natural fears for animal pain. Many birds are dumped in the rain or hot sun if not used in the ritual, and are crated without food or water for days before and after. The petition site explains the many rabbis who have deplored this practice as not being supported by the Torah or Jewish teachings. Please help us stop this awful, cruel practice

So of course I was the first one to post… let me copy what I put up the first time… LOL…

Gumbii garcia
man... i understand when they regulate egg factories, hatcheries and butchers/stuff... but when it's a religion... that's a tough one... that's like telling people to stop praying to their god... i am far from a religious person, but i respect their beliefs and traditions... i think everyone else should do the same, especially in the era we are in... this is somewhat ridiculous...

me, being a breeder think i do much worst... out of 100 eggs that hatch, if i see some that aren't up to par with my breeding program at up too one week of age, i will hold it over the trash can, and cut it's head off... i usually end up with 60 birds or so... then i do it again at 4 weeks, and sometimes at 6 weeks... then end up with one or two hold backs for the breeding program, and about 10 for sale as show/breeder quality... i know it sounds hard, but i am a true breeder, not a propagator... i need to build a name for myself, and want to only release and make quality birds...

plus, i have friends that caponize their meat birds and then eat them... how is this much different than what the jewish community is doing...? i have seen it done before... they don't grab him by the wings and twirl him around all hard... they just hold them like they are flying... the chickens look like they don't mind since they are dumb meat birds raised to die anyways... this entire petition is insane...

it's okay for someone else to buy a meat bird/broiler kill it, and eat it... but to spin it in a circle and kill it it's so much worst...??¿ i don't get our society or don't understand what direction it's going to... seems that people are just losing grip with humanity... they're forgetting that animals are just that.... ANIMALS... i go to the mall and see people with dressed up dogs like if they were their kids... they are not your kids people... i do ♥ my dog, but in the end, i know it's just a dog... i will not put him over any of my family or friends... as soon as he shows any sign of pain or suffering that can't be fixed by meds or treatment, he's gonna be put down... no tears, no funeral, maybe a picture or so... but that's it... why...? because he was just a dog...

i know i sound heartless, but that's just the way it should be... on BYC i talk to a lot of farmers and poultry people from out of state... if they see their a neighborhood dog going into their yard and killing a chicken they will do what they call SSS... that stands for Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up... and if their dog does the same thing, they will do what needs to be done... they also raise their kids to help with the birds, and when it is time to, to help kill and prepare the chickens to eat as well... or cow, pig, goat whatever... my kids know they're going to eat larry the roo... that's their favorite roo, but oh well... he's gonna be mole in another month...

i dunno... sorry i went on a rant... i just get worked up when i see hippy petitions or videos on youtube... LOL...

google youtube for "kaparos" and see for yourself... tell me if that's worst that people butchering videos... or dubbing... btw, i also dub my show roo's....

what all of that that bad…? No… right….? It’s all true anyways… I’m also not talking shit to the original poster… I said that the petition is retarded and insane… isn’t it…? Like… am I in the wrong…? I don’t think so… check out what some jewish chick wrote… LOL…

Barbara
As a Jewish person I must point out that this practice is not common in our community. I have never heard of it before I read about it here. As a matter of fact, I was shocked, disgusted and embarrassed that a small, fundamentalist fringe group should reflect so badly on the Jewish religion. This practice, dating back to the Middle Ages is not deserving of respect and should absolutely be outlawed! The Kosher laws to which the Orthodox community subscribes developed out of a sense of compassion as well as cleanliness. Treating an animal with such cruelty is not consistent with Jewish traditions!

I am a vegetarian. My belief, shared by many people of all faiths, is that the world would be an entirely better place if we treated all animals and humans with compassion.

Okay… I didn’t put this on the thread… but doesn’t this chick sound like the worst jewish chick on the planet… first of all, she has a picture of her holding a chicken to her face on her avatar… wtf… jewish people don’t do that… they hold keys up to their faces with two mercedez keys, key to their safe, keys to their houses and a lucky fuzzy kangaroo toe… right…? Then she’s a freaken vegetarian… OMG… you’re a freaken hippy… you can NOT be a jew she doesn’t even know about the chicken twirling trick… fail… anyways… the first hippy ended up putting this stupid shit…

Susan rudnicki
yes, you are right this is not common but practiced by the Orthodox. However, there are significant numbers carrying it out in Brooklyn, NY, the Bronx, and Los Angeles. It is a quasi-religious practice growing out of old superstition that the sins of the man can be transferred to a innocent animal. Jewish religious scholars and rabbis have condemned it as not supported in the religious texts and pointing out, God has placed a higher rule before us--do unto others as you would have them do to you. Their comments and responses to the practice of kaporos may be seen on the website I linked the original petition to. In fact, a substitution ritual has been promoted whereby the person swings money around the head, intoning the chants and prayers, and the money is collected for the poor. This goes a lot farther to helping others than the torture of animals. There are many other religious rituals that have come into question in modern times, most causing pain and suffering to women and animals. Female genital mutilation, "honor killings", and the Hindu practice of 'gadimai' Just because some religion does a thing does not make it moral or not subject to scrutiny or criticism. These practices usually represent some perversion of the intent of the original religious purpose, often because of inherent human tendancies to profit. Gadimai, for instance, has been staunchly fought for by the animal dealers who provide the thousands of animals for the ritual bloodbath. Poor families stripped of their savings, brainwashed by the crowd mentality, are fair game for these merchants. Get informed about these things, and there is a lot of dirt underneath

gumbii garcia---I get the feeling you didn't really read my post, you call it a "rant" and don't address the issues of my post and characterize it as "hippie" and such. Everyone has their blinders, but you might read the reply I sent to Barbara, who IS Jewish and a more thoughtful commenter. There is much more to the Kaporos practice than the final butchering and if you really looked into it, you might find there is little to recommend it.

yeah… I know… so stupid… I did not call her post a rant, and I did address the real issue… not the pretenzeez issue that the petition speaks of… and I already said that Barbara isn’t jewish… she’s a poser… doesn’t even have the nose or look… and I did research the practice… I actually spelled it right in the first post I put up, not like her… LOL… stupid hippies… oh, hold on, let me paste what I put up…

gumbii
it... is... just... a... chicken...............

today i went to a golden state serama council meeting in the morning... i spoke of this to them... since we are all "breeders" we all saw it with the same point of view... let me tell you that most of the serama breeders, well, chickens are their life... it's also how some of them make a living... chickens to them is not a hobby, not a pet, not a friend, not their child and not an object... they are the ones responsible in making great breeds like cochin, silkies, leghorns, OEGB and all breeds... if it wasn't for their dedication and culling technique, we wouldn't have them...

btw, it's spelled Kapparot... i learned about this practice in college... now do me a favor and tell me the difference between this...

http://www.youtube.co...

and this...

http://www.youtube.co...

and this...

http://www.youtube.co...

why is one more humane than the other...? and you're comparing the slaughter of a single chicken that was born to be killed and eaten to a person in a sacrificial religious ritual...???? hmm... yeah, i really want to listen to someone that puts up that analogy... no offense, but that just doesn't make sense to me one bit... like the little girl that got taken to court because her friend filmed her spanking her puppy after it pee'd on her carpet in her room... everyone acts like the animal is going to get depressed and hang itself onto a tree or something... it's a freaken dog... sigh... the girl was 16 years old... i wonder what the lesson she is learning after all of that ordeal... i feel sorry for the future generation of animal owners...

everyone has to be so political correct... instead of fixing humanities major problems, you try to save a chicken... maybe because it's easier to do... i dunno... you tell me... instead all of you should be signing this petition... http://www.thepetitio... that's a way you can make a real positive difference in the world... banning something that can be still done underground without anyone knowing... yeah... huge difference right there... that's like banning marijuana or making it illegal... LOL...

btw, i didn't call your post a rant... i called my post a rant... i really don't want to offend anyone... i do ♥ my chickens, but as an enthusiast and a breeder, i don't want people to think of chickens as their children... that's silly, and inhumane... don't forget what chickens are realy bred to do...

right…??? Right…??? Fuck…!!! Here’s what she put…

susan rudnicki
I know you called your post a rant---because it was. And you are the one specifically justifying your position on the planet and in Society by all the human species oriented acts of self-lessness. Far be it from me to try to change you--there are some who are still evolving to a place that does not regard every living thing on this Earth as a subordinate life-form to homo sapiens. Mark Twain, the master of irony, said ---
"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions" This seems to express your philosophy succinctly

Man… is this lady freaken serious…? I did not call chickens dumb… I said people that treat them like their kids are dumb… it’s a freaken chicken… they’re happy in a wire cage as long as they get a piece of tortilla or bread every once in a while… sheesh… these people get them for eggs… wow… fucken… well, here’s what I put… oh no wait… I think someone else wrote something else…

Oh, never mind… people started saying that we shouldn’t be discussing politics or touchy subjects on a public forum, blah blah blah… WTF is the forum for then…? Honestly, if they don’t like the subject, hit backspace or close the window… that easy… no one is forcing you to read this garbage… not like you’re sitting on a wooden bench surrounded by stained glass marked with lies… anyways, I said this…

Gumbii Garcia
my original point was really not political, or talking about religious issues... i was just stating that people really need to get over the fact that a chicken bred and raised for human or animal consumption and will never ever have a good life... is just that... a chicken that was bred and raised for human or animal consumption... a straight run chick that you buy at a petshop to feed to your snake... i think that's a way worst fate... but it's accepted right...? a guy twirling a chicken slowly and then killing it quickly... that's a horrible and inhumane crime against the animal kingdom..?

do you see what i'm trying to say...???

lol...

hahaha... oh well... i ♥ my egg layers and show birds...

also... when i was little my family had a bunch of huge palomino rabbits in the back yard... i remember my dad gave me one and i raised it as my pet... it got huge and fat... then my cousin's came over and my dad started butchering all kinds of rabbits... yeah, he was a butcher for foster farms... anyways... he asked for my rabbit, and i handed it to him... i knew that he was going to kill it, and that i was going to eat it... and i did... i didn't cry over it... i didn't feel like i missed a friend... i just knew he was a cool pet, and was delicious... my kids now know that the huge blue rooster i have in the back is going to be a meal for us pretty soon... i told them all that when we eat chicken, it was once a bird... and told them that we kill them to eat them... they're like... cool... they have also seen eggs hatch out of my incubators, and they know that the eggs in my fridge could've been baby chicks as well... very smart kids...

somehow, people now and days lost grip of those facts or "beliefs"... i watch shows like animal hoarders and kind of feel sorry for those people... they use an animal to fill in a void in their life... they present themselves to think that is their child or even soul mates... now, i understand why people cried in that will smith movie where he had to kill his dog... but after you wiped your tears.... do you remember that it's just a dog...? they die all the time... they even kill eachother... i remember watching that kingsley kid talk about how people got mad at lady gaga because in the music video, they poisoned an entire diner, and even the dog died... people were furious that the dog died... OMG people, she just killed like 30 something people and all they think about is the silly dog... like if that one dog's life was more valuable than 30 plus people... what if that dog bit a little child's face off then it got poisoned... does that change anything...?

doesn't that scare you...? that is how people really think out there... it really does scare me... they say that in a couple of years the human race is going to split genetically... one is going to be primitive and instinctual, and the other will rely almost 100% on technology... if something happens to their environment, who do you think will survive... and who do you think will put an animal over hunger, or even it's friend's or family...? the mind is a terrible thing to waste... don't let yourself get brain washed over silly propaganda like what peta does... if anything... they should put an end to whalers instead of making a cheesy reality TV show... all they have to do is make the army shoot whoever is after the whales... problem solved... but everyone would rather just save a production red hen instead...

dude… am I full of shit or what..? it makes sense to me… why can’t those retards make sense of what I’m saying.. instead, they said it’s ignorance… yeah, hold on… let me find that post…

Kathy
I find your posts really depressing.

