Why
are they called two way mirrors..? you can’t see thru it from the front, but
you can only see in thru the back of it… that’s only one way…? That’s so
stupid… I hate people that name shit dumb or wrong… like I just learned that a
snap back is a hat with the adjustable scrap… fuck… those shit’s been around
for years… decades… and just now they get a “cool” name… fucken people… what
the hell is their problem…? Before this turns into an #dubstepisstupid post,
I’m gonna change it all quick like…
On
the forum some guy’s friend’s father just died… at 2am… that’s hard… the pics
he showed on the thread totally messed me up… he invited me to his house to
pick up a coral, but I didn’t want to go and see his friend dieing of cancer…
it scared me… I can honestly that cancer terrifies me… I saw a couple of people
waste away and die from it including my mother… I hate it… it terrifies me… I
instantly break down if I know they have it… it’s even made me a terrible
person… I was dating this one guy that had cancer in remission… once he told
me, I kept my distance and stopped talking to him… why did I do that…? I guess
I had to protect myself… I don’t want to go thru that whole ordeal again… if I
can prevent myself from losing a loved one, I will… even if that means I won’t
find happiness with that person… am I a fool..? am I selfish…? Man I don’t
know… but I’ve done this twice and I don’t know what to think of myself when I think
about it…
I
just hope that they think I’m an asshole… that way they don’t know the truth…
they don’t know that I’m scared of their disease… man that is horrible… I’m a
horrible person… I hurt them more than they deserve… the second guy I was
dating ended up getting diagnosed with leukemia… after that, I just stood away…
I remember him writing shit on myspace like “now that I have cancer, I know who
my true friends are”… fuck, that tore me up… I’m so sorry… but I can’t just
tell him the truth… what am I going to say…? “I don’t want to get close to you
because you have cancer and you might die…” fuck… that’s the truth… but I can’t
say it… I wouldn’t know what to say…
A
friend of mine told me that what I was doing is sacrificing people… part of my
god complex… no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it… it’s embedded in my DNA…
it can’t be fixed… I put a post on that kid’s thread… I told him that his
friend needs him more than ever… and how horrible losing someone to cancer is…
I probably put up too much information, but I think I needed to vent a little…
I miss my mom every day… I hate the thought of forgetting her voice, face,
persona that I think about her all the time… but I think it’s happening… I have
a horrible memory… I forget stuff all the time… so I’m making an effort... my
garden, all my plants, trees, shrubs, flowers are to remember her… I’m trying
to recreate what she once accomplished… after her death, my dad tore out all of
her plants… I guess they all reminded him of her… memories and terrible
thoughts secretly tucked away in his conscious… it eats away at him now… I can
feel it…
The
way we cope is crazy… always different one person from the other… but what I
did notice is that we all changed… all of us… my entire family changed once my
mom passed… I was a grade A student… my dad was a distant but caring parent… my
sisters all went on a rampage looking for love in the wrong places after her
death… cancer kills more than people, it changes life… I wonder all the time
what I would be doing if my mom didn’t die from cancer… would I have graduated
high school…? Gone to a better college and become a veterinarian or
psychologist like planned…? Shit totally trips me out… but I hate this… I hate
what I become… this thing inside of me… that makes me praise and feed something…
to love and be loved back at my command…
to create an environment totally depending on my interactions and decision… the
drive to control and manipulate everything… to make things suffer at my will…
to watch them die slowly and painfully… to know that I can control a life…
It
scares me… I want it gone…
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