stupid black chick and the department of children's services...

So… here’s an update from yesterday… yeah, I won my case at the court house… so I went to pick up my kid… I kinda want to talk about it… so bare with me… I dunno how this is going to go, since I haven’t thought about it yet… usually I go through the entire blog in my head before typing it out… crazy right… that’s just something I learned at school… anyways…

The day before, I got a call from my social worker… he needed to make an report for court… that’s usually his job… I say usually because that guy doesn’t always do his job… I also think he got fired… good… he was a stupid and horrible social worker… such an idiot… so I’m on the phone with him… I explain to him all kinds of stuff… I tell him that I took the kids to the doctors, I fixed their insurance, and did all kind of good stuff with them… he told me that the report will say that the kids are good here at my house and that DCFS should return andre back home with me… so, that put a kind of positive hope in my head… so okay… I talked to my attorney, she’s like, yeah we’re gonna try to get your son back to you, the children’s attorney and I have a plan, it will be a great and easy day for you… ok cool… I believed her…

So we walk into the court house… what usually goes on is the judge will ask for everyone’s name and business… from right to left, the DCFS rep sits on the far side, then it’s the kids attorney, me, and then my attorney… so the DCFS rep gets to talk first… usually, it’s an old white man doing this, but I guess it was a sub… it was some black chick with corn rolls… that made it a lot worse for me… like a dumb chick is going to know anything about this case… .she starts reading the so called report that my social worker wrote… OMFG, it was all wrong… said that I refused to take my kids to their appointments, that I haven’t taken them to any doctors since January, that I haven’t fixed their insurance, and that I haven’t been cooperating with DCFS… OH MY FUCKEN GOD!!!... once she shut the fuck up, I spoke up… out of turn, but man… I wasn’t going to take this quiet… I stood up and pulled out the kids insurance cards, all of the info from their last 4 doctor visits, their vaccination cards, and a print out that had every single phone call, visit, and person I have talked to so far since January that has anything to do with the kids… that shut the stupid black lady up…

Fuck… why is our state this way…? I told him the day before how everything was… why would it still say all kinds of dumb shit…? Did my social worker really write that shit…?  Man… now he’s not my social worker anymore, I can’t confront him or anything… shut an asshole… I can’t believe anyone would lie and put all of that crap on a report that was going to be used in court… isn’t that amazing…? Stupid ass state we live in… so, then it’s the kid’s attorney’s turn… he was like… gumbii has been doing everything we asked him to do… the kids are fine, healthy and have had no further problems or issues regarding their health or wellbeing… I believe that andre should be returned with his family to help the entire grieving process speed up… this is the perfect time he should return home, and stay home… I was like… wuuut…? So fucken awesome… I never thought anyone would ever say what he said in any of my hearings… for an entire year, I just heard negative bullshit lies about me being told to a judge…

My attorney agreed and then the judge looked at me and then fallowed to agree… man… I finally won… I looked over to my left at my attorney and smiled… then saw the seat next to her… that’s where my sister nena would’ve been sitting if she was still alive… so then I couldn’t help it… I teared up… I couldn’t  hear anything anymore… my mind just went a blank… I’m not sure what was going on in my head… just a bunch of mixed emotions were fighting it out… I didn’t know what to do… I just stared at the teddy bear on the judge’s bench… all of our suffering and fighting finally finished… what me and nena fought for months… we finally won… everything that the state made us go through… all of the tears they made nena cry… all for nothing… a huge victory for my family… I wish my nena was alive to see this… what she’s been wanting all this time…

So I walk out of there… my attorney tells me what’s going to happen and our next court date… I get on the phone with my social worker, and he tells me that he’s not my social worker anymore… I figured he got fired… good… he’s an idiot… so I had to call his supervisor… I call up that flaming faggot, and he starts talking all kinds of shit to me over the phone… WTF… I haven’t talked to this guy in over 10 months… so I let him have it… I told him all kinds of shit… that I’m tired of running around like an idiot doing what they tell me to do… I’m doing shit my way… I’m taking them to the doctors I want to take them… I’m making sure that they are taken care of my way… all they did was retard my case… make me look like the worst parent on the planet, and cause nothing but tragedy in my family… and I hung up… when I get home, I get another phone call from him.. this time, he had a different attitude… I guess he saw and read the court report… he probably felt like a jack ass… he told me that the foster mother will call me…

So my son is home… I’m all happy over it… the kids are happy… now I got to focus on his doctor appointments and getting the van problem situated… I have a plan though… I just hope it works… wish me luck…

recent update, and some gay rantings...