And also, the attitude expressed in them is one of the reasons I wanted to have my own chickens. A reaction against the jaded, uncaring attitude towards animals that' so widespread (but shrinking everyday). I wanted to honor them, treat them as members of the family, give them a good life, not demean or commercialize them, not kill them because they were not useful. I find them all precious to me and they give me a lot of enjoyment thru their personalities and antics. I feel bad for people who miss out on all of that because it can be truly joyful to connect with nature this way. But the worst is to try to justify the cruelty with blind ignorance.

My chickens are my pets and I'm proud of it! :-)

Well Kathy… i… am offended… LOL… ignorance is a very bad word… now and days, it’s worse than calling someone a nigger, wetback, red neck, spick, chink, whatever… I rather be called a wetback or beaner a million times before ignorant… let me find the post I put after that hating ass hippy…

Gumbii Garcia
blind ignorance...?

it is my responsibility to keep a certain breed looking the way it does... it's people like ME that get an speckled sussex and mix then with brahma to produce quality and genetically perfect light sussex chickens... how do you think it got to that...? hard work, time and heavy culling... very heavy culling... right now i'm working on two projects to produce solid chocolate OEGB and blue laced silver OEGB... it's going to take me about 7 whole years... i'm also involved in a malaysian silkied serama project with a large group of BYC members... i don't understand how i can be ignorant about chickens when all you guys want them for is to make you laugh and eggs... i'm sacrificing years out of my life to create a color on a chicken just because people would want them... it's NOT going to make me rich... i'm also not the only one in the world doing it... there are already chocolates out there... but i just want my own show lines... so then i can sell them for 20 bucks a show bird or donate them to the local 4H like always... LOL...

but yeah... i'm ignorant... read all of my post and see what really makes sense... i wonder what you guys think about people that have roaches as pets... because i do have several species of pet roaches...

wow...

damnit, I’m stupid… I should’ve said a lot more shit in that post… LOL… oh well… but after that post, no one else posted anything… I guess I shut them up… calling me ignorant… OH EM GEE!... look at what these people put… shnap, I think she edited something out as well… I remember reading something like comparing this chicken crap to human sacrifice and spiritual body mutilations… or did she…? I dunno… whatever… I’m tired, and pissed off right now… freaken hate people like this… I went on a couple of rants on youtube as well… who the hell cares if the girl kicked the dog, or if the cat is on LSD… everything is done for a reason…

I really think these people are sick in the head… how can someone walk around with that mentality…? What do they tell their children when they explain to them where the stuff comes from that they are eating for dinner…? They’re just making their kids so damn stupid… maybe it’s a Mexican thing, but I tell my kids everything… I think I’m a great parent doing that too… makes them strong… not no weak wrist faggot ass hippies… no offense to the gay people out there… I’m gay too, but I do hate faggots… but that’s another blog some other time… right now I have to go check on the baby chickens in the brooder… I didn’t feed them today… Oops… fail…

yes... i am a jerk... i hate everything... get over it...

2011-03-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

Why am I such a jerk…? Fuck… how do I still have friends if all I do is talk shit… well to them it’s talking shit, but I’m really trying to help them out… also, I really hate religious fucks… LOL…

After Javier left, I got into a pretty big fight with my sister nena… I saw her letting this lady (I hate I hope she dies) drive her new van… fuck… why the hell is she letting that goblin faced biatch drive it…? She can drive perfectly fine herself…. Those people don’t have anything nice… not one thing that is considered nice to have… they’re on welfare, talk shit about people behind their backs, and all of her daughters and sons are useless pieces of shit… one of them called my house the other day… she had just had her baby, and it got taken away because she had drugs in her system… she told my sister to get a hold of her mother, and to pick the baby up if they could… supposedly she was staying at this recovery home here in bell gardens… bull fucken shit… I saw her at pepper’s house with sneaky and other gangsters… why else would she be doing there if she wasn’t getting high…? Maybe prostituting some more…

One time her sister told me that they didn’t have any bread, so she got up, announced that she was going to go sell herself really quick to buy stuff to make sammiches… fuck… even her little girl heard that… how the hell does a person do that…? Fuck… why is that person living in the same house as me and my kids…? Why isn’t she locked up in a cage somewhere…? Stupid society… hate that shit… she always has money in her pocket because of this society allows her to roam the streets… man… when I become president, I will put an end to all of this stupidity… so anyways… the mom and sisters hit up the social worker to see what she could do, turns out that a week before, that girl called the social worker on her mom, saying that she’s doing drugs and treating the kids wrong so she could get the kids taken away… fuck… now they are mad at her, and don’t want to go pick up the little girl… BTW, she named her cayla… yep… with a fucken C… how the fuck do the hospitals allow people to name some kids… I would’ve been talking shit to her and tell her how it’s supposed to be spelled… she named her that because the recovery home she’s at is called kayla’s house… and she named her after the recovery home… THEN WHY DIDN’T SHE SPELL IT WITH A K!!!???... omg…

So now the little girl is going to go to a foster parent… that sucks… it’s not the little girl’s fault… she didn’t ask to be born… why punish her…? People are fucked up in the head… I can’t believe my sister let this lady that is punishing a 2 day old child drive the van… fuck, I hope this lady suffers how she’s made so many people suffer… she used to tell everyone to call her mom… so I used to call her mom after a while… until the day came she called the police on me because I was hanging out with her son in law that just got into a fight with her daughter, and wrecked the windows of his own car… HIS OWN CAR!!!... fuck… so the police had me on the cold ass floor… I was so pissed… ever since then she’s a common piece of garbage to me… nothing but drama… nothing but bullshit… nothing but chaos… one day, chaos will destroy that family, and I want to be as far away as possible from them… chaos spreads, and has a way of spreading onto others…

Sigh…

Well, here’s some other bullshit that I just wrote up for a stupid response about having illegal chickens… I own illegal chickens… I’m only allowed to have two hens, and right now… I have 38 chicks/hens/roosters… that’s a lot of chickens… LOL… so they made a thread named “who owns illegal chickens?” and out of nowhere, some jack ass bible thumper put this garbage on the site…

Quote SpeedysBigRedHow many of the posters on this thread who have admitted to keeping illegal chickens, and bragging about it, have children? How many believe they are religious? How many support our troops, honor the flag, and believe in the laws of the land - and teach that belief to children? How many believe that the laws are not for you, or that maybe you're just bending the law? Regardless of the justification you use to circumvent a law, as long as that law is on the books - it is the law! If you want to change the law, do it legally, (And, yes, it takes time and might never happen) but until then don't flaunt the law just because you don't believe it pertains to you.

Fuck… that shit pissed me off… I can’t talk a lot of shit on this forum because I like this forum… it’s called backyardchickens… LOL… they’re nice and full of knowledge… so I held my tongue a bit and wrote this…

wow...

i am not religious... i do not believe in god, as a matter of fact, i used to go to the church of satan and read the books by anton zander levey... i have facial piercings and my ears have huge 1 1/8th holes in them... i have pentagrams tattoo'd on my shoulders and a huge one on my chest with "666"... i was in gangs, i'm a high school drop out, and have gone to jail... oh, and i'm gay...

LOL, man i sound like a horrible person... jeez...

after all of that stuff... i have my AA as a chrysler auto tech, my BA in english and philosophy, own a house, adopted three of my sister's children because she was in drugs and in and out of jail, when a friend has no where to go (homeless) they know to come to my house, i will never say "no" to someone that needs food or shelter, i will go far out of my way to help someone i just met and i have never done drugs and also stopped drinking period 3 years ago...

i think i'm a good person... i wish to believe everyone on this forum is a good person... so the way i see your post, especially the thing about me not being religious, is somewhat offensive... because i don't believe in your god, i'm a bad person..? just because i have 38 illegal chickens and i can only have 2 hens in my city, that makes me a bad person as someone that hates this country...? are you saying that i automatically hate my country because i'm not like you...? it's people that think that way why this country is so backwards and evolving backwards in the human race... yes, i said that... i'm not hurting anyone...

i only have two neighbors... one neighbor has roosters too, and the other one gets eggs and loves my birds... i think i'm going to help him build a coop soon... two months ago the city came to my neighbor/best friend (2 houses down) and told him to get rid of all of his roosters, quails (bob white and cortunix) and just keep two hens... so we hid them... i guess it's because the coop was visible from the street... so he got it signed off, and we moved them to the back... i know he knows we all have chickens, but he doesn't say anything anymore... i guess it was more of a visual thing..? but anyways... the law is dumb, even the code inspector thought it was dumb... we have OEGB's and they are way quieter than the other neighbor's std game birds...

but like everyone said before me... it's a dumb law, and even the people enforcing it know it's dumb... the city next to mine (literately behind my house) can have chickens and over 200 pigeons, poultry and fowl... the houses look the same, streets are the same, it's retarded... and i can't fight it because my small town has a lot of illegal chicken owners that have been breeding/propagating chickens for years... so they told me, if it ain't broke, why fix it..? i understood completely...

also... please don't judge someone because they aren't religious... you do not know why they aren't religious, or how, so why would you throw stones...? is that what jesus would do...? people like me do get offended when people thump the bibles in our face, cast us aside, and say we're sinners... the funny thing is that we 100% always turn the other cheek... not because that is jesus like, but it's tolerant, and the thing to do...

peace, love, and happy hatching...

what I really wanted to write was FUCK YOUU!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF YOU!!!!!!!!!... seriously… I’m so tired of being labeled a bad person because of my tattoo’s, views, beliefs, and my sexual orientation… I’m sure there are thousands of people that feel the same way… what ever happened to tolerance…? Seems like there isn’t a chapter about if in the bible… these people swear they are perfect and kind… nothing but two faced hypocrites if you ask me… every devote Christian family I know is jacked up… they spend the entire weekend listening to some ex con, sit next to drug users, thieves, criminals and sing retarded songs just so other people could think they are good people… while at home, their kids are doing drugs, lacking attention/love and are total failures… it never fails… it’s like it’s part of their religion… srsly… how do these people live with themselves…? How can they go around torturing their children and setting them up for nothing but failure…? Fuck… it’s a jacked up cycle… their kids get raised wrong, become criminals or retards, find god, become Christians, then do the same to their kids… it must be stopped…

why can’t people just break the cycle…? If I’m in a cult like Christianity, and everyone around me has jacked up kids, I am NOT going to do what they do to their kids… raising kids is so damn easy… even mentally challenged kids that come out on MTV’s teen mom can do it… why can’t a devout Christian..? why…? Someone, please answer that question to me… because I am without a clue here… if they are so good people, why can’t they raise good children…? Instead of reading that stupid book, they should take some parenting classes… but no… that will just take too much time away from their praying… like if that’s going to make a difference…

fucken james… LOL… he’s making me blog rants, but I thank him… at least he reads them… I have to stop being such a lazy fat shit and write one at least every two days like before… oh well… I ♥ james…

how i spent my birthday.... LOL...

2010-12-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

i think i'm gonna disable the spam comments filter thing... i miss the death threats and hate mail... so let me know what's on your mind... even if you hate me... i don't care... thx...

