disclaimers, dad and the weather... let's discuss they...

first off... some drama happened because of my last post on here... look... i really don't care if anybody got mad or anything... i know that this is public and anyone could see it... but that's why i hardly ever talk about my blog in the "real" world... everything that i post here is 100% the truth... it's how i think, feel, want, everything... i have absolute nothing to hide... i am a man but before that a human being... i need somewhere to vent and let the anguish out sometimes... since i'm single i blog it... if you read it and your name comes out I DON'T CARE!!!... srsly... if you confront me on this i will say it to your face... but since i don't condone drama, i keep it to myself or on here...

now the entire story i heard reeks of suspicious behavior... all kinds of possibilities came up wile on the phone with jose... maybe i shouldn't put them on here because i'm pretty sure they are going to be read... but like i said... i don't care... let me make the epic episode short... i wrote an insult, friend read it before, "somehow" friend showed it to person i insulted... okay... all kinds of things went off in my head... why would it come up after they knew i insulted them... sigh... you know what... i'll just sum it up really quick... i think this will result in more drama... i HATE drama... that's for women... srsly... me being a man hates drama... that's why i'm gay... women are 100% drama... even if they are cool and chill, i have no tolerance for drama... fuck... it's stupid and waste everyone's breath and time...

this past weekend my dad came to visit... until late last year i didn't speak to my dad for 5 years or more... it was 100% my choice, and i had good reasons for it... it also taught him a lesson... before i would tell him my status and he would always think i was lieing... never gave me the benefit of the doubt... the worst part is that he hates liars like me... so i figured that he somehow really believes that i am a liar and hates me too... so i just stood away from him... i didn't ask about him, never saw him nothing... just cut him out of my life... until he asked for me one day saying that he wanted to apologize... so whatever... now i've been seeing him and going places with him... but it's still like whatever...

this time he came over i actually got to look at him and have a real conversation... i learned that i am just like him... from the conspiracy theories, hatred towards liars, thieves and retards... and sicknesses... i also have diabetes like him... but he doesn't know... i don't want to tell him... but now i noticed that he really old... i'm really old... i can see the silence that used to be his personality and life... his charm and grace has dulled down... he is growing old and dieing slowly... i have come to notice that i don't have much time to spend with him now... and everytime he comes to visit it's a huge risk for him... he drives more than an hour from tijuana to LA once a month... at his age and status it is a huge risk factor...

after our conversation i gave him a hug and a kiss... he told me he loves me and now i know he means it... since i can remember, he used to buy my love... i would get mad, and he would go out and buy me a new game or toy... that's just how it always was... once i hit highschool and went on a spiritual/life voyage living on the streets i changed my way of thinking... i got mad at him for buying my affection with materialistic things... things that he could just go out and buy me to make me happy... i started to hate him... he didn't love me... there was no love there... when i picked up the guitar all he did was destroy my desire to play... he threw me out... once i did leave, he begged me to come back, but i thought... fuck... he threw me out... all of my assumptions should be fact... and i left...

i advocate not to buy children's love... after realizing the trick, that love grew into hate... it is false love... now that he hugged me back and told me he loves me, all of that hate was gone... i don't know where it is... gone... now when he comes i get sad... seeing him old and brittle depresses me... was i wrong to not seeing him for all this time...? when he would come to visit and leave, would he get sad for not seeing me...? all this time did he hurt because i wasn't there to give him a hug and a kiss...? fuck... i am a terrible person for that... worst thing anyone could do... but i didn't know right...? sigh... i hope i didn't...

i have to get my passport and driver's license soon... he wants me to go drive and pick him up for his appointments... i have to do it... even though i have no drive or ambition for any of that... it has to be done... i owe him big time... but i still wish he could've been more involved in my life... but now as i'm getting older, i see why he couldn't... he was 43 when i was born... he couldn't take me to the park and play football like gabriel's dad... or teach me how to ride a bike... or drive across the county so i could play a hockey game... he was either too tired or at work... fuck... he just couldn't do any of that stuff... so he did the only thing he possibly could to make me smile...

fuck... today is a horrible day to write this post... the weather is all fucked up, and it's bumming me out... for some reason i'm very depressed... i have been for a wile now... maybe since i saw my dad... this weekend i scored a rare coral that i have never seen before... and i'm not as happy as when i got my bubblegum monster chalice or red planet acro... i should be but i'm not... my sister coyo is right here next to me watching tv with the kids... i should be enjoying these moments... but i'm not... jose wanted me to go check out some fish at a homies house and i didn't feel like it... bruce invited me to go have dinner with him and googles... yet here i am typing this shit up... i would've gone in a heart beat... googles is super cute and will be my man one day... hahaha...

the laughter is abbreviated to an unused acronym... lost in the clouds and pushed away by the 15mph winds outside... well i'm done... i'll make another one tomorrow or so... lates...