so I’m sitting on the third floor in children’s court… again… probably the twelfth time within twelve months… this has become the story of my life… I don’t say our life anymore since I have been coming by myself already four court dates… nena was either too tired, or in the hospital, and now… just not with us… so this battle is really all mine… I’m fine with that… I’m the one that has always battled it out… although, I haven’t really been fighting since nena passed and my life is slowly crumbling down over my head…  sound dramatic, but that’s exactly what’s been going on… I kinda don’t want to get into details… I actually wanted to talk about a conversation I had with this cute guy I went out with yesterday… but I guess you guys deserve a quick detailed update on my life and situations…

okay… so my sister nena passed away… um… my dad’s new wife is suffering and slowly dying of some sort of cancerous ulcer… that really sucks since my mother died slowly and painfully from cancer as well… so, I know he’s going thru some nasty shit… I feel bad for the old man… um… my quadriplegic sister got the boot from the house she was living at… that pissed me off more than bummed me out… drove me totally nuts… how the fuck can some super Christian ass bitch do that to a person that can’t move a single limb on her body… that’s so typical of them… stupid hypocrites… I hate them so much with a passion… I hope god does exist… just so those types of people get punished for their travesties… oh… I put my 11 year old pit bull Buddha to sleep… it wasn’t as hard as it sounds… to me, he was just a dog… my dog… a piece of property… I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it… that, and I got two new dogs, pietro and bucky… then recently, the finance company found out that nena passed away… so they are repossessing my van… I only owe six grand on that sucker… I offered to pay it off cash, but they just don’t want to give me that option… they just want to keep all of the money I gave them, and resell the van for 23k again… fuck that… I’m giving it back to them totaled… take that assholes… and that’s about it… I’m at court… tada… LOL..

anyways… I went out with this guy last yesterday… I didn’t know if it was a date, but we went to dinner… was very stupid on my part, since I took him to frank and sons first… hahasldkfjalkdfja;lksdfjaskld;fj… so he saw me totally geek out over marvel vs Capcom 3 and saw me drop 50 bucks on comic books… I know it’s sounds bad, but I didn’t get my comic books last week… so it was two weeks of comics that I had to pick up… the failure… I’m not going to do that again… 50 bucks hurt me… 25 doesn’t… anyways… this guy’s super cool… I dunno if he’s down to boyfriend me… I think I’m way too masculine for him… that, and he says that he’s terrified of my chest tattoo… he’s one of those… but I’m cool with it… he’ll make a cool gay friend… hey, I don’t have any gay friends, so WTF’s up with that face…? Anywho… after I was dropping him off, I was saying how it sucks being gay… okay, I know, I know… there’s a lot of sucking for the gays… but srsly… it’s not easy being gay… especially since I was “straight” for so many years…it’s like… I’m the only gay that feels this way… it’s a trip… and let me explain it to you…

all through high school I had different girlfriends… I had to… I already stood out… so, I had to learn how to pick up on girls… I was good at it… not because I was so good looking… because I’m so damn ugly…but it was I wasn’t scared of rejection, and I knew what to say… I guess I had game… but I had to learn all that shit… I had to go through a ton of rejection… every time I went up to a girl it was hard, but I still did it… I even had to do it for my friends… all of my friends were fags when it came to picking up on girls… like, if it was the worst and hardest thing to do for them… so stupid… doesn’t make any sense to me… how the hell do you think you’re going to find someone walking around with your tail between your legs…? And girls can see that… everyone can see that… freaken idiots… anyways… it was an art I had to master, or else I would be exiled by my friends… it wasn’t that bad… although, high school girls are stupid… I had to put up with those dumb annoying bitches…

so now… say I’m at the home depot… I see some super sexy guy, and I really like him, and he’s all alone with no wedding ring on his hand… all I can do is just look at him, bite my tongue and walk away in disappointment… why you ask…? Well, I can’t just ask some random guy out… he’ll kick my ass… there’s a huge possibility that he is not gay… so, I’m pretty much assed out… all of those years learning how to introduce myself, learning how to read people’s body language and courage I had to earn to walk up to a random stranger for nothing… that shit sucks… I hate it… being gay sucks… the only way I can find someone is either online or at some kind of gay function like a bar, parade, party, or event… that totally fucks my odds up… I don’t go to any gay functions… I have no gay friends… and I don’t drink/party at all… I’m over that shit… why the hell do I need to go where there are a bunch of drunken fags and queens to find me a real man..?

shit’s crazy… although I have had a couple of mans… I had a shit ton of girlfriends before them… that’s not cool… some jacked up odds… I’m a gay man… I should have more gay man partners than biatches… right…? Sigh… oh well… I’m totally screwed…  crazy right…? but I’m tired of that… I’m a bitter old man already… i should be with a bitter old man too… well… right now I’m in no place to date... I’m a single parent, with no car now… I got to get my life straight… I just wish I had someone there to talk to and yell at when I need too… man, I really need to yell and punch someone…

well… it’s 12 noon… the court completely closed down and went to lunch… FUCK!... I’m starving, but I don’t want to pay 10 bucks for food in the cafeteria… I am freaken starving… oh, and another update… I fixed my keyboard… I got a completely new one… now my laptop looks so pimp with its silver keyboard... this one feels better too… the black plastic one got all scratched up and dented from the constant beatings/stabbings from my sharp fingernails… I just figured out why my nails are always sharp and pointy… it’s the angle they hit my keyboard… crazy how shit works sometimes…I guess it’s time I publish this and start catching up on my comic books… I haven’t read any in a couple of weeks… whatever happens today, I’ll blog up a quick update… okay, I’m done for now… please comment and tell your friends about my blog… that’s if you actually read it… if you didn’t, fuck you… and if you don’t… fuck you too…

tired of hiding my disease...