For some reason, I’m bummed out… all kinds of bad shit is flowing thru my head… first of all, I’m sick, and didn’t feel like going anywhere today… I just wish I would’ve stayed in my room all day long… I don’t know what it is… I kind of don’t want to get into details… but I’m kind of tired of being me… what’s the use of me being so loud, if no one ever takes my advice or listens to what I have to say… I’ll just start staying quiet…

Fuck… right now I’m listening to my stupid ex-brother in law complaining about my nephew… fuck him, it’s his fault that he’s a horrible father… that shit drives me nuts… why can’t I tell him that all of this shit is caused because he doesn’t know shit about raising a kid..? I actually feel sorry for him… but fuck him… he’s an asshole… that’s why he can’t walk without crutches… karma is a bitch, and he got punished for some reason right…? Look at him… he’s pathetic, and is gonna suffer all his life… I wonder what he did to deserve this… let me think about what I know he’s done… um… one, he sells drugs… he brought drugs into my house once… I hated him for it… we didn’t’ get nothing out of the deal or anything… I’m not gonna be a hypocrite and say that I never say I didn’t get involved with dealing drugs… but I did it for a couple of days… but this dude has been doing it for years… Imagine all of the kids that smoke his shit, get sick, or die from his drugs…? That right there deserves to lose the ability to walk like a normal human being…

Another thing, he’s the reason my sister first got into drugs… he drugged her… got her addicted bad… she was lost… started stealing and all kinds of crazy shit for it… and he did it because that way she wouldn’t leave him… that right there makes him the scum of the earth… I hate him for that, and I will never forgive him… it eats the inside of me knowing that he did this to my sister… she went homeless, went in and out of jail a couple of times, and was living in tents on the side of the freeway… she ended up getting with this other loser, and had 4 kids with him this way… the first three were taken away from her… and now they’re mine… not to sound like an asshole, but kids were not in my game plan… I hate kids… but what am I gonna do…? Let these kids get lost in the system and be taken away to some strange houses… fuck that… if someone’s gonna fuck these kids up it’s gonna be my crazy sister and I… LOL…

Part of the worst thing about him is the way he treats my nephew… whenever he comes over my heart drops… his dad can’t take care of him the way we were taken care of… or even the way his dad was taken care of… he had everything when he grew up… but now I see my nephew coming over to my house hungry as fuck… I hate that… that’s one thing that just grinds my gears… it’s so easy to feed your kids… don’t you sell drugs mother fucker…? WTF do you do with the money…? Jeez us… well fuck it… like I say, that’s life… I can’t go around complaining about stuff I can’t do anything about… although I might be able to do something about this… but maybe it’s too late… and I can’t afford to take in a teenager… fuck that jazz… I can barely take care of my teenager lifestyle… amirite…¿

I think I’m going to go nuts soon… I can’t stop thinking about certain shit… like, I really need to start riding my bike again… big time… I lost some muscles in my legs, and chest… that’s what’s bugging me the most… my boobies are all flabby now… LOL… I know I’m not one of those peoples that are all into their looks or body… but having a bit of muscle does kick ass… maybe I should start working out…? Fuck that… LOL… that’s for faggots… and you know it’s true… my dad never went to the gym and he’s a fucken MAN!... hahaha… if I get fit and everything, that would suck… I hear skinny people get cold all fast and I’m not into wearing pants or knitted sweaters casually…

Btw, my dad came over yesterday… he stood the night… seems that he is going thru some shit with his new wife… she left him… he didn’t have an appointment or a valid reason to come over and spend the night, he just came I guess to see us… he wanted to get away… I went to the store with him for a throw rug… he wanted one… so I said, let’s go… he told me that she wanted to go live with her daughter that is going to have a baby… fuck… that’s a poor ass excuse to leave someone… right…? Fuck her then… she took all of the furniture and even his tv and stuff… what a bitch… she’s lucky I don’t go and visit them over in that garbage dump of a country… yeah, they live in Mexico… LOL…

I told him… if she’s old enough to open her hairy legs and get pregnant she could take care of her own spawn herself… but she just wanted to jam I guess… and he shouldn’t feel bad… plus, there are other bitches out there… my dad isn’t ugly, and he’s fucken rolling in money… what dirty Mexican lady isn’t gonna want to suck that man’s dick…? Shiet… he feels like he’s too old… but I told him… if I had his money, I would do the same shit… get some young biatch, buy her some fancy things and fuck her for the time being… amirite…? Why the fuck not… he was like, nah, I’m not like that, wu wu wuu… asjkl;fjasklfsapdfaslkdfjkl; dammit, why can’t people live out their animalistic prowess’s…? we are freaken animals and are supposed to fuck everything that walks… we all suppress the wrong shit…

I feel bad for my dad… he’s in his house all alone with his two dogs… he came and saw my chickens… he loved my mini urban farm… he used to have chickens before I was born in this house… I guess it struck him with nostalgia because he started talking to me about my mother… we said stories and stuff, relaxed outside a bit and went for lunch afterwards… that was a very nice moment… I will remember it forever… it’s a shame it is one of a few times that I can say I enjoyed spending with my father… I wish everything was different… but it’s not… I came out all psychotic and somewhat weird and shit… why couldn’t I be normal and have a normal relationship with my family… dysfunction is the only thing I know… chaos and lament… like a PH13 rated rob zombie flick… with some fail…

I think my dad is going to sell his giant pad in mexico and come back… I hope he does… gets rid of that jack ass roger and I can see him more than just once a month… maybe it’s not too late to have a relationship with my father… I would want to take him fishing, to some farms to pick up some chickens, maybe to a reef event or pet expo… let him see what my passions really are… I hope these aren’t false hopes… what if he comes and it’s just like before… ignoring problems and hours of yelling/pointing fingers…. You wanna know what really sucks…? The fact that I am just like my dad… I’m angry, mean, weird, psycho, and funny… but I’m also social… maybe my dad was social like me once… then he had kids… fuck… LOL… oh well… that’s enough for now… I wonder if james read all of this… leave a comment james and stop lurking… zing!!!...

December 18 2010

So I just opened up Microsoft word and all kinds of people started texting and IM’ing me… bastards… oh well… I just want to start off by saying that I’m going to go back to my OG style of blog… you know… where I just talk all kinds of shit about people or stuff that I hate… I’m tired of people I know going up to me and say shit like, “omg I didn’t know that you blah blah blah…” fuck… I don’t care if you read my blog… but I already typed this mother fucker up… I know what I typed up… I’m not stupid… I’m the one that spent half an hour typing this shit up… I don’t need you or anyone else telling me about it… if you read it just say, hey I read your blog, and I’ll be like… cool… then we’ll start talking about fish or chickens or how much chris cornell fucken sucks… if you do that, mother fucken thank you…

So it’s my birthday… yeah I know… I’m fucken old… twenty and nine years old… what have I done with my life…? Absolutely nothing… LOL… I’m here blogging in the living room… ghost in the shell is on TV… the reef tank is to my left… it’s fucken raining outside and it’s pissing me off… and I think jeff buckley is playing on iTunes… let me check… yep… Dink’s song by jeff buckley off of the live at Sin-e… bomb ass album… everyone reading this should buy they… fuck, I had planned what I was gonna talk about, but I just now forgot… fuck… I feel like shit… just finished eating a giant cupcake… I really shouldn’t have done that… I hate being sick… I wish I was healthier and not so insane… I really should be finding out how I’m going to build this incubator…

I hate the rain… it’s cool… shit grows after it stops ‘cause I don’t’ water my yard or trees… LOL… but I feel like I can’t do shit… I hate it… I can’t build or do stuff outside… just feeding my chickens today was a huge pain in the ass… I want to go to Lancaster too to check out some chickens and maybe bring home a couple… but again… I don’t want to drive so damn far in the rain… anything can happen… no bueno… that’s how horror movies and some gay porn videos start… OMG talking about stupid horror movies… hold on… let me start a new paragraph…

Fuck man… stupid roger… I have never hated anyone more than this fucker… shit… sometimes I feel like poisoning his beers that he has in the fridge… seriously… he was watching the hitcher or something… I guess some movie about a hitch hiker and he kills these people for no fucken reason… how the fuck can you sit in front of a TV to a movie like that… that’s not stupid…? What the fuck is wrong with this retard… seriously… what goes on thru his head… that all of that stuff is cool…? Does he really want to kill someone like that…? By tying them to a semi and a trailer..? maybe he believes that there are people out there that really do go around killing people in some awesome three stooges trickery that they show in these movies… I can talk bad about the movie in front of him, but he will still sit there and watch it… fuck… and when I put on scott pilgrim, or even moon (not the gay vampire one, but the sam Rockwell masterpiece) he walks out of the living room… that a total retard… fuck… did I mention that I hate him and want to poison his beers…?

Shit… I hate stupid people, and god has cursed me with a retard like this for a brother in law… wtf did I do to deserve this…? Is it because I killed all kinds of cats…? I thought god hated cats… HAHAHAHA... enough about god… don’t get me started on that myth… but I really hate this kid… the sad part is that he likes me… he tells nena all of the time that he wishes I would talk to him like before… shiet… he’s a retarded moran… there’s no way I’m going to talk to that retard again… what am I gonna talk about…? All he does is drink beer and listen to rap music… how can you live such an ignorant lifestyle without wondering how life would be if you didn’t get hi/drunk and listen to garbage…? Oh well…

Shit… i didn’t get to put up this entry on time… LOL, I totally forgot about it… nothing important happened, but I just forgot to put it up… might as well start up another one… hold on…

So I was freaken bored today… it’s like Tuesday or something… xmas is this Saturday… I went to home depot to spend some cash on the incubator, and then wanted to swing by walmart to get a salad and some other shit… fucken ay… a quarter of a mile before the parking lot, there was sick traffic… it took me twenty five minutes to reach the parking lot… mother fucken poor Mexican last minute shopping fuckers… damnit… I just got in the parking lot and asked nena what else she wants… she wanted a salad… so I said, fuck that… what the fuck was the entire world doing at that walmart at that time…? It was ridiculous... and all I wanted was a freaken salad… imagine the lines inside the store…? Hells no… there’s no way I was gonna stand in a line surrounded by mutants and mouth breathers… I hate people already, that would’ve just send me over the top… I don’t want to have a heart attack at that store… I hate this store… hate it… I hope it dies… srsly… fuck you walmart, I hope you die forever…

Man, I hate the rain… all of my chickens are soaked… they’re all covered in mud and stuff… it’s stupid… I feel bad for those fuckers, but I’ve been reading threads in BYC and I’m not the only one… seems that us Californians don’t build our coops/pens with rain in mind… c’mon… it only rains like for one or two days straight max, and only several times a year… this thunderstorm is a 7 day system… now everything is fucking up… my roof is leaking, the cages are all warped, the wood expanded… this shit is straight out stupid… all kinds of stuff is ruined… the chicken food is getting wet… it’s horrible… absolutely horrible… I also have to finish my incubator, but I can’t work on it or anything… I also need to calculate everything to see how much this thing is costing me… if it’s less than a bill, I win… even if I don’t hatch shit… LOL… a cheapie piece of shit incubator starts at a bill… and something like mine goes for like 4-6 bills… so far I think I spent 50 bucks on it… I dunno yet… need to crunch numbers…

Well that’s enough of this… I’m getting tired of typing, and don’t have anything more to say… I’m kind of just babbling off here… see you in a couple of days…

it's like the world is drinking ipecac and vomiting on me...

