tired of hiding my disease...

I recently made a thread on socali reefs talking about my stressful situation… I hardly do, but I guess since this has been going on, I have been talking to more people about my disease… no one knows about it… I don’t make it public… but I guess, I’m getting tired of pretending everything is okay… well… I know I haven’t updated this blog… it’s just that I haven’t had the time… but I am on lock down, and got all the time in the world now… so tomorrow, I’ll update on my sister and kids situation… but right now, I just want to talk about my disease, and what god means to me…

So, most of guys on the forum gave me great advice…real friends right there… and a couple told me to jump on jesus’ nuts… I put on the forum, “no thx, I don’t need it…” LOL… anyways… this morning I got a PM from someone… this is what it says… hold on, I got to edit out his screen name and phone number…

“”Hey, it's ___. I've read lots of your comments on threads for the past 2 years. I have a good idea on your feelings for god. Problem I see is that god is with the small "g". I don't believe you've given God a chance. Ok... I'm not sure who has tried to thump you over the head with the Bible or "god"... but I will not do this to you. BUT...I just wanted you to know where I'm coming from and my background. I was blessed to be brought up by great parents. No perfect, but very loving and supportive parents. Yes, I was brought up in "the church". You know, we all have a choice to make, a path to follow and God gave us ALL free will. He doesn't want us to be robots. If I was God or you were God and created the earth and everything on it...we might have made everything worship "ME"! Well God's not that way Gumbi. I've heard every story and reason NOT to believe in Him. Trust me. My wife and I have been lat counselors in out church for many years. People are jacked up! So many hurt people out there. I've heard crazy stories..and it makes me fell like I'm the abnormal one. Seriously...it's unbelievable how many stories I've heard about broken families and bad examples parents have given to their kids. SO, I get it. God gets it. It's called SIN. Dude, you say you "don't want to be a hypocrite"... well get over it. I'm one. My church is filled with them. We are ALL hypocrites and God still loves us. He knows out struggles. I know you're a very smart guy and I'd guess you've read atleast some of the Bible. Heard of Jesus? Well, God sent Him to die as a permanent sacrifice to cover our sins or NONE of us would EVER be able to be in heaven with Him in the end because of our SIN. I sin everyday man! So do you. Our hearts are evil. ALL of our hearts are bad. BUT, the good news is that He wants us just the way we are. He wants us to want Him! Not be perfect, but "pick up our cross and follow Him". That means try. Do your best. Right where your current state is. I bet you've never really asked God to make Himself real to you. To prove Himself to you. He see's your heart..and if you really mean it He will. Does life get all warm and fuzzy and perfect after you give your heart to Christ? Nope. Jesus says it will get even harder. BUT, that God shaped hole which YOU have (and don't know it) will be filled and you'l have a crazy kind of peace that you can not buy anywhere. Have you ever really sat down and pondered creation? Thought about how complex we are? How complex nature is? People that say it's from a big bang are freakin crazy! No way! NOPE. It's impossible. I've studied so many books on this. I'm not sure if you have. If you take 1 piece of a mouse trap away the entire thing is useless. You can't evolve something that takes so many complex parts to get to where it is if it didn't have all those parts to get there in the first place. It's all of nothing.

OK...you might be getting tired of my "preaching". I'm trying not to, thing is, I know why your struggling in your life dude. Why your hurt. Why your empty or maybe even feeling hopeless. God wants your heart. He created you for a reason. Your a very intelegent guy..and I mean that. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. and so does our heavenly daddy. He sent His son so that you and I could be with Him someday. He just wants you to except Him and call out to Him. Ask for forgiveness and follow him to the best of your ability...day by day.

If you ever wanted to meet for coffee of whatever, I'd drive out to meet with you. I don't belong to ANY religion or church for that reason... so I'm not trying to get you to join anything. I just truly know what God wants for you and what He's done for me. I want you to feel that true joy and peace that I have.

LMK.

Here's my cell if you even want to TXT me.””