I recently made a thread on socali reefs talking about my stressful situation… I hardly do, but I guess since this has been going on, I have been talking to more people about my disease… no one knows about it… I don’t make it public… but I guess, I’m getting tired of pretending everything is okay… well… I know I haven’t updated this blog… it’s just that I haven’t had the time… but I am on lock down, and got all the time in the world now… so tomorrow, I’ll update on my sister and kids situation… but right now, I just want to talk about my disease, and what god means to me…

So, most of guys on the forum gave me great advice…real friends right there… and a couple told me to jump on jesus’ nuts… I put on the forum, “no thx, I don’t need it…” LOL… anyways… this morning I got a PM from someone… this is what it says… hold on, I got to edit out his screen name and phone number…

“”Hey, it's ___. I've read lots of your comments on threads for the past 2 years. I have a good idea on your feelings for god. Problem I see is that god is with the small "g". I don't believe you've given God a chance. Ok... I'm not sure who has tried to thump you over the head with the Bible or "god"... but I will not do this to you. BUT...I just wanted you to know where I'm coming from and my background. I was blessed to be brought up by great parents. No perfect, but very loving and supportive parents. Yes, I was brought up in "the church". You know, we all have a choice to make, a path to follow and God gave us ALL free will. He doesn't want us to be robots. If I was God or you were God and created the earth and everything on it...we might have made everything worship "ME"! Well God's not that way Gumbi. I've heard every story and reason NOT to believe in Him. Trust me. My wife and I have been lat counselors in out church for many years. People are jacked up! So many hurt people out there. I've heard crazy stories..and it makes me fell like I'm the abnormal one. Seriously...it's unbelievable how many stories I've heard about broken families and bad examples parents have given to their kids. SO, I get it. God gets it. It's called SIN. Dude, you say you "don't want to be a hypocrite"... well get over it. I'm one. My church is filled with them. We are ALL hypocrites and God still loves us. He knows out struggles. I know you're a very smart guy and I'd guess you've read atleast some of the Bible. Heard of Jesus? Well, God sent Him to die as a permanent sacrifice to cover our sins or NONE of us would EVER be able to be in heaven with Him in the end because of our SIN. I sin everyday man! So do you. Our hearts are evil. ALL of our hearts are bad. BUT, the good news is that He wants us just the way we are. He wants us to want Him! Not be perfect, but "pick up our cross and follow Him". That means try. Do your best. Right where your current state is. I bet you've never really asked God to make Himself real to you. To prove Himself to you. He see's your heart..and if you really mean it He will. Does life get all warm and fuzzy and perfect after you give your heart to Christ? Nope. Jesus says it will get even harder. BUT, that God shaped hole which YOU have (and don't know it) will be filled and you'l have a crazy kind of peace that you can not buy anywhere. Have you ever really sat down and pondered creation? Thought about how complex we are? How complex nature is? People that say it's from a big bang are freakin crazy! No way! NOPE. It's impossible. I've studied so many books on this. I'm not sure if you have. If you take 1 piece of a mouse trap away the entire thing is useless. You can't evolve something that takes so many complex parts to get to where it is if it didn't have all those parts to get there in the first place. It's all of nothing.

OK...you might be getting tired of my "preaching". I'm trying not to, thing is, I know why your struggling in your life dude. Why your hurt. Why your empty or maybe even feeling hopeless. God wants your heart. He created you for a reason. Your a very intelegent guy..and I mean that. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. and so does our heavenly daddy. He sent His son so that you and I could be with Him someday. He just wants you to except Him and call out to Him. Ask for forgiveness and follow him to the best of your ability...day by day.

If you ever wanted to meet for coffee of whatever, I'd drive out to meet with you. I don't belong to ANY religion or church for that reason... so I'm not trying to get you to join anything. I just truly know what God wants for you and what He's done for me. I want you to feel that true joy and peace that I have.

LMK.

Here's my cell if you even want to TXT me.””

