tired of hiding my disease...

I recently made a thread on socali reefs talking about my stressful situation… I hardly do, but I guess since this has been going on, I have been talking to more people about my disease… no one knows about it… I don’t make it public… but I guess, I’m getting tired of pretending everything is okay… well… I know I haven’t updated this blog… it’s just that I haven’t had the time… but I am on lock down, and got all the time in the world now… so tomorrow, I’ll update on my sister and kids situation… but right now, I just want to talk about my disease, and what god means to me…

So, most of guys on the forum gave me great advice…real friends right there… and a couple told me to jump on jesus’ nuts… I put on the forum, “no thx, I don’t need it…” LOL… anyways… this morning I got a PM from someone… this is what it says… hold on, I got to edit out his screen name and phone number…

“”Hey, it's ___. I've read lots of your comments on threads for the past 2 years. I have a good idea on your feelings for god. Problem I see is that god is with the small "g". I don't believe you've given God a chance. Ok... I'm not sure who has tried to thump you over the head with the Bible or "god"... but I will not do this to you. BUT...I just wanted you to know where I'm coming from and my background. I was blessed to be brought up by great parents. No perfect, but very loving and supportive parents. Yes, I was brought up in "the church". You know, we all have a choice to make, a path to follow and God gave us ALL free will. He doesn't want us to be robots. If I was God or you were God and created the earth and everything on it...we might have made everything worship "ME"! Well God's not that way Gumbi. I've heard every story and reason NOT to believe in Him. Trust me. My wife and I have been lat counselors in out church for many years. People are jacked up! So many hurt people out there. I've heard crazy stories..and it makes me fell like I'm the abnormal one. Seriously...it's unbelievable how many stories I've heard about broken families and bad examples parents have given to their kids. SO, I get it. God gets it. It's called SIN. Dude, you say you "don't want to be a hypocrite"... well get over it. I'm one. My church is filled with them. We are ALL hypocrites and God still loves us. He knows out struggles. I know you're a very smart guy and I'd guess you've read atleast some of the Bible. Heard of Jesus? Well, God sent Him to die as a permanent sacrifice to cover our sins or NONE of us would EVER be able to be in heaven with Him in the end because of our SIN. I sin everyday man! So do you. Our hearts are evil. ALL of our hearts are bad. BUT, the good news is that He wants us just the way we are. He wants us to want Him! Not be perfect, but "pick up our cross and follow Him". That means try. Do your best. Right where your current state is. I bet you've never really asked God to make Himself real to you. To prove Himself to you. He see's your heart..and if you really mean it He will. Does life get all warm and fuzzy and perfect after you give your heart to Christ? Nope. Jesus says it will get even harder. BUT, that God shaped hole which YOU have (and don't know it) will be filled and you'l have a crazy kind of peace that you can not buy anywhere. Have you ever really sat down and pondered creation? Thought about how complex we are? How complex nature is? People that say it's from a big bang are freakin crazy! No way! NOPE. It's impossible. I've studied so many books on this. I'm not sure if you have. If you take 1 piece of a mouse trap away the entire thing is useless. You can't evolve something that takes so many complex parts to get to where it is if it didn't have all those parts to get there in the first place. It's all of nothing.

OK...you might be getting tired of my "preaching". I'm trying not to, thing is, I know why your struggling in your life dude. Why your hurt. Why your empty or maybe even feeling hopeless. God wants your heart. He created you for a reason. Your a very intelegent guy..and I mean that. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. and so does our heavenly daddy. He sent His son so that you and I could be with Him someday. He just wants you to except Him and call out to Him. Ask for forgiveness and follow him to the best of your ability...day by day.

If you ever wanted to meet for coffee of whatever, I'd drive out to meet with you. I don't belong to ANY religion or church for that reason... so I'm not trying to get you to join anything. I just truly know what God wants for you and what He's done for me. I want you to feel that true joy and peace that I have.

LMK.

Here's my cell if you even want to TXT me.””

Hmm… that’s the first time I ever got a PM that detailed about his jesusness… oh, and I’m not making fun… I don’t have anything against religious folks… so this is what I told him…

“”thx ______...

i don't have anything against any religious person or culture... but for some reason, my belief and knowledge makes me an evil person... i always say "no thanks, i don't need it" because it's the truth... the hypocrite thing is a poor excuse to be honest...  because i am not a hypocrite... i can't be... i won't be...

i was diagnosed to have a severe god complex... maddening almost... the good thing is i'm smart... i know i'm sick... i know when other people  are sick... in college I took a bunch of philosophy and english and i also had advance psychology classes... i understand why most people need god... just as the ants worship the sun... it's all the same to me... but like i said, i don't have anything against religion or culture... i have read most bibles and books... from the book of the apostles, to the koran, to the book of satan... i went through a spiritualistic voyage once... after buying my house and getting my AA, i let and went homeless... i just left... i had to see if i would find a god out there... an entire year i suffered... i starved... i never stole, did drugs or hurt any human that didn't try to hurt me first... you want to know what i discovered...? human beings choose their own path... every bum i met was in that situation because of their choices... i even made that choice... you want to know what saved me...? i did... i just decided to work, made good friends and ended up in an apartment and got myself a truck and went back  home... it was not hard... what was hard was thinking some mystical savior was going to lift me up and hand me the life i wanted...

i grew up surrounded by gangsters, violence, drugs and chaos... i saw so many become born against christians, catholics and other religions... they drown in regret and guilt for years until they would find comfort in god... they needed something to blame for their own errors... they believe that they are being controlled or have a master plan written out for them and that makes them happy... they accept their sins although they know they will be cleansed and still achieve heaven...

i can't do any of that...

i have no regret or guilt... i won't blame my errors on anything or anyone... i control my own life and fate... i treat everyone the way i want to be treated, not with sin... i am not saying i'm perfect, but i am more "jesus like" than the next christian/catholic... my god complex puts me in check... right now i'm going thru tough times, but i am a fighter... i don't get lost, and i don't give up.. i just needed advice from friends... i had a day of depression... it went away really fast... the god complex kicks in once i start doing something... that's why i became a professional body piercer... i would cause pain and destroy flesh... have their blood over my gloves... that's also why i like reef tanks... i have 100% control of what happens to my fish and corals... the chickens... i choose who lives and who doesn't... what eats after a week after hatching, or what gets it's head cut off... i need that... i have to have something to watch over... i want to feel like these creatures worship me... i want to have their life in my finger tips... it's evil... but it feeds me with a power and sensation of total control... i was just scared that i was doing to my sister what i do to my pets...

anyways...

i'd love to kick it and meet someday... i'm a social friendly guy... as long as it doesn't turn into a religious or political debate... LOL…””

that ending line cracked me up…I said some crazy psychotic shit, then said I’m a normal silly guy… hahaha… but anyways… yeah… what I said was true… I’m sick, and that’s why I do stuff… crazy haw…