Hmm… that’s the first time I ever got a PM that detailed about his jesusness… oh, and I’m not making fun… I don’t have anything against religious folks… so this is what I told him…

“”thx ______...

i don't have anything against any religious person or culture... but for some reason, my belief and knowledge makes me an evil person... i always say "no thanks, i don't need it" because it's the truth... the hypocrite thing is a poor excuse to be honest...  because i am not a hypocrite... i can't be... i won't be...

i was diagnosed to have a severe god complex... maddening almost... the good thing is i'm smart... i know i'm sick... i know when other people  are sick... in college I took a bunch of philosophy and english and i also had advance psychology classes... i understand why most people need god... just as the ants worship the sun... it's all the same to me... but like i said, i don't have anything against religion or culture... i have read most bibles and books... from the book of the apostles, to the koran, to the book of satan... i went through a spiritualistic voyage once... after buying my house and getting my AA, i let and went homeless... i just left... i had to see if i would find a god out there... an entire year i suffered... i starved... i never stole, did drugs or hurt any human that didn't try to hurt me first... you want to know what i discovered...? human beings choose their own path... every bum i met was in that situation because of their choices... i even made that choice... you want to know what saved me...? i did... i just decided to work, made good friends and ended up in an apartment and got myself a truck and went back  home... it was not hard... what was hard was thinking some mystical savior was going to lift me up and hand me the life i wanted...

i grew up surrounded by gangsters, violence, drugs and chaos... i saw so many become born against christians, catholics and other religions... they drown in regret and guilt for years until they would find comfort in god... they needed something to blame for their own errors... they believe that they are being controlled or have a master plan written out for them and that makes them happy... they accept their sins although they know they will be cleansed and still achieve heaven...

i can't do any of that...

i have no regret or guilt... i won't blame my errors on anything or anyone... i control my own life and fate... i treat everyone the way i want to be treated, not with sin... i am not saying i'm perfect, but i am more "jesus like" than the next christian/catholic... my god complex puts me in check... right now i'm going thru tough times, but i am a fighter... i don't get lost, and i don't give up.. i just needed advice from friends... i had a day of depression... it went away really fast... the god complex kicks in once i start doing something... that's why i became a professional body piercer... i would cause pain and destroy flesh... have their blood over my gloves... that's also why i like reef tanks... i have 100% control of what happens to my fish and corals... the chickens... i choose who lives and who doesn't... what eats after a week after hatching, or what gets it's head cut off... i need that... i have to have something to watch over... i want to feel like these creatures worship me... i want to have their life in my finger tips... it's evil... but it feeds me with a power and sensation of total control... i was just scared that i was doing to my sister what i do to my pets...

anyways...

i'd love to kick it and meet someday... i'm a social friendly guy... as long as it doesn't turn into a religious or political debate... LOL…””

that ending line cracked me up…I said some crazy psychotic shit, then said I’m a normal silly guy… hahaha… but anyways… yeah… what I said was true… I’m sick, and that’s why I do stuff… crazy haw…

worst day of my life again...

I’m lost… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what’s going to happen… my life is falling apart… like this is someone’s huge sick joke… it’s hurting me more than any physical strain can hurt me…

My sister nena has been having a hard year… last year she started getting stomach pains and would get bloated big time… so she went in… they ended up keeping her for almost a month… turned out that her heart couldn’t keep up with her body size… so she ended up getting a pace maker put in… at the age of 40… man… so she’s been on pills since then… okay, I had her on a good diet, and was doing good… so then we got our kids taken away… since then she stopped her diet and well, started getting big again… fuck… it was just so much for her… then stupid roger would always give her a hard time too… talking shit and arguing with her… man… fuck him… I hate him more than anything in the world… lately, she would just fall asleep out of nowhere… she couldn’t stay up at all… even when talking to company here at the house… it was embarrassing, but she couldn’t help it… it would sadden me watching her suffer… the last time I took her to the store, she had to rest every couple of steps… in the store I just started crying… I couldn’t help it… I knew what was coming…