Hmm… that’s the first time I ever got a PM that detailed about his jesusness… oh, and I’m not making fun… I don’t have anything against religious folks… so this is what I told him…

“”thx ______...

i don't have anything against any religious person or culture... but for some reason, my belief and knowledge makes me an evil person... i always say "no thanks, i don't need it" because it's the truth... the hypocrite thing is a poor excuse to be honest...  because i am not a hypocrite... i can't be... i won't be...

i was diagnosed to have a severe god complex... maddening almost... the good thing is i'm smart... i know i'm sick... i know when other people  are sick... in college I took a bunch of philosophy and english and i also had advance psychology classes... i understand why most people need god... just as the ants worship the sun... it's all the same to me... but like i said, i don't have anything against religion or culture... i have read most bibles and books... from the book of the apostles, to the koran, to the book of satan... i went through a spiritualistic voyage once... after buying my house and getting my AA, i let and went homeless... i just left... i had to see if i would find a god out there... an entire year i suffered... i starved... i never stole, did drugs or hurt any human that didn't try to hurt me first... you want to know what i discovered...? human beings choose their own path... every bum i met was in that situation because of their choices... i even made that choice... you want to know what saved me...? i did... i just decided to work, made good friends and ended up in an apartment and got myself a truck and went back  home... it was not hard... what was hard was thinking some mystical savior was going to lift me up and hand me the life i wanted...

i grew up surrounded by gangsters, violence, drugs and chaos... i saw so many become born against christians, catholics and other religions... they drown in regret and guilt for years until they would find comfort in god... they needed something to blame for their own errors... they believe that they are being controlled or have a master plan written out for them and that makes them happy... they accept their sins although they know they will be cleansed and still achieve heaven...

i can't do any of that...

i have no regret or guilt... i won't blame my errors on anything or anyone... i control my own life and fate... i treat everyone the way i want to be treated, not with sin... i am not saying i'm perfect, but i am more "jesus like" than the next christian/catholic... my god complex puts me in check... right now i'm going thru tough times, but i am a fighter... i don't get lost, and i don't give up.. i just needed advice from friends... i had a day of depression... it went away really fast... the god complex kicks in once i start doing something... that's why i became a professional body piercer... i would cause pain and destroy flesh... have their blood over my gloves... that's also why i like reef tanks... i have 100% control of what happens to my fish and corals... the chickens... i choose who lives and who doesn't... what eats after a week after hatching, or what gets it's head cut off... i need that... i have to have something to watch over... i want to feel like these creatures worship me... i want to have their life in my finger tips... it's evil... but it feeds me with a power and sensation of total control... i was just scared that i was doing to my sister what i do to my pets...

anyways...

i'd love to kick it and meet someday... i'm a social friendly guy... as long as it doesn't turn into a religious or political debate... LOL…””

that ending line cracked me up…I said some crazy psychotic shit, then said I’m a normal silly guy… hahaha… but anyways… yeah… what I said was true… I’m sick, and that’s why I do stuff… crazy haw…

worst day of my life again...

I’m lost… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what’s going to happen… my life is falling apart… like this is someone’s huge sick joke… it’s hurting me more than any physical strain can hurt me…

My sister nena has been having a hard year… last year she started getting stomach pains and would get bloated big time… so she went in… they ended up keeping her for almost a month… turned out that her heart couldn’t keep up with her body size… so she ended up getting a pace maker put in… at the age of 40… man… so she’s been on pills since then… okay, I had her on a good diet, and was doing good… so then we got our kids taken away… since then she stopped her diet and well, started getting big again… fuck… it was just so much for her… then stupid roger would always give her a hard time too… talking shit and arguing with her… man… fuck him… I hate him more than anything in the world… lately, she would just fall asleep out of nowhere… she couldn’t stay up at all… even when talking to company here at the house… it was embarrassing, but she couldn’t help it… it would sadden me watching her suffer… the last time I took her to the store, she had to rest every couple of steps… in the store I just started crying… I couldn’t help it… I knew what was coming…

After all that, her leg started to swell up… bad… it looked horrible… but she didn’t want to go to the doctors… she was scared at what they were gonna say… idiot… it got bad… she got a condition called cellulitis… sores opened up on her leg and leaking fluids… my other sister coyo would bandage it up for her… nena was embarrassed and would hide it from everyone… man… I told her that it was probably the medication that was causing all of this… for a month we all begged her to go to the doctor… so this Tuesday, kiesha took her to the ER… she told me about the cellulitis and how they have her on antibiotics… and that it was the medication causing all of the swelling… I knew it… anyways… she would call us and joke around like normal… that night I had a horrible nightmare… I dreamed that nena was back, and she was coming out of the restroom… and I said… “why is your leg on the bed nen…?” and I looked at her and noticed that her leg was cut off… OMG, I started crying hard… I woke up crying at 5.22am… i had a horrible feeling… I called nena and she said she was fine…