2010-12-14T22:41:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I’m bummed out… all kinds of bad shit is flowing thru my head… first of all, I’m sick, and didn’t feel like going anywhere today… I just wish I would’ve stayed in my room all day long… I don’t know what it is… I kind of don’t want to get into details… but I’m kind of tired of being me… what’s the use of me being so loud, if no one ever takes my advice or listens to what I have to say… I’ll just start staying quiet…

Fuck… right now I’m listening to my stupid ex-brother in law complaining about my nephew… fuck him, it’s his fault that he’s a horrible father… that shit drives me nuts… why can’t I tell him that all of this shit is caused because he doesn’t know shit about raising a kid..? I actually feel sorry for him… but fuck him… he’s an asshole… that’s why he can’t walk without crutches… karma is a bitch, and he got punished for some reason right…? Look at him… he’s pathetic, and is gonna suffer all his life… I wonder what he did to deserve this… let me think about what I know he’s done… um… one, he sells drugs… he brought drugs into my house once… I hated him for it… we didn’t’ get nothing out of the deal or anything… I’m not gonna be a hypocrite and say that I never say I didn’t get involved with dealing drugs… but I did it for a couple of days… but this dude has been doing it for years… Imagine all of the kids that smoke his shit, get sick, or die from his drugs…? That right there deserves to lose the ability to walk like a normal human being…

Another thing, he’s the reason my sister first got into drugs… he drugged her… got her addicted bad… she was lost… started stealing and all kinds of crazy shit for it… and he did it because that way she wouldn’t leave him… that right there makes him the scum of the earth… I hate him for that, and I will never forgive him… it eats the inside of me knowing that he did this to my sister… she went homeless, went in and out of jail a couple of times, and was living in tents on the side of the freeway… she ended up getting with this other loser, and had 4 kids with him this way… the first three were taken away from her… and now they’re mine… not to sound like an asshole, but kids were not in my game plan… I hate kids… but what am I gonna do…? Let these kids get lost in the system and be taken away to some strange houses… fuck that… if someone’s gonna fuck these kids up it’s gonna be my crazy sister and I… LOL…

Part of the worst thing about him is the way he treats my nephew… whenever he comes over my heart drops… his dad can’t take care of him the way we were taken care of… or even the way his dad was taken care of… he had everything when he grew up… but now I see my nephew coming over to my house hungry as fuck… I hate that… that’s one thing that just grinds my gears… it’s so easy to feed your kids… don’t you sell drugs mother fucker…? WTF do you do with the money…? Jeez us… well fuck it… like I say, that’s life… I can’t go around complaining about stuff I can’t do anything about… although I might be able to do something about this… but maybe it’s too late… and I can’t afford to take in a teenager… fuck that jazz… I can barely take care of my teenager lifestyle… amirite…¿

I think I’m going to go nuts soon… I can’t stop thinking about certain shit… like, I really need to start riding my bike again… big time… I lost some muscles in my legs, and chest… that’s what’s bugging me the most… my boobies are all flabby now… LOL… I know I’m not one of those peoples that are all into their looks or body… but having a bit of muscle does kick ass… maybe I should start working out…? Fuck that… LOL… that’s for faggots… and you know it’s true… my dad never went to the gym and he’s a fucken MAN!... hahaha… if I get fit and everything, that would suck… I hear skinny people get cold all fast and I’m not into wearing pants or knitted sweaters casually…

Btw, my dad came over yesterday… he stood the night… seems that he is going thru some shit with his new wife… she left him… he didn’t have an appointment or a valid reason to come over and spend the night, he just came I guess to see us… he wanted to get away… I went to the store with him for a throw rug… he wanted one… so I said, let’s go… he told me that she wanted to go live with her daughter that is going to have a baby… fuck… that’s a poor ass excuse to leave someone… right…? Fuck her then… she took all of the furniture and even his tv and stuff… what a bitch… she’s lucky I don’t go and visit them over in that garbage dump of a country… yeah, they live in Mexico… LOL…

I told him… if she’s old enough to open her hairy legs and get pregnant she could take care of her own spawn herself… but she just wanted to jam I guess… and he shouldn’t feel bad… plus, there are other bitches out there… my dad isn’t ugly, and he’s fucken rolling in money… what dirty Mexican lady isn’t gonna want to suck that man’s dick…? Shiet… he feels like he’s too old… but I told him… if I had his money, I would do the same shit… get some young biatch, buy her some fancy things and fuck her for the time being… amirite…? Why the fuck not… he was like, nah, I’m not like that, wu wu wuu… asjkl;fjasklfsapdfaslkdfjkl; dammit, why can’t people live out their animalistic prowess’s…? we are freaken animals and are supposed to fuck everything that walks… we all suppress the wrong shit…

I feel bad for my dad… he’s in his house all alone with his two dogs… he came and saw my chickens… he loved my mini urban farm… he used to have chickens before I was born in this house… I guess it struck him with nostalgia because he started talking to me about my mother… we said stories and stuff, relaxed outside a bit and went for lunch afterwards… that was a very nice moment… I will remember it forever… it’s a shame it is one of a few times that I can say I enjoyed spending with my father… I wish everything was different… but it’s not… I came out all psychotic and somewhat weird and shit… why couldn’t I be normal and have a normal relationship with my family… dysfunction is the only thing I know… chaos and lament… like a PH13 rated rob zombie flick… with some fail…

I think my dad is going to sell his giant pad in mexico and come back… I hope he does… gets rid of that jack ass roger and I can see him more than just once a month… maybe it’s not too late to have a relationship with my father… I would want to take him fishing, to some farms to pick up some chickens, maybe to a reef event or pet expo… let him see what my passions really are… I hope these aren’t false hopes… what if he comes and it’s just like before… ignoring problems and hours of yelling/pointing fingers…. You wanna know what really sucks…? The fact that I am just like my dad… I’m angry, mean, weird, psycho, and funny… but I’m also social… maybe my dad was social like me once… then he had kids… fuck… LOL… oh well… that’s enough for now… I wonder if james read all of this… leave a comment james and stop lurking… zing!!!...

am i the surviving twin, or just a spawn from hell...? and i have chickens... LOL...

2010-11-15T01:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know I haven’t been doing this “blog” thingy enough… whatever… I just forget and shit… sometimes I feel like doing it with my cell phone, but WTF am I going to be doing sitting in a car or something typing up my blog… that’s pretty teh fails… well, let’s start off with what I’ve been into… you know me… I’m always changing my lifestyle or hobbies… LOL…

Well… I still have my bike… but I haven’t used it in like… months… LOL… I still have my fish tank… but I haven’t done a water change in like… months… LOL… I still have my leopard geckos… I heard them… and I’m going to to get MOAR like in… days… LOL… but the thing i gotten into lately is chickens… yeah I know… fucken weird amirite…? I never thought I would get chickens… I always said I wanted chickens, and roosters are so FTMFW but man… I have a shitload now… I just wanted one… it started off because jose got a pair… I was like, man he looks cool, but then that fucker said hold him… FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH… he was such a cool bird… so kick ass, and super tame… I fell in love… so later that week I converted my old pigeon coop into a chicken coop… it was easy… just moved the stick from the top to the middle, and got a new feeder… LOL… so I got my first bird… he’s a crele old English game bantam… so a miniature fighting rooster… he was cool but lonely… so I got him a hen… fuck… I ended up getting him like ten hens… LOL… now I have 19 chickens total… four roosters and four different breeds of chickens… I ♥ them so bad…

Let’s switch it up a bit… as some of you guys know, my sister was in emergency and got a pace maker put on… I yelled at her today about her eating… she is still trying to eat sweets and shit… she doesn’t know why I have her on such a strict diet… fuck… she was like… the doctor said I should be on a low sodium diet… so I snapped at her today… WTF does she want…? Does she still want to get fat, but hold the sodium only…? That shit doesn’t work that way… either stop getting fat, or fucken die I told her today… because that’s the thing that’s going to happen… she’s gonna die if she keeps it up… I hope she isn’t cheating… but I think I scared her enough to actually listen to me and do what I said… no one wants to be in the hospital with needles and shit in your arms… or more surgery… this was a huge life changing reality check for her… I hope she learns from this, and this isn’t one of the first of many trips to the emergency room… even though she’s stupid, she doesn’t deserve all the stuff she went thru… but all of this happened because she didn’t listen to me before… I would always tell here to get on a diet, but she never took me serious… now look at what happens when you eat EVERYTHANG!!... you die…

Oh well… the good thing is that she listens to me, and ask me before she eats anything… I’m proud of her for doing that, but still, she shouldn’t ask me if she could eat that candy or something… that just makes me pissed, and makes her look like a fat ass… LOL… if she wants to cheat, just do it… I’m not your fucken dad… but I am trying to help you out for the better… fuck, no one listens to me… it’s crazy, because I was just telling this to Javier today in the car… there are so many people that would’ve been better off doing what I told them to do… everyone… everyone I know would be happier if they listened… but no one listens to me… it’s weird… like if I’m fucken stupid… or some clueless idiot… i believe that I am smarter than most people I know… I don’t want to bust out with a number, but I am surrounded by idiots… everyone… even my neighbors are dumb… they may know how to do stuff that I don’t, but that does not make them smart… ugh… I have a scab on my eye lid and when I rub it it bleeds… WTF mate…? But anyways… they’re all dumb… I can count on one hand the people that I know who might be smarter than me… LOL… man…

But srsly… I hope my sister gets better, and on track to a better life… shit, we have kids now… if she dies, wtf am I gonna do…? I can’t get married… I’m not going to pretend to be straight and get married with a wench so she can take care of them… I’m over that bullshit… never again… but really, I can’t even imagine what I would do… I’d probably ask a friend to come live with me or something… fuck… what a mind fuck that is… and the sad part is that I wouldn’t call any of my family members to help me… why..? look at the paragraph above… all of them are idiots… wow, I do talk a lot of shit… let me start a new paragraph…

I’ve been going fishing with Javier… good guy, love him as a friend… but I talk way too much shit to him… well to anyone really… I even got into it with some stupid hippies on this chicken forum today because they were stupid… LOL… fuck, I really wish I could’ve talked a lot more shit… fuck them… but I like this forum, and I want to stick around… the chicken hobby is the same as the reptile forum… everyone is nice and polite… not like the reef tank forum… nothing but fucken haters and bitches… srsly… fuck them… fuck reef central… but yes… too much shit I spit… oh well… that’s what i do… I just feel bad for some people… like Javier… I feel like whenever he’s around me I make him feel like shit… I ask him, but he’s like, nah I’m cool… fuck that front… I want to know the truth… right…? If you don’t tell me, I’ll keep going for the kill… why…? Because I’m the devil… and he knows that…

Let me clarify that a bit for you guys… he’s been going thru a Christian drama trip… and I’ve kind of been shooting him some advice… and well, my advice is all about him… whatever I think would make him happiest and help him out the most in the end and in the now… but everything I say makes me sound like I’m some anti-god heathen… for reals… it reminded me of Sean Washington from school… he was this jehova’s witness friend of mine…we would always get into religious debates, and I would always win or make him feel stupid… but man, he would put up a good fight, so I enjoyed those arguments… anyways… one time he told me that he described me to his pastor and his friends at bible study… the pastor told him that I was the devil… LOL… and that he shouldn’t stay away from him, but that he should be careful of the advice I would give him, and not to be fooled by my false guidance… hahahah… like if I was making him walk on hot coals… whatever church brother… LOL… but shit… you don’t know how many times I have been called the devil, or evil by some people…

Did I ever make a post about my god complex, or is it in the actual book…? I think I put it in a book… well… like I told Javier today… I have a severe god complex… I like the feeling of controlling and making everything around me suffer… animals, people, friends, insects… as long as I can, I will… but I’m trying to work with that problem… but still… with people I still harvest the idea and mess with people’s minds that way… I make them buy stuff… I make them think stuff… I sway them to my liking… I contradict their human nature until I win… and I always win… I always get what I want… no matter what it is… damnit all… I am evil… what if I am the devil…? My earthly mission is to come and make everyone around me suffer… either by me telling them that they are dumb, or by making them buy something they don’t want or need… it doesn’t matter… I’ll find a way to make their life un easy… wow… I just realized that I am so freaken awesome… lol… but I have to stop doing this shit… I like my friends… even when they treat me like shit, or piss me off… I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world…

the worst thursday of my life... or maybe just a close call...