After all that, her leg started to swell up… bad… it looked horrible… but she didn’t want to go to the doctors… she was scared at what they were gonna say… idiot… it got bad… she got a condition called cellulitis… sores opened up on her leg and leaking fluids… my other sister coyo would bandage it up for her… nena was embarrassed and would hide it from everyone… man… I told her that it was probably the medication that was causing all of this… for a month we all begged her to go to the doctor… so this Tuesday, kiesha took her to the ER… she told me about the cellulitis and how they have her on antibiotics… and that it was the medication causing all of the swelling… I knew it… anyways… she would call us and joke around like normal… that night I had a horrible nightmare… I dreamed that nena was back, and she was coming out of the restroom… and I said… “why is your leg on the bed nen…?” and I looked at her and noticed that her leg was cut off… OMG, I started crying hard… I woke up crying at 5.22am… i had a horrible feeling… I called nena and she said she was fine…

Yesterday my sisters bugged the nurses to put a phone  in her room… her cell phone died… so they did… then kiesha told me what the doctor told her and what nena didn’t want me to know… I guess she was in there because her heart was beating irregularly… man… then I started to worry… I got scared… I couldn’t sleep last night… today I took my kids to school, got home, showered and drove around town… usually a drive clears my mind from stress, but she was all I kept thinking about… I just couldn’t shake the feeling… I now understand why my dad would leave and do random stuff when my mom was in the hospital… he just wanted to clear his mind for a minute or two… man, I’m just like my dad… now it all makes sense…

 I had a horrible day today… kids stressed me out… their teachers… everything was just fucked up… I almost broke down in the school parking lot… I teared up a bit, but I didn’t want to start crying with the kids in the car… probably freak them out… I got home and went on the forums… Miguel noticed I was stressing so he came with a slice of cake from portos… he’s a good cat… stood here or about an hour or more… for the first time today, I laughed and felt good… i’m so glad I have good friends… I was outside with him with ariana and I kept seeing coyo come in and out of the house… like she didn’t know what to do…

So when they left, she told me… my other sister mag called hysterical in tears… she tried calling nena and the nurse answered the phone… told her that the antibiotics aren’t working, she can’t breathe on her own, and her heart is failing… she’s in an intensive care unit… oh my god… coyo was crying… I sat down, and just broke down… I can’t believe this is happening… this is a nightmare… my sister is dying in a hospital by herself and here I am… doing nothing… I can’t see her or anything right now… holy fuck… what am I going to do…? These kids call her mom… she raised me like my mother… this is so hard for me… we’re going thru court fighting to get andre back… what’s going to happen with that if she doesn’t make it…? i don’t want this to happen… I don’t want her to die… my poor sister… I love her so much…

She’s such a good person… so caring and loving… she would help anyone she could any way she could… she doesn’t deserve this… I want her to come home and be well… i want to see her sitting on her leather recliner hogging up the remote control… I want to walk by and pull her hair or punch her arm… I want her to smile and give the kids kisses… I hope she makes it out of this… I don’t know what I’ll do without her… what about my kids… I don’t want them to grow up without their mom… I want them to know all about her… I want them to live in a normal family with a mom and a father figure uncle… my poor kids… they’re so young… they won’t understand… after being taken away from their home, now they’re having their mom taken away…

Shit… I didn’t want all that to be super sad… but these thoughts are the only thing that I can think of… I can’t even watch TV… my throat hurts, my eyes feel swollen, my tooth hurts… everything is in pain… I can’t stop it from the thoughts of her… the thought of my life without her… our life… without her… I’m so scared… I’m scared for my kids… I’m scared for my dad and family… I don’t know what to do… she used to pay the bills and everything… I don’t know where to send the car payment… what do I do…? Do I ask my dad to move back…? Do I have coyo permanently move in…? what should I do with all of her stuff…? How do I go on without her…? How is my life going to be…?  I don’t know if my kids need new clothes, or what size or any of that crap… I know my friends and family are going to be here for me… I love my friends… I’m going to the hospital tomorrow with jose in the morning… he had no idea what was going on… no one did… hardly anyone knows she’s  in the hospital… I don’t know if I should tell everyone… or anyone…

Please, I hope she gets out of this… I wish someone could help her… help us... I wish she would’ve gone a long time ago… but she just gave up… my mother gave up… she told me… she said to me that she was tired of living and suffering… so she started smoking again… why did my mom give up…? Why couldn’t she fight the cancer…? Now why is nena giving up…? How could she give up on our kids…? How could both of them give up on me…? Why didn’t she call us…? My poor nena… stop giving up… fight for us nena… fight for our family… fight…