Yesterday my sisters bugged the nurses to put a phone  in her room… her cell phone died… so they did… then kiesha told me what the doctor told her and what nena didn’t want me to know… I guess she was in there because her heart was beating irregularly… man… then I started to worry… I got scared… I couldn’t sleep last night… today I took my kids to school, got home, showered and drove around town… usually a drive clears my mind from stress, but she was all I kept thinking about… I just couldn’t shake the feeling… I now understand why my dad would leave and do random stuff when my mom was in the hospital… he just wanted to clear his mind for a minute or two… man, I’m just like my dad… now it all makes sense…

 I had a horrible day today… kids stressed me out… their teachers… everything was just fucked up… I almost broke down in the school parking lot… I teared up a bit, but I didn’t want to start crying with the kids in the car… probably freak them out… I got home and went on the forums… Miguel noticed I was stressing so he came with a slice of cake from portos… he’s a good cat… stood here or about an hour or more… for the first time today, I laughed and felt good… i’m so glad I have good friends… I was outside with him with ariana and I kept seeing coyo come in and out of the house… like she didn’t know what to do…

So when they left, she told me… my other sister mag called hysterical in tears… she tried calling nena and the nurse answered the phone… told her that the antibiotics aren’t working, she can’t breathe on her own, and her heart is failing… she’s in an intensive care unit… oh my god… coyo was crying… I sat down, and just broke down… I can’t believe this is happening… this is a nightmare… my sister is dying in a hospital by herself and here I am… doing nothing… I can’t see her or anything right now… holy fuck… what am I going to do…? These kids call her mom… she raised me like my mother… this is so hard for me… we’re going thru court fighting to get andre back… what’s going to happen with that if she doesn’t make it…? i don’t want this to happen… I don’t want her to die… my poor sister… I love her so much…

She’s such a good person… so caring and loving… she would help anyone she could any way she could… she doesn’t deserve this… I want her to come home and be well… i want to see her sitting on her leather recliner hogging up the remote control… I want to walk by and pull her hair or punch her arm… I want her to smile and give the kids kisses… I hope she makes it out of this… I don’t know what I’ll do without her… what about my kids… I don’t want them to grow up without their mom… I want them to know all about her… I want them to live in a normal family with a mom and a father figure uncle… my poor kids… they’re so young… they won’t understand… after being taken away from their home, now they’re having their mom taken away…

Shit… I didn’t want all that to be super sad… but these thoughts are the only thing that I can think of… I can’t even watch TV… my throat hurts, my eyes feel swollen, my tooth hurts… everything is in pain… I can’t stop it from the thoughts of her… the thought of my life without her… our life… without her… I’m so scared… I’m scared for my kids… I’m scared for my dad and family… I don’t know what to do… she used to pay the bills and everything… I don’t know where to send the car payment… what do I do…? Do I ask my dad to move back…? Do I have coyo permanently move in…? what should I do with all of her stuff…? How do I go on without her…? How is my life going to be…?  I don’t know if my kids need new clothes, or what size or any of that crap… I know my friends and family are going to be here for me… I love my friends… I’m going to the hospital tomorrow with jose in the morning… he had no idea what was going on… no one did… hardly anyone knows she’s  in the hospital… I don’t know if I should tell everyone… or anyone…

Please, I hope she gets out of this… I wish someone could help her… help us... I wish she would’ve gone a long time ago… but she just gave up… my mother gave up… she told me… she said to me that she was tired of living and suffering… so she started smoking again… why did my mom give up…? Why couldn’t she fight the cancer…? Now why is nena giving up…? How could she give up on our kids…? How could both of them give up on me…? Why didn’t she call us…? My poor nena… stop giving up… fight for us nena… fight for our family… fight… 

stupid lying ass faggot... v2

So this jack ass is on this hook up site… his name is “MASKDLREQUIRED”…  check out his profile… LOL…

MASC GUY FOR OTHER MEN 28, 5'10", 207lb, 34w, Athletic, Black Hair, Shaved Body, Latino, Looking for 1-on-1 Sex, 3some/ Group Sex.

NO PIX HERE, TO DL SORRY FOR GOOD REASON,, IF UR DOWN WITH A MASC GOOD LOOKIN DUDE HIT IT UP,, NOT INTO FEMS OR GUYS THAT ACT RIDICULOUS, ONLY GOOD LOOKIN MEN LATIN OR WHITE,, NO ASIANS, BLACK, JUST PREFERENCE, RESPECT IT
NO PIX HERE, TO DL SORRY FOR GOOD REASON,, IF UR DOWN WITH A MASC GOOD LOOKIN DUDE HIT IT UP,, NOT INTO FEMS OR GUYS THAT ACT RIDICULOUS, ONLY GOOD LOOKIN MEN LATIN OR WHITE,, NO ASIANS, BLACK, JUST PREFERENCE, RESPECT IT