2010-09-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

this happened too me thursday... fucken nuts...

i got an email about 9am and that woke me up... i looked at my phone and it said that the president of our local reef aquarium club daughter passed away this morning... i got out of bed and ran to the computer... fuck... she was like four months old or something... so there are a couple of threads on RC and shit... so all morning, that's all we talked about... on the forums, on the cell, text, aim everything... shit... it was horrible news and it spread like wildfire...

so anyways... since i think saturday, my right testicle started hurting... it hurt like i sat on it or hit it somehow... fuck... so whatever... monday it went away and i drove to palmdale to help a friend pick up an engine for his 61... the day after, fuck... my testicle hurt, but the pain went all the way up to my belt area... it fucken hurt pretty bad... so i talked to a couple of friends and one dude that lifts weights said it was a hernia, and it will go away eventually... so i relaxed a bit... i thought it was testicular torsion at first... FUCK!...

so today, i woke up feeling all right down there... but after i took my dump before my shower... FUCKEN AY!... man... it was horrible... also... this is kind of embarrassing and weird... but after i finished pissing, it felt like i just finished busting a nut... and it felt like i was actually nutting still... i looked down, and semen was coming out of my junk... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!...

so that shit scared me... i jumped in the shower, and i could hardly move... it hurt so damn bad... when i got out of the shower, i sat on the toilet, and couldn't get dressed... jose texted me to see how i was feeling, and i almost told him to come help me put my boxers on... yeah, that bad... fucken ay... so after i got dressed, i took another pain pill and nothing, the pain was still there... so then i asked a couple of people, and decided to go to the emergency room...

jose took me... we get there, and i'm like... you could jam if you want... but he stuck around for a while... i filled out some paper work, and asked me a ton of questions... took my stats and stuff... then i sat back down... i got called again to finish filling out the paper work since i'm not insured and crap... then i went back to the waiting room with jose and had lizard/reef chat for another long while... then i went to get an ultrasound on my balls and stuffs...

the guy was like... strip down, lay on the bed and cover yourself with this towel... i was like... okay... i didn't know he was on his way out, i just got naked all fast... LOL... so i got on the table and he handed me a towel... told me to grab my penis with the towel and hold it up towards my belly... he puts the cold jelly all over and begins... fuck... it kind of hurt... i was trying to talk to him, but he was trying to ignore me... I asked him how everything looked, but he said that he doesn’t read the pictures he just takes them… i even asked him if he could tell me the sex of the baby, and he didn't find it funny at all... jack ass...

so i suit up and head back out to the waiting room... i got there and looked for jose, but he had left... he called me because my phone didn't work once i went to through the waiting room doors... he told me he left because he doesn't have a window on the driver's side and doesn't trust the area... i said cool, and thanks for taking me... this guy is my best friend... i'm not gonna lie... i felt like crying when i told him thanks... my own sister didn't want to go with me or even take me...

he told me that they had called my name to go in to see the doctor... i go into the other room where all the nurses are... and i had a seat... while i was sitting there, they lost one young guy, and they brought in an old man that was all fucked up... man... i was there by myself, and there was so much pain and suffering around me... i got scared... i felt alone... i never felt like that before in my life... i broke down... all kinds of thoughts were going thru my head… man i felt like crying… then i went into the room, changed into one of those robe thingies, and sat in the room... the nurse came in and asked me more questions... left and said that the doctor would come in right away...

a little while later, the EMT dudes bring in this senior dude... i guess he was getting dialysis and tore out the IV on his arm and was bleeding like crazy... he kept saying that he couldn't see out of one eye... the nurse said that he had alzheimer's, some schizo, dementia, and just old... fuck.. i sat there and wondered if i was going to be the same when i get older... my dad has some schizo in him, and my memory already sucks... my diabetes is under control right now, but anything could happen... i was there with him by myself... that sucked... he was trying to cover himself with his jacket, so i gave him my blanket... i just sat there all cold and full of fear...

the doctor finally came in about 30 minutes after the nurse left... i told him everything, and he started to fondle me up... lol... i made a joke about it, and he blushed... i said that my boyfriend was going to get mad if he left some lipstick there... HAHAHA... so he poked my stomach and other parts, and i told him it freaken hurts... he asked me how i would rate my pain, and i told him 9.5... he was like... how can it be that bad and you have a smile... i was like... look at me... i have a huge tolerance for pain... i rather sit here and smile under the all the sweat than scream like a retard... LOL... he left and i was introduced to new nurse since they switched shifts... after she left, i was alone for another 20 minutes...

i layed back in the cold and tried to fall asleep... all i could think of was death... i can hear someone flatlining and them pounding them back to life... the springs in the mattress are loud... fuck... so much death and pain... it sucks... i felt alone again... then i heard a knock and i erika knocking on the window outside my room... she came to visit... she started making jokes and stuff, but i was just happy to see her... the doctor came back in and then told me that they found nothing wrong with the ultrasound or urine test... that maybe it's just a kidney stone moving along, or i pulled/strained a muscle somehow... WTF...?

he sent erika out, and i said... how could this be that... i fucken peed out sperm today... check me some more... so he gave me a different hernia test, and still said that he didn't feel it... so i made him feel what i feel, and i was like... don't you feel that...? then i realized i'm holding my robe up and telling this doctor to feel all kinds of places on my junk and i might look insane... but dude... it just didn't make sense... then he told me that when he was younger, he would get testicle pains just like mine... they never found out what it was, or why... but they just stopped after a couple of years... fuck... like if that was supposed to make me feel better...

he told me to get dressed and said he'll prescribe me some antibiotics and pain killers... just in case i get more pains or if it's an infection they haven't identified... what a waste of day... i got dressed and i turned my phone back on... i text all my friends that knew i was in emergency that i had testicular cancer and it traveled to my intestines, so the doctor gave me 6 months to live... lol... they knew i was fucking around... none of them believed me... hahaha... so my friend's sister took me home... fuck... what an experience...

on the ride home i was still in pain... i also felt cheated for some reason... i didn't get an answer... i never go to the doctors unless i can't stand the pain... and usually they tell me exactly what it is... but not this time... i guess i prepared myself for the worst... i had accepted the fact that i might have tumors or testicular cancer... i was like... if they cut one off, oh well... i'll live... or if i had a hernia, i would have to hire someone to do waterchanges on my reef tank for half a year... but now i'm just sitting here in pain with no clue what it is... i personally think the cause is some diet pills i've been taking... jose has been giving them to me... the first set of pills i remember pains every time i would ejaculate... a couple of times it came out all watery and it was the first nut... after i ran out of pills, i went back to normal... now that i'm almost done with a new bottle, it started up again... so i'm going to stop taking them ASAP!...

so now i'm here... i have been talking to a couple of my friends, and telling them everything... fuck... i freaken peed out sperm... that was the weirdest thing i have ever felt or been through... fuck... i'm tired... when i got home, i was kind of sad that my sister was just here watching the dodger game, while i was scared as fuck in an emergency room... jose and erika did more for me than my own family... fuck... i love my friends... they are my brother and sister… don't know what i'd do without them...

i got to go... if you read all that thanks for reading... i'm going to go feed my animals and probably try to sleep in my room... my life sucks so bad right now... all kinds of shit is just building up... i thought last year was going to be the worst and this one would be better but damn... i can't believe how fucked up my life gets sometimes... i feel like a failure...

the illusions of a class clown... deception of mine...

2010-08-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

“Blades of plastic strike the air… it lies to me with its illusion of a wondrous natural wind… it fills me with an un-seeable sensation… all a lie… a gorgeous façade of a place I’ve never been… a paradise… an island with an ocean breeze before casting out… or the top of a mountain basking in the summer winds before setting up camp… the bow of a ship fallowing a pod of dolphins wile whale watching… then I open my eyes… I see the poorly made oscillating fan covered in a thick greasy blanket of filth across the room… the faint but piercing stench of marijuana smoke creeps in through the window behind me… two flies landed on the week old chocolate bar resting on the couch next to me… i stagger to the kitchen with a stale unwrapped candy… the sound of the bar falling into the trash can disturbs the silence in my home… I look down at my shoes... covered in what seems to be blood and ashes I am reminded of the night before… the pain… the suffering… the fear… the sensation of evil… the un explainable events… now knowing my strength, my avarice, my ability… it’s all still sinking in… she could’ve still been here, listening to the silence with me… wondering about my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my happiness all behind her beautiful smiling face full of life… but that can never be… it’s far too late… I let her go… i gave her a choice, gave her freedom, gave her time away and gave her death… now slowly she will be forgotten in this world piece by piece wile I stay behind to suffer her loss… I will never see you again… I will never feel you again… I will never forget you…“

That is an excerpt of this book I am writing… well… have been writing… that’s probably not the best writing I have ever written… but that one paragraph took me two hours to write… wile I usually take an hour or so for an entire chapter… I don’t understand why it took me so long… and I remember it so well too… a fucken trip… for some reason, I had trouble describing how my character would react at the situation… hmm… for some reason I can describe any situation with minimal effort… but what made me react so strongly with that section of writing…? The entire scenario played out in my head in real time… maybe I had to live it a little to get it going… or maybe a part of me is sunken into that one complex scene of horror and pain…

It seems that I have fallen into another period of depression… I haven’t ridden my bike in almost two weeks… I haven’t been paying attention to any of my pets, or my family… I haven’t been taking much care of myself… I have been shutting people out… I don’t understand why… this weekend is going to be great… filled with friends, family and a pet expo… but it just doesn’t help out… it’s like, a birthday is coming up, but I know that I’m going to spend it alone with no one to congratulate me… I also realized that I am not trying to look for someone to be in a relationship like before… I just don’t make time for it anymore… now I know something is wrong…

Yesterday I was at mike’s house… he’s the only straight married man I ever fell in love with… we watched some show on MTV called “you think you know me”… it’s about a bunch of kids revealing to each other publicly their feelings and darkest secrets… I almost teared up when this gorgeous 18 year old kid named Logan spilled his guts to a group of kids he doesn’t even know… you see, he was the class clown supposedly… he had turret’s, and would make fun/talked shit of all the other kids in the school… he didn’t really break down in tears… but ended up promising the rest that he will stop and change… he even told his retarded stupid group of goobers he calls his friends that he was going to change…

I understand why he felt bad… why..? because I was that class clown… I was that shit talker in school… I was the one that had everyone laughing at anyone else’s misfortune… he said he felt bad when he went home… he had apathy for them… at the end of the day, it would eat him up inside… he felt alone and confused… he was a tortured soul… on the other hand, I don’t have apathy… I never felt bad at the end of the day… i never felt alone… nothing ate me up inside… I was just myself one hundred percent of the time… what does this make me…? Obviously, not a good kid like Logan there… it makes me a monster…. Something that I am ashamed of now… I’m a horrible person… mike said that I throw up a tough guy front… he doesn’t know me… I don’t think anyone does…

How do I have friends then..? Why do they stick around…? I always thought they kept me for their own personal entertainment… like I am some kind of exotic primate that takes people’s feelings and turns them into cheap laughs... even with tough skins, I can still breakthrough for the kill shot… no one is safe from me… I am not saying that I am funny… although, I do think I’m witty… especially online and on the forums… but in person, I can be a heartless fucker… how did I turn into this…? Was the series of events that happened in my life…? Maybe my dad was the same way when he was younger… if that is true, hopefully I will grow out of it… I’m getting tired of being known as a shit talker…

Hmm… now after writing all that up… I’m starting to realize why that paragraph up there from my book is important to me… or… what means for me… now… I doubt I knew the truth when I was writing it… for some reason, it was just hard to write… it took so much out of me… but the scene, the objects in the room… everything… it is me… It’s all me… I am the fan, sitting in the center of the room… covered in dirt, beating up the air and giving the character a false illusion to escape his worries… maybe I mask everyone’s real problems with jokes and laughs… maybe the people that keep me around do use me to make them forget the real world one laugh at a time… maybe I help them out that way…

I am the open candy bar… to me candy is now poison… it just sits on the couch next to him… that is what I have been doing now… just sitting on my couch all day and sit in front of the lap top… some days, I will sit here for hours straight, roaming forums or looking for people to talk shit too… just a big piece of poison on the couch… although a candy satisfies, it also causes harm… but I just sat there un eaten… maybe it has more meaning than that…? Hmm… I have to think about this a bit more later on…

The sound that reminds him of the realm around him… maybe that’s my cry for help… maybe, that is this blog… something loud enough to snap me out of an illusion… maybe there is hope for me… maybe the site of my mother’s eyes was that sound to slap the clown out of him…? Maybe it was my oldest sister to do it…? Maybe after I type this up I will change…? Although I have doubts that will ever happen… but the sound of the candy bar hitting the bottom of the trash can is the most important item in that paragraph… it was more important than the fan, the façade, the candy bar… but what did it start…? Fuck… it started his break down… the realization of the consequences for his actions and decisions…

What does that mean to me..? Am I finally getting eaten inside…? Is this how Logan felt every day when he got home from school…? Can I regret and have apathy to every single person that got their feelings hurt for a laugh…? Shit… I hope not… I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt… I don’t understand it… I doubt I ever will… I have never broken down… I have never shed a tear for something that I have done to someone else… I will never “feel” like I should… I will just keep on living… the monster inside of me is what i am… but what is the façade here…? What validates me as a human being then…? Maybe it’s just the fact that I am suffering now… a monster cannot enjoy life… I now look forward to an answer… a cure… a resolution… a hope for the better… I will change one day… I promise…

hate mail again... LOLLERBOATZ...

