sadness and sorrow is all i feel...

October 25, 2011

Today might be one of the worst days of my life… I haven’t felt this bad since my mother died from cancer… and it’s going to be like this all week…

I haven’t moved from the couch since 5pm… I’m just waiting for a phone call from someone telling us what time and where we can see our kids… today, they were taken away from us… a police officer came today, talked to us, then left… told us that we have nothing to worry about… minutes later a social worker came over… told us that the school reported us… again… no biggie… but this time, he did have a bruise on his cheek from when he fell and hit himself on his bed… we told them, and we told the teacher about it too… but I guess they just didn’t care about the notes we sent with him, and still reported us…

Then the social worker talked to all three kids by themselves… then she left… stood in her car for about 30 minutes talking on the phone… then walked back in and said that she’s going to take them… fuck… it was a huge shock for me and nena… but it felt like a joke a bit… I laughed and started talking shit like always… then someone else came and told nena to start packing up their bags… fuck… matthew kind of felt something, and he jumped behind me and started hugging me… I couldn’t do anything about it…I told them that we don’t hit our kids, and that all of these papers say that he does self-inflicting injuries all of the time… but they don’t care… after that I just sat here… gave them all a kiss, and they left not knowing that they aren’t going to come home tonight…

Right now it’s killing me… knowing that they left all happy thinking they were just going with these nice people… they took their favorite toys, clothes and homework… I don’t even know if they ate anything… I was just about to make them something to eat… i was on the floor coloring with matthew when the social worker came… right now the color pencils are at my feet… when they were walking the kids out, I text jose… “they’re taking the kids…” and he came right away… I feel bad for him because, I couldn’t talk anymore… I just sat here… he was talking with nena and desiree, but I just shut down… haven’t really spoken to anyone… I just ate right now… but I can’t stop crying… I don’t know what to do… I’m just waiting for a stupid phone call… they should’ve called by now… no one has come to my house for hours… I don’t know if it’s a good thing…

For some reason I woke up with a feeling that something bad was going to happen… earlier when I was taking ariana to her preschool, I tweeted “I Have a feeling that today is going to be one of those emo days for me... remembering me mom before I forget her forever... “ for no reason… now it makes me wonder… maybe I knew something tragic was going to happen… but why..? maybe my mother was trying to warn me…?? Nah, I don’t believe in that shit… but still, it’s tripping me out… man, I just realized that they took the kids away 3 hours ago… and it feels like it was forever ago… time slowed down so much… all I can do is sit here and think about them… I can’t stop… bill has been texting me, but to be honest, I don’t feel like talking to friends… I don’t know what to do… I just posted on the chicken forum that I might get rid of all of my chickens and animals…

This Friday we’re going to court… there we will find out what is going to happen with us and the kids… we can either get them back, or permanently get them taken away… if I don’t get them back, I don’t know what is going to happen… I feel like giving up on everything and everyone and just leaving to another state or something… start an entire new life somewhere else… I have done it before… well, kind of… last time I left, I was sleeping under park benches and freeway overpasses with other homeless bums… today is the first time I have ever felt like a failure.. although I know I didn’t… I tried my hardest… I did whatever I could… these are not my biological kids from my own seed… but they are my kids… I love them and treated them as good as I could… I really want them back… I already miss them, and can’t believe they’re gone…

And don’t worry people… I’m not gonna go kill myself… I’m not that stupid… and if I do, and you know me, you will get a phone call when I do… seriously… I have a death list in my room inside a brown envelope labeled “for jose, please read” that has numbers, emails, contacts, forums, profiles, websites, passwords with detailed directions on what to do.. I’m not suicidal… but you never know what could happen… I know way to many people and when I die, I want to have a HUGE funeral… just like my mother’s…

Well, I have to go…. I have to sit and think about what I’m going to do… I’ll post another blog Friday after the court hearing… wish me luck, and thanks for reading… it means a lot to me…