First of all… fuck you… you don’t have a picture up and aren’t gonna put one up…? Who the hell do you think you are…? Srsly…? Are you that much of a wuss that you don’t want some gay guy to know what you look like…? Wtf… do gay guys really go after this bullshit…? What guy is going to want to hook up or even talk to someone that …? That’s so stupid… fucken creep… anyways… I sent him a message… LOL… I really wanted to know his explanation or thought process on this retarded shaded ass profile… I asked him…

but you can have a pic in private... that way you control who sees you... no one is going to want to hook up with a complete stranger... at least a pic will make them want to hook up...

okay… I don’t think I told him anything to offend him… right…? I just said that he could have a picture in private and lock it from the public eyes… and I told him that no one in their right mind would want to fuck with a guy that doesn’t want to show a picture at all… unless they are weird dumb creepy fucks like him… damn sicko… who the hell does he think he is..? LOL… anyways… this is what he told me…

I've been hooking up bro with out pix.. math u should hide urs Cus looks like u need action but can't get any cuz of ur looks

Hahahaha… that shit was hilarious… I know he hasn’t been hooking up with no pics because his profile is 2 days old… unless you’re finding some nasty ass fucks that are aid’s infected, then I’ll believe you… anyways… this fucker is straight out trying to insult me… that’s funny… I don’t know if I had it coming… but to be honest, it was shocking to me… I was like… WTF…? Srsly…? Are they talking shit to they…? Whatever… this is what I pm’d him back…

hahaha... i didn't hit you up to hate, i thought i was giving advice... if that's the kind of person you really are, then that's just sad... it all makes sense... 
and if you want to insult someone, learn how to spell... why should i "math" anything...? LOL... i trip out when i hook up with men with wedding rings that say they're straight but love sucking dick... i know you're one of them... just a scared cock sucking fag with a horrible personality... i hope you don't have kids...

hahaha… I know that shit hurt his feelings… it would hurt my feelings… but fuck that guy… he deserves it… what a total jack ass… okay, I’m gonna switch it up now…

what the fuck is really going on with the world…? Was that how it was back in the day… all kinds of married men looking for an anonymous dick to sit on…? Sick mother fuckers… why marry your wife and have kids if you’re all about the shaft…? Does that make sense to anyone…? It doesn’t make sense to me… it’s stupid… why are you guys stupid now…? Why can’t you just accept the fact that you were born gay…? Who cares what your friends and family think for a day or two… they’ll get over it… it’s easy and not a big deal… why do you have to ruin lives living in a lie..? your poor wife… your poor kids… man… imagine they found out that mom left dad because he’s a cock sucking bottom aids infected whore…

okay… I’m not going to be all hypocrite and say I’ve never fucked a straight man… I have… and I have always asked them… “how does this make you feel…?” LOL… some guys get all offended and mad… I don’t give a fuck… I tell them the truth… how can they sit there tell me that they’re straight when they’re tonsil deep on my dick…? Not trying to sound graphic, but it’s true… that’s not being straight… straight guys don’t chow on man’s meat… that’s gay… and lying about it… that’s faggotry right there… I met one man in the past that was honest about it… I asked if he was married and he said yes… with kids… his family thinks he’s working overtime… then he started crying… “my family loves me, worships the ground I walk on, and here I am sucking dick like a fag” I wanted to crack up… but I guess it was sad…

wait… that shit is not sad… fuck that guy… he’s a dick… lying to his family and denying it… be a man mother fucker… and stop sucking dick… if you want to be with a man, come out of the closet, leave your wife and pay for your kids therapy… I guess the moral of my story is if you’re gay… don’t get married like a straight man… HAHAHHAA… nothing’s wrong with being gay… just don’t live a lie… btw… 95% of so called “bisexuals” are not bisexuals… they’re perverted ass nymphomaniacs… like me… LOL… 

stupid faggots and their silly drama...

i wrote this on January 18, 2012... but i forgot to publish it... or i thought i did... i dunno... that was probably when my "E" key fucked up and got tired of doing stuff... whatever... it's just some drama i had with this random faggot on this gay smashing website... LOL... scope it out... 

Check out what this faggot from Beverly Hills wrote to me on this gay website… jeez… okay… well to start… I have this profile at this site… yeah, I know it’s wack or whatever, but where else am I gonna meet a gay man like me…? Fuck gay bars… fuck pride parades… bah humbug to the entire “gay scene”… so this fag from BH decides to make it his job to try to educate me on the “gay scene”… okay… on my profile I put that “not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends...” that’s exactly what it says on my profile… so then this twat named “Snugglejuggle” sends me this…

Snugglejuggle (26 mins ago) 'not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends'

All due respect, there's nothing wrong with the scene or having gay friends. Often times, gay people understand each other better having gone through great struggles and similar stories of loss and triumph. Gay people are some of the most well rounded, artistic, well spoken, compassionate people I know and I'm proud to call them friends. You seem like a great person, but it is a little unfortunate that you felt the need to claim (with pride) that you don't have gay friends...on a gay site...where you're looking to meet gay people. You almost make it sound as though being in the company of fellow gays is a sin and wrong. You may not know it or realize it, but you writing you don't have gay friends and prefer straight friends and telling gay people that (as an attempt to knock them) has a lot of internalized homophobia behind it. More often than not, a black person would not go on a black oriented social networking/dating site and say "ONLY hang out with white people and white friends. sorry, don't do black friends"...they would be called out for their ignorance, yet since it's very convenient to hate on gays, it's unfortunate to see fellow gays kicking us while we're already down. This life is too short to live it for others....be you-do you- and don't care about what others precieve you as.