2010-07-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah yeah… I slowed down a bit… big whoop… I’ve just haven’t taken the time to sit here and write a decent blog since there’s so much shit going on in the forums… mostly bicycle forums… I’m getting a lot more serious with the road bike thing, and bicycle racing…

So anyways… lol… a little white ago I went to go pick up my fuji road bike from performance bikes… they are all the way in Torrance… fuck, there was epic traffic… I got my bike, got a new back light flasher… the old one was run over by some Asian lady over in asuza… never riding thru that stretch of street again… so whatever… I’m in my car watching out for the police and I get an email on my phone… I get to a red light and this is what it says…

Try not being a jack ass that works for some people. I've seen you on the forums and you're a douche. People don't want to hang out with douche bags. Like you said you're rough and coarse. I'm sure you'd have a easier time attracting bees with piss and vinegar then you would making new friends. Change your smart ass attitude that would be a step in the right direction

He’s referring to my last post… wait… let me read it again, I don’t remember it......... there I read it… oh fuck… Erika wants to go fishing right now… shit… should I take my laptop…?? I’ll look like a total lop if I do… HAHAHKDsfj;slajfdksl… oh wait… I just got a text… I think she wants to go tomorrow… anyways…

So this “randy” decides to give me his opinion… fuck it… he’s entitled to it… so I’m leaving it on… I’m going to save it with the file of hate mail I have been getting for a wile now… it seems that people on reef central don’t like me… especially those that don’t know me personally… it’s all cool… like he says… I am a rough and coarse… so what… but I think I’m just witty, clever, funny and smarter than half of those haters on that board… I believe it’s a fact… no one has ever come up to my face and told me in person what they think about me… why…? Because they are haters… and scared… I don’t know why they would be scared… in person, I don’t think I give off a dangerous persona or look threatening… they just don’t want to look like haters in public…

Now back to my blog post… yeah I was mad…I was venting… I was punked and treated like shit that day by “friends” so I was just having a hard time with that… fuck… when my friends need something, I’m the first one they call… why..? because I always come thru… when I need a favor, I have to struggle to find a ride, or don’t end up accomplishing what I want to do because of that… it sucks… it’s ridiculous, but I guess that’s life… I’m way too nice to my friends…

So back on the subject… randy… LOL… If he’s a local reefer, I will bump into him one day… I’ll find out who his is… I have his IP address, and can ask a mod at my local forums to give me his email… i’m not going to go out of my way to look for him… but I’m just making sure if his name is really randy or not… there’s no randy at SCRK… I just checked on the group email peter sends out… it has all of our names… I wouldn’t doubt if he is in SCRK… there are two people in the club right now that have it in for me… one is kim… he gave me red bugs and tried to do me dirty on a coral deal… he gave everyone in the club reef bugs, and didn’t have the decency to let anyone know he had it… so I told everyone and he got himself banned from two forums because of that… another is eric… I didn’t defend him when everyone was talking shit about him… LOL… shit… I don’t know him… fucker didn’t want to shake my hand at the meeting when I introduced myself…I was offended by that… that was rude and disrespectful… but that was it… if he has beef with me oh well… I take it all how it comes…

This is also one of the only times I’ve ever been called a douche… that’s tight… a first… i don’t think I’m a douche… I’m down to earth, and say it how it is… he’s also wrong about friends not wanting to kick it with me… i get invited EVERYWHERE!!!... cris called me up today and asked me if I wanted to go to a black crowes concert with him… this will be the 7th concert he treats me to, and the 15th I’ve been treated to so far… I don’t think anyone would want to take a douche to a concert with them… especially since the tickets are over 100 bucks face value… a huge “I’m not a douche” point is the reef keeping… I’ve been doing this for over three years now… when I do have something for sale online or somewhere, once the person Is at my pad, I usually end up giving them something for free, or just charging them half price… if they become my friend, in the future I will just give them stuff for free… fuck it… they’re my friends…

Okay… now I’m going to switch up the platica over here… I grow tired of this randy… plus, I wouldn’t want to dedicate an entire blog post to him… his little hate post isn’t going to disrupt me in one bit… my life will still go on… I’m still typing on my brand new high end laptop, next to all my LE corals in my reef tank with my feet on top of my full carbon fiber road bike… shit… I should probably take my feet off of it… I don’t want to chip it or crack the frame… well… they aren’t that sensitive, but it is just money I don’t want to spend… my bike looks awesome right now too… I got a new bad ass rear light blinker… it has a bright half watt LED… I should be like jose and point it up to blind riders behind me… jack ass… that shit stings… hahahha…

This Saturday we are planning a 35 mile loop to arcadia and back… well not we really… agui and jose did… they called it their own tour de sewer… hahaha… this is going to be the farthest agui has ever ridden with us… pretty cool… I don’t know if he will hang though… he hasn’t gone with us in weeks… we’ll see… I started shaving my head with a razor blade… it sucks, but I feel great… kind of hurts… I started getting razor bumps… I blamed the helmet and sweat… but mike and that drunken gangster dude said it’s because of the heat… I’m not used to it… I just hope I get used to it fast… I want to maintain this look… I think it fits me now… I’m working out a little more, getting my “man” face and have some gay beard growing that hides my double chin… LOL…
I love Microsoft word BTW… this just rocks… office 2010 is a huge leap over 2007 or whatever I had on my last laptop… fuck… I also love the snap feature from windows 7… I can browse the web and do this at once… woo hoo… live can’t get better than this… looks like we just planned a fishing trip tomorrow at 5am… sigh… I’m not a morning person at all… but fuck it… I think erika’s mom and dad are going to go… this should be epic fun… and I might take my laptop… well… if we don’t go to the rocks I will… pier fishing rocks… rock fishing is the fail sometimes… you lose your weights, get stuck on the bottom… jskldjfas;djsa… it just sucks…

I also want to talk about this kid that stays at pepper’s pad… he’s cool… I met him because he found out I do body piercings on the side… so I pierced his lip… so he’s been coming over… seems like his dad is with this chic I know as peewee… she’s one of those daughters of a drug dealer that had everything, and now she wants to flaunt what she doesn’t’ have… married this guy that has a teenage son… and now treats him like shit… fuck… it pisses me off… whenever they get into a fight they bring his name up in the fight… poor kid… I feel like he is a little slow… he’s in a punk band and is nervous to be around people… scared to say the wrong thing and everything… one time he came over looking for me, and told my sister nena what was going on… he started crying and telling her that his dad doesn’t defend him when she talks shit about him… fuck…

How horrible can one person be…? Honestly… he’s had a rough life… his mother died, he got kicked out of school, kicks it with the rough crowd, and has no guidance what so ever… I think his girlfriend is pregnant… she’s a beautiful young woman… I’ve seen her… and it’s a trip because he’s kind of ugly and well… doesn’t have a personality that I would think can get such a pretty girlfriend… well… sure showed me… anyways… he comes over and starts asking me about piercing his whole face up and tattoos… I had to talk him out of them… I know it’s money for me, but I don’t want him to ruin his opportunities so early in life… so I think I’m going to be taking him with me to different places that I go… maybe some of my wisdom or influence will rub off on him… I told him not to drink… he didn’t believe that I don’t drink or do any sort of drugs… shit… I know I look crazy, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid… hahaha…

Well… that’s it for now… I’ll write when I come back from walmart, but won’t post it up any time soon… I already know the next topic… anyways… lates… and subscribe… now that I have word, it’s going to be way easier for me to blog on the laptop or on the phone… WooT WooT!... btw... this is 1,784 words...

give up reef keeping, or give up friends... hmmmmm...

2010-05-26T04:32:00.000-07:00

haven't done this in a wile... i've been wanting too, but i just been putting it off... i've been having a lot of tough times and need to get some srs shit off my chest... i don't know if i want to make some stuff publik, but oh well... i'm gonna have to live with it... never stopped me before... lol... let's see if i get in trouble or lose a friend or two...

you wanna know what i did today...? i cleaned diego's half of the room and threw away some of his shit... fuck him... who the hell does he think he is..? i don't understand where the fuck this dude comes from... i gave him a place to stay, hardly ever paid rent, i defended him for an entire year, and when he left... he just left all of his JUNK over here... fuck... this shit is so fucked up... i have a bunch of his shit still there... i'm thinking about just selling whatever i can, and throwing away the rest... as a matter of fact, when i'm done with this i'm going to trash all of his clothes... true story... i'm that pissed off... i treat a lot of people with respect and friend them as much as i can... and only a couple of them throw some of that love back at me... or none at all... i'm not digging that shit... what trips me out is that i'm no the nicest person on the block... you know... i'm a very rough and course individual... but if you're my friend, i'm going to treat you like one...

right now i'm going to start rethinking my views and everything around me... especially who my real friends are... what sucks is that there's not a lot of them to speak of... sigh... but i couple of them need a reality check... or maybe some time away from them... but one thing is for certain... i need more friends... i'm used to having a ton of friends... always gone and going places... right now all of them are either doing their own shit, or acting like self centered jack asses... so i'm going to do something super drastic... i still don't know what that means... time out sounds good, but maybe cutting them loose would also work out for me... it wouldn't be the first time i do this... to me friends are expendable... especially if they're going to be using me and treating me like shit...

i really want to find a riding buddy... i'm getting tired of the "i don't feel like it" attitude and just staying home... fuck that... i paid serious cash for that bike and all the kit... i feel like a jack ass not using it... so either i'm going by myself, or i really need to find someone else to go with me... i might put an ad on craigslist... see what results i get... but i think it's going to take a wile to find someone... until then i'm just going by myself.... shit... i'm not scared... and i'm an all right rider now... not like before... i got it down kind of good... i just know it's an expensive hobby... i don't think i can afford what i want to do... but i'll see... just like everything else, i'll make it happen somehow...

another thing that's on my mind is i'm thinking about just getting rid of my reef tank... that's right... all of it... sounds nuts... but it might just happen... i don't know what it is... but i'm just not enjoying it like before... it's fucked up... but i think i'm starting to hate it... well i think that i just hate some of my tank right now... like my sand and rock work... i think by changing rock work and taking out all my sand it might make me happy for a wile... maybe only a wile... then after that what's gonna happen..? i dunno... i night just sell everything for a couple of bills or end up giving it away... who the fuck is gonna want to buy my wack ass setup...? fuck... i'm so bummed out right now... it's not that bad, it's just that there are some shits i have to rethink... like... do i really want to do the tank thing all my life..? i know that i'm going to be riding for a couple of years... i have plans for my bike and future bike... and future rides... maybe i might just switch primary hobbies... fuck...

you know what sucks and i just realized it right now...? is the fact that i don't have a friend i could tell my problems too, or even talk to about a bunch of shit that is fucking me up... like right now... there's not a person in the world i could call and just spill my guts too... fuck... why not..? it's not fair... and it's not cool... fuck... here i am ranting on a blog, pretending to watch pokemon on the tv, and sitting next to my reef tank... and i just realized that i don't have a real friend to help me out when i need it... fuck... now i feel more like shit... lol... man... what am i gonna do now..? is this just how it's going to be all my life...? that would really suck, but it might be true... this is probably why i write my books and blog my thoughts... oh, well... i guess i should sleep... i'm going to wake up earlier than i have been and gonna go for a solo ride to the bike shop, then to the trail to el monte... fuck everyone else...

well i'm outs... gonna try to blog more tomorrow... i have move, but i'm way too tired... good nite...

disclaimers, dad and the weather... let's discuss they...

