give up reef keeping, or give up friends... hmmmmm...

haven't done this in a wile... i've been wanting too, but i just been putting it off... i've been having a lot of tough times and need to get some srs shit off my chest... i don't know if i want to make some stuff publik, but oh well... i'm gonna have to live with it... never stopped me before... lol... let's see if i get in trouble or lose a friend or two...

you wanna know what i did today...? i cleaned diego's half of the room and threw away some of his shit... fuck him... who the hell does he think he is..? i don't understand where the fuck this dude comes from... i gave him a place to stay, hardly ever paid rent, i defended him for an entire year, and when he left... he just left all of his JUNK over here... fuck... this shit is so fucked up... i have a bunch of his shit still there... i'm thinking about just selling whatever i can, and throwing away the rest... as a matter of fact, when i'm done with this i'm going to trash all of his clothes... true story... i'm that pissed off... i treat a lot of people with respect and friend them as much as i can... and only a couple of them throw some of that love back at me... or none at all... i'm not digging that shit... what trips me out is that i'm no the nicest person on the block... you know... i'm a very rough and course individual... but if you're my friend, i'm going to treat you like one...

right now i'm going to start rethinking my views and everything around me... especially who my real friends are... what sucks is that there's not a lot of them to speak of... sigh... but i couple of them need a reality check... or maybe some time away from them... but one thing is for certain... i need more friends... i'm used to having a ton of friends... always gone and going places... right now all of them are either doing their own shit, or acting like self centered jack asses... so i'm going to do something super drastic... i still don't know what that means... time out sounds good, but maybe cutting them loose would also work out for me... it wouldn't be the first time i do this... to me friends are expendable... especially if they're going to be using me and treating me like shit...

i really want to find a riding buddy... i'm getting tired of the "i don't feel like it" attitude and just staying home... fuck that... i paid serious cash for that bike and all the kit... i feel like a jack ass not using it... so either i'm going by myself, or i really need to find someone else to go with me... i might put an ad on craigslist... see what results i get... but i think it's going to take a wile to find someone... until then i'm just going by myself.... shit... i'm not scared... and i'm an all right rider now... not like before... i got it down kind of good... i just know it's an expensive hobby... i don't think i can afford what i want to do... but i'll see... just like everything else, i'll make it happen somehow...

another thing that's on my mind is i'm thinking about just getting rid of my reef tank... that's right... all of it... sounds nuts... but it might just happen... i don't know what it is... but i'm just not enjoying it like before... it's fucked up... but i think i'm starting to hate it... well i think that i just hate some of my tank right now... like my sand and rock work... i think by changing rock work and taking out all my sand it might make me happy for a wile... maybe only a wile... then after that what's gonna happen..? i dunno... i night just sell everything for a couple of bills or end up giving it away... who the fuck is gonna want to buy my wack ass setup...? fuck... i'm so bummed out right now... it's not that bad, it's just that there are some shits i have to rethink... like... do i really want to do the tank thing all my life..? i know that i'm going to be riding for a couple of years... i have plans for my bike and future bike... and future rides... maybe i might just switch primary hobbies... fuck...

you know what sucks and i just realized it right now...? is the fact that i don't have a friend i could tell my problems too, or even talk to about a bunch of shit that is fucking me up... like right now... there's not a person in the world i could call and just spill my guts too... fuck... why not..? it's not fair... and it's not cool... fuck... here i am ranting on a blog, pretending to watch pokemon on the tv, and sitting next to my reef tank... and i just realized that i don't have a real friend to help me out when i need it... fuck... now i feel more like shit... lol... man... what am i gonna do now..? is this just how it's going to be all my life...? that would really suck, but it might be true... this is probably why i write my books and blog my thoughts... oh, well... i guess i should sleep... i'm going to wake up earlier than i have been and gonna go for a solo ride to the bike shop, then to the trail to el monte... fuck everyone else...

well i'm outs... gonna try to blog more tomorrow... i have move, but i'm way too tired... good nite...