All my best

Dood… srsly… shut the fuck up and learn how to write paragraphs… man… at first I thought nothing of it… I sent him a message saying “LOL” and that’s it… HAHAHAHA… fuck him… but then he sends me another two that said this…

Snugglejuggle (16 mins ago) Your dad may have raised you with 'good ol fashioned values'...but we all know what that means. Machismo homophobia. I would think as a Latino gay instead of wanting to perpetuate more latin homophobia toward our community, you'd want to shift attitudes, but instead...you're no better than the worst homophobe. The difference between them and you is...you happen to still love the dick, and have daddy issues. Before you preach about not hanging out with gays....sorry amigo....you ARE gay, on a G-A-Y ass website looking for other gays to do *gay* things with. No matter how straight ACTING (emphasis on acting) you are and how much you rim heterosexuals and the ground they walk on while looking down on gays who are well adjusted and comfortable in their skin.....you still gay. lol.

And…

Snugglejuggle (13 mins ago) you know...I actually do resent that I stooped below polite and got disrespectful. I regret that as I meant to actually open a mature, honest, respectful dialogue when I wrote you. but I don't think my words will have an impact on you today. some day you'll realize what I mean- and you'll not care what others think, but till then....our values are different. Best of luck either way

Then……. He blocks me…. WTFMOTHEFUCKENFAGGOTMOUTH from Beverly Hills… fuck dumb bitch fag had to block me… man… so I wrote to a friend to relay him a message I wrote… and this is it…

thanks for changing my life... you're a regular dr phil... HAHAHAHA...

you obviously need to learn how to read... stop putting words into my profile and go troll somewhere else... go make a commercial with wanda psykes... i do not have macho attitude or anything... i know i'm gay... i just don't party with gays... hense, not in the "gay scene"... i don't go out, drink or do anything... no parties and crap... not because i don't want to hang around gays... just because i don't do that stuff... my friends are all straight, because i do stuff other straight guys like to do...

you need to take a step  back and realize you don't know enough by just reading a profile to start talking crap... honestly... who the hell do you think you are...? i know i'm gay... do you know what you are...? jeez... if other gay people are like you, i'm glad i don't go to pride events... and if someone would tell me what you just told me in person, i would've started swinging... it would look like gay bashing... but it's just a humbling you deserve...

don't judge anyone and don't try to "educate" or preach nonsense... go troll some where else...

thx...

hahaha… damn gay troll… but srsly… who the hell does he think he is…? He was acting worse than a stupid Christian… fuck… now I know what other people think of gays… 

man, i'm fucken nuts...

Why are they called two way mirrors..? you can’t see thru it from the front, but you can only see in thru the back of it… that’s only one way…? That’s so stupid… I hate people that name shit dumb or wrong… like I just learned that a snap back is a hat with the adjustable scrap… fuck… those shit’s been around for years… decades… and just now they get a “cool” name… fucken people… what the hell is their problem…? Before this turns into an #dubstepisstupid post, I’m gonna change it all quick like…

On the forum some guy’s friend’s father just died… at 2am… that’s hard… the pics he showed on the thread totally messed me up… he invited me to his house to pick up a coral, but I didn’t want to go and see his friend dieing of cancer… it scared me… I can honestly that cancer terrifies me… I saw a couple of people waste away and die from it including my mother… I hate it… it terrifies me… I instantly break down if I know they have it… it’s even made me a terrible person… I was dating this one guy that had cancer in remission… once he told me, I kept my distance and stopped talking to him… why did I do that…? I guess I had to protect myself… I don’t want to go thru that whole ordeal again… if I can prevent myself from losing a loved one, I will… even if that means I won’t find happiness with that person… am I a fool..? am I selfish…? Man I don’t know… but I’ve done this twice and I don’t know what to think of myself when I think about it…

I just hope that they think I’m an asshole… that way they don’t know the truth… they don’t know that I’m scared of their disease… man that is horrible… I’m a horrible person… I hurt them more than they deserve… the second guy I was dating ended up getting diagnosed with leukemia… after that, I just stood away… I remember him writing shit on myspace like “now that I have cancer, I know who my true friends are”… fuck, that tore me up… I’m so sorry… but I can’t just tell him the truth… what am I going to say…? “I don’t want to get close to you because you have cancer and you might die…” fuck… that’s the truth… but I can’t say it… I wouldn’t know what to say…