2010-04-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

first off... some drama happened because of my last post on here... look... i really don't care if anybody got mad or anything... i know that this is public and anyone could see it... but that's why i hardly ever talk about my blog in the "real" world... everything that i post here is 100% the truth... it's how i think, feel, want, everything... i have absolute nothing to hide... i am a man but before that a human being... i need somewhere to vent and let the anguish out sometimes... since i'm single i blog it... if you read it and your name comes out I DON'T CARE!!!... srsly... if you confront me on this i will say it to your face... but since i don't condone drama, i keep it to myself or on here...

now the entire story i heard reeks of suspicious behavior... all kinds of possibilities came up wile on the phone with jose... maybe i shouldn't put them on here because i'm pretty sure they are going to be read... but like i said... i don't care... let me make the epic episode short... i wrote an insult, friend read it before, "somehow" friend showed it to person i insulted... okay... all kinds of things went off in my head... why would it come up after they knew i insulted them... sigh... you know what... i'll just sum it up really quick... i think this will result in more drama... i HATE drama... that's for women... srsly... me being a man hates drama... that's why i'm gay... women are 100% drama... even if they are cool and chill, i have no tolerance for drama... fuck... it's stupid and waste everyone's breath and time...

this past weekend my dad came to visit... until late last year i didn't speak to my dad for 5 years or more... it was 100% my choice, and i had good reasons for it... it also taught him a lesson... before i would tell him my status and he would always think i was lieing... never gave me the benefit of the doubt... the worst part is that he hates liars like me... so i figured that he somehow really believes that i am a liar and hates me too... so i just stood away from him... i didn't ask about him, never saw him nothing... just cut him out of my life... until he asked for me one day saying that he wanted to apologize... so whatever... now i've been seeing him and going places with him... but it's still like whatever...

this time he came over i actually got to look at him and have a real conversation... i learned that i am just like him... from the conspiracy theories, hatred towards liars, thieves and retards... and sicknesses... i also have diabetes like him... but he doesn't know... i don't want to tell him... but now i noticed that he really old... i'm really old... i can see the silence that used to be his personality and life... his charm and grace has dulled down... he is growing old and dieing slowly... i have come to notice that i don't have much time to spend with him now... and everytime he comes to visit it's a huge risk for him... he drives more than an hour from tijuana to LA once a month... at his age and status it is a huge risk factor...

after our conversation i gave him a hug and a kiss... he told me he loves me and now i know he means it... since i can remember, he used to buy my love... i would get mad, and he would go out and buy me a new game or toy... that's just how it always was... once i hit highschool and went on a spiritual/life voyage living on the streets i changed my way of thinking... i got mad at him for buying my affection with materialistic things... things that he could just go out and buy me to make me happy... i started to hate him... he didn't love me... there was no love there... when i picked up the guitar all he did was destroy my desire to play... he threw me out... once i did leave, he begged me to come back, but i thought... fuck... he threw me out... all of my assumptions should be fact... and i left...

i advocate not to buy children's love... after realizing the trick, that love grew into hate... it is false love... now that he hugged me back and told me he loves me, all of that hate was gone... i don't know where it is... gone... now when he comes i get sad... seeing him old and brittle depresses me... was i wrong to not seeing him for all this time...? when he would come to visit and leave, would he get sad for not seeing me...? all this time did he hurt because i wasn't there to give him a hug and a kiss...? fuck... i am a terrible person for that... worst thing anyone could do... but i didn't know right...? sigh... i hope i didn't...

i have to get my passport and driver's license soon... he wants me to go drive and pick him up for his appointments... i have to do it... even though i have no drive or ambition for any of that... it has to be done... i owe him big time... but i still wish he could've been more involved in my life... but now as i'm getting older, i see why he couldn't... he was 43 when i was born... he couldn't take me to the park and play football like gabriel's dad... or teach me how to ride a bike... or drive across the county so i could play a hockey game... he was either too tired or at work... fuck... he just couldn't do any of that stuff... so he did the only thing he possibly could to make me smile...

fuck... today is a horrible day to write this post... the weather is all fucked up, and it's bumming me out... for some reason i'm very depressed... i have been for a wile now... maybe since i saw my dad... this weekend i scored a rare coral that i have never seen before... and i'm not as happy as when i got my bubblegum monster chalice or red planet acro... i should be but i'm not... my sister coyo is right here next to me watching tv with the kids... i should be enjoying these moments... but i'm not... jose wanted me to go check out some fish at a homies house and i didn't feel like it... bruce invited me to go have dinner with him and googles... yet here i am typing this shit up... i would've gone in a heart beat... googles is super cute and will be my man one day... hahaha...

the laughter is abbreviated to an unused acronym... lost in the clouds and pushed away by the 15mph winds outside... well i'm done... i'll make another one tomorrow or so... lates...

epic reef forum drama...

2010-04-04T02:10:00.000-07:00

so yeah... like always... i was involved in some awesome drama on this forum called socalireefs... it's a pretty cool reef forums with nothing but locals... great shit... srsly... the sucky part is that jose got banned... well for being an idiot... but still... everyone else else got a warning but him... that's not fair... kim got 4 fucken warnings for the same shit... and he still hasn't gotten banned... fuck... that's an insult... just because kim has more post, or more people know him... but fuck... jose is a dedicated reefer... he has now passed me on reef keeping and his tank... he has way better equipment and corals... and that's great... i have even thought about giving up the hobby a couple of times... but now that he's that far in there's no looking back... even after his 180 exploded... hahahah...

anyways... i think javier, nick and casas talked it over on the moderator chatroom and i don't know what they're going to do, but i think they are going to lift the ban from jose... should be cool... jose put up a front, but i know he got bummed out... he wanted me to PM them and ask then why he got banned with no warning, but when i said no, he got all feelings... LOLOLOL... fag... but he's been going thru some shit i guess.. well we all have... it's been a depressing new year so far... even though i have been blessed with new toys and friends... sometimes i still feel depressed and blue...

bah... enough about that sappy bitch bullshit... today was tight... we made cesar go buy a road bike... LOL... fuck... yesterday he came over, i showed him my scraped knee and my bike then today came over to pick us up so he can go buy a road bike too... hahahha... so awesome... there goes my god complex again... somehow i make people buy shit when they don't want to or need to... fuck... i'm a fucken mental virus...

so we head out to performance bicycles in glendale... where jose and i got our bikes... and everyone knows us already... the girl that helped us is named samantha... she didn't help me with my bike... but she helped with jose's... we knicknamed her samantha swallows... lol... she's super short and white... not my type... but you know... tee hee... anyways... cesar ended up buying a fuji like mine... it's exactly like mine sans the carbon fiber frame... and he has a kick ass hallow core crank... fuck... i want that... lol... shave half a pound with that bad boy... hahahaha...

his bike came out to be... um... 650 or something... plus 10% off and yadda yadda yadda... after taxes, bike rack, bottle cages, bottles, club membership, service plan he ended up dumping a grand that minute... HAHAHHAHAHAHA... fuck... i know the feeling... i went in to buy a bike and a light and walked out of that shop with a light in hand, receipt and 1,500 dollars poorer... fuck... that shit hurt... well... let me see my receipt... i think i'm lieing... yep... fiften hundred... fuck... that's serious cash... especially for someone that isn't working at all... shit...

as i was looking for the receipt i was reminded that i can't find my refractometer... shit... i think someone stole it... fuck... when i find out who it was i'm going to fuck them up... that's not cool... how dare someone come into my house and steal from me... who the fuck does that... that shit wasn't cheap... now it's going to be a wile until i get another one... since i'm so poor right now... i think i know who it was... i must investigate further... but i recently friended this one guy that sells fish from his house... he's some mexican chap that only speaks spanish... lol... he's cool... but i just found out he's a hardcore thief... fuck... now i don't trust him...

why don't i trust him...?? lol... i hate thieves... my shit always gets stolen... fuck... always... i have to lock up my shit because our house always has company over... always... and the people that come here aren't your friendly people... especially with this retard roger living here... all of his friends are either pot heads or tweekers... he's a hardcore alcoholic himself... i fucken hate him... right now he's the only person that i truely wish he would die... fuck... life would be alot better without him... everyone's life... even his parents... hahahaha... it's true... he's just a huge waste of time, space, energy and food... one of these days i'm going to break his face in... he gets all drunk and brave... i just don't want to kick his ass wile he's drunk... i want to get him slipping when he's sober... but my patience is running thin...

fuck... i don't want to stop typing... i'm so bored... sigh... but i also got bored of blogging... i don't want to keep typing because i might get all emo and start typing about my feelings... boo hoo... maybe tomorrow... yeah... mañana for sure...

lates...

SCRK meeting... WIN... or TEH FAIL!...

2010-03-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

today should be pretty win i hope... i'm trading some polyps for some all right corals... i think i'm pulling a fast one on her though... but i'm giving up two premium polyps for a two head of hammer, and a ugly ass chalice that i'm probably the only one that likes it... i don't know why i like it... eveyone else hates it... it's going to be the second type of robokaki chalice in my collection... that's tight... then later on i might buy a GIGANTIC colony at tom's... i'm talking about some gigantic show quality colony of an ugly ass chalice... hahahsldkjfasdl;fjasdf...

anyways... i'm bored... fuck... i'm waiting 'til it's almost time so i can shower and paint my nails... i also have to try to put on another earing... one that matches... lol... my ear is all fucked up... i stretched too fast too much, and it got all beat up, raw and a little infected... fuck... it hurts like a mother fucker, but it's way better now than how it was last week... it was pounding... but i think i'm going to fuck it up again right now when i put on that wooden earing...

why do i do it... because i got it like that... and like what i said in the last paragraph... i'm fucken bored... shit... why else does anyone else do anything now in days... like a rich white guy jumping out of a fucken airplane... why does he do it..??? because he's fucken nuts!!!...

lol...

look at what's back... or... i have too much time on my hands...

2010-03-27T01:40:00.000-07:00

maybe some of both... i dunno... i'm probably tired of writing in my book with a fucken pen and shit... the book is getting super heavy, and i don't like people watching me write... feel like a fucken cave man... lately i've been going on my bike by myself and riding to the park to write... pathetic... i know... lol...

right now is like the perfect time to blog too... i'm on my little couch next to my tank... i'm watching american dad with my nephew noño... i'm making some trades for the next SCRK meeting... someone wants to trade me some corals and junk... that's tight... whateve'skees... see what i get... that also reminds me that i have to make money for this weekend... i have to pay for my membership, and to participate in the raffle... fuck... they're raffling off some bomb ass shit... well except for the fish... i'm not into that kind of deal... that, and alot of my fishes have been dieing...

on a darker note... lol... i just looked at the pictures of the dog with the puppies... that's bubbles... she died two years ago... after she had a litter of puppies after that litter... she got really sick, and i couldn't do much about it... so yeah... she's dead... oh... and butter's also dead... fuck... that one i had to put to sleep... it was kind of sad, but oh well... it happens... to alot of us... well to me... and my friends... and they always tell me to take their dogs to the pound because they're such faggot ass pansies... lol... and they talk shit to me for kissing guys... hahahasl;dkfajs;dlfja... yeah i know...

anyways... that's enough for right now... i think i'm going to start fragging shit from my tank... i don't want the frags to be all fail/aids when i take them to the swap... lates...

Photobucket

2005-07-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

2005-07-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

this is the dad... buddha... he is teh pimpest...

2005-07-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

only 5... this is when i found her... she wanted to attack me... but she didn't... so in the end result she had 11 but one died... oh well...