A friend of mine told me that what I was doing is sacrificing people… part of my god complex… no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it… it’s embedded in my DNA… it can’t be fixed… I put a post on that kid’s thread… I told him that his friend needs him more than ever… and how horrible losing someone to cancer is… I probably put up too much information, but I think I needed to vent a little… I miss my mom every day… I hate the thought of forgetting her voice, face, persona that I think about her all the time… but I think it’s happening… I have a horrible memory… I forget stuff all the time… so I’m making an effort... my garden, all my plants, trees, shrubs, flowers are to remember her… I’m trying to recreate what she once accomplished… after her death, my dad tore out all of her plants… I guess they all reminded him of her… memories and terrible thoughts secretly tucked away in his conscious… it eats away at him now… I can feel it…

The way we cope is crazy… always different one person from the other… but what I did notice is that we all changed… all of us… my entire family changed once my mom passed… I was a grade A student… my dad was a distant but caring parent… my sisters all went on a rampage looking for love in the wrong places after her death… cancer kills more than people, it changes life… I wonder all the time what I would be doing if my mom didn’t die from cancer… would I have graduated high school…? Gone to a better college and become a veterinarian or psychologist like planned…? Shit totally trips me out… but I hate this… I hate what I become… this thing inside of me… that makes me praise and feed something…  to love and be loved back at my command… to create an environment totally depending on my interactions and decision… the drive to control and manipulate everything… to make things suffer at my will… to watch them die slowly and painfully… to know that I can control a life…

It scares me… I want it gone…

update... late but whatever...

i typed this up nov 25...


Well… I’m sitting in the court room lobby again… I thought… why the heck not bust a court room update on this sucka… man… well, yeah I’m back again… and today it’s super packed… I feel like bill gates with my laptop out… it’s super ghetto today… LOL… like big time… there are even pimp canes up in here… HAHAHAHslkfjaslkfjaskl;jfaskl;jf… man that’s hilarious… but I mustn’t forget why I’m here… I’m here today for andre… if all goes as planned, we will get him back today… if we get cock blocked… well, that’s something else… we’re all hoping we get andre back… it’s going to be a mission for a couple of months though… since he’s been at the foster home, we noticed that he’s been acting up and not listening… it took us a long time to get his rhythm and attitude own… since he has some sort of autism and other learning disabilities, we have to build a different structure for him… now that these foster “parents” give him whatever he wants all of the time, it’s fucked up… he’s gonna be a nightmare at home and at school…

I think I’m gonna switch it up a bit… I want to vent about my recent chicken massacre… fuck… holy fucken shit… yeah that bad… you guys all know that I have chickens and crap… well, at one of the last meets, I traded some serama chicks for a gorgeous mille fleur OEGB pullet… well.. those chicks ended up introducing something to my flock… OMG out of 60+ chickens, I only have about 20 or so left… and these weren’t chicks… they were full grown breeders and expensive ass chickens that I have been collecting and planning for future breeding projects… sucks… I had it all mapped out and planned… in 4-5 years I was going to have some amazing malay type seramas… now this set me back to square one… fuck… I can’t believe it happened… also, I can’t figure out what they have… it makes no sense… they’re fine one day, next morning they’re a bit lethargic, and that afternoon they’re deadfaced…

Well… after I noticed that cowboy and my self blue breeders were gonna die, I got bummed out sick… I haven’t gone to a chicken forum in a long time… it’s just been hard for me to realize that well… I lost a lot of my chickens… this is worse than when my lake Tanganyika cichlid tank crashed and lost hundreds in exotic fish… these birds have personality, grace, hilarity and showed some sort of affection towards me… sigh… now I wait… I have to clean everything spic and span then disinfect with some chemical that’s super expensive… :sadface: stupid emoticons don’t work here… the great thing is that I have a bunch of awesome chicken friends that are donating some decent roosters to me… I totally feel the love… although, I rather pay for them… I’ll see what happens… 

I just spoke with my attorney… it doesn’t look good… fuck… I don’t know what’s gonna happen… but we’re fighting… and fighting as hard as we can… this is a nightmare… parents worst reality… and the sad part is that there are hundreds of cases around me… they’re all going thru the same shit… it’s freaken nuts… the system obviously doesn’t work… hopefully, we will realize this as a society… all of these kids needing medical and psychiatric help after the they get into the “system”… my kids are getting counseling and other shit… what pisses me off is that tey’re making it look like if it’s all our fault… like we’re the reason they are how they are… stupid state… I wish I could just move my family and animals and friends and stuff to mexico… but a good spot in mexico… like on the side of a mountain somewhere… LOL…