2005-07-09T10:41:00.002-07:00

she was going to bite me...

2005-07-09T10:41:00.001-07:00

blah...

2005-07-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

purdy...

2005-07-09T10:40:00.002-07:00

in the box...

2005-07-09T10:40:00.001-07:00

white...

2005-07-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

so yeah... my bubbles had her puppies... here are some pictures... so here they are...

i want a frog... damnit... it's green...!!!

2005-06-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

yes... so today i went to this swapmeet in chino... yes... an hour away... but we went on a mission... jose's aunt wants to buy a pit bull, or a rottweiler... so there we went... a whole lot of us... i haven't been to that swapmeet since i was about eight or nine years old... yes... along time ago... so anyways... we went to this place in chino, and what i notice is that there is now an actuall swapmeet... that's pretty gay... before they would just sell animals, and livestock... they still do, but not as much as before...

god damnit, i fell in love with so many fucken animals... there were all kinds of birds, chickens, ducks, lizards, frogs, fishes... god damnit i wish i was rich... i almost got a pair of ranchu goldfish... but then i remembered that we were an hour away... so i didn't want to buy it, and have it die on the road, or be all retarded by the time i get it into the pond... but other than that, the swapmeet, and the walk around the park where they sell dogs illegally was really fun and exsiting... also something refreshing and different than a normal, traditional sunday at the swapmeet...

then when we came back, we kicked it for a wile... then thier cousin ivan came over, and we ate pizza and carne asada... lol... best combination on the planet... yeah fucken right... i can't breathe... i ate too much... then after that we went to carla's sister's house... they have the pimpest home entertainment system on the planet... fucken awesome... a mitsubishi hi def set, and all nile sound system... 6.1 surround, and half of the speakers were in the wall... fucken great...

well... that's all for tonight... i'm bored, and tired... time to check out ebay, or soemthing...

gumbii...

freakity freak freak... i really want to curse...

2005-06-26T02:49:00.000-07:00

yeah... well... i know i haven't been here in a long time... i kind of forgot about it... what a dilph... then i started fucking around with the website that will tie all of this crap together... this site, myspace, and other shit... i'm thinking about making profiles for everyone i know... but i don't know if they will talk shit, or not... well... oh fucking well... i'm also going to make a small little section of people i hate... or want to die... damn... that's going to take me forever to make... HAHAHAHA... i hate alot of people... i'm such a jerk...

well... i'm pretty pissed off today becouse i found my Hifin shark belly up in my pond... that shit really pissed me off... why the fuck are fishes so damn sensitive, and you can't tell WTF killed your fish... there's no other pet that will do that to you... you know when other animals are going to die... except for fishes... those shits just wake up dead... lol... man i'm pissed... stupid Hifin... so i'm trying to decide wether or not i buy a new one, or build an indoor fish tank for my room... i know... i always say that fishes should stay outdoors... but oh well... i want some gold fish... like shinkuguru, comet, lionheads, orandas, ranchu, and ryukin... maybe one of each... and i still want them to have room to swim around, and still be hand fed...

so i'm thinking about making it at least 16 gallons, and fit right on top of the cage of the bearded dragon... i think it's an awesome size... and it will be more flat than an normal fish tank... right now i'm looking at filters and airators for it... i really want some ryukin... or some ranchu calico's... those would look sweet... then i will get some custom L.E.D. lights or neons... that would be so freaken pimp... but bah... only time will tell what the fuck i decide to do, or how it turns out...

i'll keep your assholes posted... and i got to start typing more interesting shit in here... lol...

i'm outs...

the conversation on hondavision... evil shit...

2005-06-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

yeah well... let me set this up... i started talking about me tripping and i see shit sometimes, so i got some responses, and i responded... as i was responding, i discovered some stuff... check it out...

this was the original post on the thread that i made on hondavision...
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i don't know what this is... but i'm at my desk, and i feel like someone is staring at me, so as i'm turning i see like an wicked face or a bulto standing there... it scares me really fast, but then i realize that nothing is there... and if i feel it, and don't turn it gives me this horrible chill on the side that i feel it... say that i feel like something is stareing at me at my left side, and i don't turn, i will get the chills on my left arm... it's fucken nasty...

so anyways... i had a talk with my psychology (sp?) teacher and he explained to me that i have something wrong with me... he didn't tell me what... but he said that i probably see scary visions on stupid things... and it's true... he pulled out some ink blots, and they were all like wicked pics... like devil clowns, demons, and all kinds of shit... so he said that i have something that is genetic and i probably got it from my dad... and i believe him... my dad was diagnosed with a mild schitzophrenia (sp?)... i don't know why he didn't want to tell me what it's called... i see no harm in me knowing... but he said it's for my own safety... maybe i'm really really fucked up in the head, or waiting to explode or something... i'm probably a suicidal time bomb...

i don't know what this thread is for... it's probably a vent or something... maybe becouse i can't blog at my blog anymore... i need a new blogging site...however... i always thought it was normal for me to see demons on the patterns of my bathroom floor... since i could remember i would see crazy shit...

i want to ask my sister if she's seen this before, but since she lost her baby to the system i haven't seen her in months... and since she's all drugged up i don't trust her judgement...

but do any of you peeps see crazy shit like that...?? maybe when you are tired or something..???

now i'm depressed... ... and kind of scared... but i don't know... i guess i'm freaked out...
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many of the members responded with witty, or supportive coments... but one guy took the cake... check this out...

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Actually, the house I first grew up in was haunted thanks to something my father did.He buried crucifixes upside down in the yard to get the house to sell faster and while it worked, very bad things soon followed.
It all happened to my mother and myself, I was only about 4 but my mother was real religous at the time so it targeted her.One night while my mother and I were home alone, a rocking chair started rocking violently causing my mom to scream so she grabbed me and we ran out of the room.
The phone would ring and when she would pick up it would pause and hang up slowly.
One night while my mom was at work my dad sent me up to bed, while in bed i saw a very strange shadow come up the stairs and pause at the door of the bedroom. I thought it was my dad and called out to him but it never moved, it just stared at me. it almost looked human but it was black. I was so petrified I couldnt even speak once i realized it was not my dad so I just rolled over and didnt move until my mother came home.
Later that week, I saw a demons face in my carpet and it had red eyes. I know I saw this shit and I can still remember what it looked like. I ran from the room like a raped ape.
*worst part*
My mother told me one night she woke up and there was a black shadow at the foot of the bed looming over her, she thought it was a person but then realized that it was too wide and as tall as the ceiling, and it was blacker then black even in the pitch black of the bedroom. She tried to start to pray but a cold pressure formed around her neck and she couldnt talk. She kept thinking of her prayer and eventually she fell asleep. My father was asleep through the whole thing.

I believe there are demons, and I dont think people are crazy all the time. I know if I continued to see what was going on in that house I would be considered crazy myself.
Imagine being so tormented that you are reduced to a drooling mess of a human being.
It can happen, and whatever you are into might be causing this to transpire. Stay away from things that can open you up to see this side of life, because they do exist, and they enjoy tormenting.
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hahaha... this kid... so i had to tell them a couple of my stories... LOL...

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i believe my house is also haunted...

we always see shadows passing thru the kitchen window, at least every two days...

i don't blame anything, but we did find a headstone burried in the back yard when i made the big pond... that was really fucken creepy...

and along time ago my stupid sister would play with a ouija board, and ask it to come and visit her... and it did a couple of times...

my mom many years ago said that there was a shadow standing on the front door on the back house (that is where i sleep!) and all of the dogs were barking and howling... we tried to get rid of the board, but then a year later I found it on my roof...

anyways... all kinds of other freaky shit happen around here... but i don't blame all the wierd shit i see on evil crap... i know there is nothing there... but my mind makes me see it...

yesterday i was in my room, and i heard like a book fall as soon as i turned off the lights... i turned them back on, and the only thing that was there where the noise came from was my wooden goat... that creeped me out... but i didn't pay much attention to it...
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this one is a bit trippy, but it really happened to me... not that long ago too...

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another thing that scared the shit out of my was my own tattoo...

you know when your body falls asleep before your mind...??? well that happens to me alot... then i start hearing or seeing shit, but i kind of like it... it's a semicontrollable trip...

but one time i had one of those, and i couldn't do anything about it... and my tattoo started talking to me in tongue, and i understood everything that he said...

he told me some fucked up twisted shit that was going to happen... when i was small i would always dream of satan talking to me in some kind of language that i could understand, but it wasn't anything i knew how to speak...

but i would be so scared of him that i would close my eye's but still hear me... he was walking around my living room throwing away all of our saints, and bibles...

intense fear...
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yeah... that really happened... i don't pay much attention to it... but this is what he responded to my stories...

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I'd say based on what you have said that your house is haunted, and your family has definatly opened yourselves up to this. My advice whether you believe it or not is to get the house exorcised, because even moving might not help you at this point. I guess its all about how much you can take as it gets worse and worse. I thought about getting myself exorcised some times just because of the stuff i would dream about, but I think dreams are where you sometimes get attacked so to speak. Freaky stuff man, you should keep a log of the shit that goes down in that place, but seriously, look into changing your ways and getting a priest or something into that house asap.
I dont know who else lives there, but you need to talk with all of them, as it could be them thats causing this to happen. Good luck.We need to start a supernatural forum or something.
Its interesting to hear stories others have gone through in this matter.
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i don't know if he's mexican, but he sounds the part... this is what one guy responded to both of us... LOL...

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This is definately a classic case... yup you/re mexican. I heard a comic say every mexican has ahaunted room or some shitj.

Honestly, if you elive there is a satan and demons and whatnot, why the fuck would you wanna worship them? Knowing that knowledge, I'd stay the fuck away from that shit mang.
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hahaha... and it's so true... my grandmother's city is all haunted, and there are nothing but mexican's there... lol...

and then they started asking me questions about my faith... so i answered...

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anyways... our paren'ts didn't raise us to be scared of demons, and evil...
that's probably why we all came out this way...
we're all fucked up somehow...

we were supposed to be catholics, but my parent's never took any of us to church, or did anything to us... they were more focused on our well being and health... they both worked, and i'm very thankfull on such a good job they did with us... they tried thier hardest without the help of a bible...

the way my dad, and me see it, if you go to church you need it... something is wrong with you... it maybe something big, or something small, but there's something that is there...

so you could say that i was athiest all of my life, untill i had my spirtual journey, around the age of 13... i visited, and read up on many religions, and accepted none... they were all filled with hypocracy, and stuff that contradicted science...

then a couple of years ago, i transended into satanism... satanism to me was the church i went to when i needed help... so i became a satanist for a wile... i did not worship satan, i did not pray to demons and crap... but yet i still studied all of this santeria/black magic stuff...

i don't believe in it... but i figured it helped people that i know by telling them to get them to put some white quartz in thier house for good luck, and they believed...

i've always loved symbols, and pictures of evil... so i got these tattoo's... it's not becouse i worship satan, or believe that i belong to baphomet drorsiente... it's just a tattoo that i chose to get... i still don't know what it really means to me, but i got it becouse i wanted it... i think it's art...
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then i posted a picture of my tattoo on my chest... and they haven't responded yet... probably tomarrow, but i don't feel like being on this subject much... i still don't know all of it to say what everything means to me... i know that didn't make sense but it's 2am, and i'm really fucken tired... i must sleep...

well till next time...

gumbii......

how to create your star wars name...

2005-05-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

pretty lame, but something to do... i'm fucken bored...

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How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom's maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
1: Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them
2: Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car
3: Insert the word "of"
4: Tack on the name of the last medication you took.
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this is realy hard... hmm....

first name... josga...
last name... rulos...
and um... airhon of motrin?...

josga rulos, airhon of motrin... that's really really lame... i guess it's the motrin thing... oh well... i wish i would of taken some other medication that would of made it sound pimper...

pic of me...

2005-05-30T02:31:00.000-07:00

there's me on the hookah baby...