disclaimers, dad and the weather... let's discuss they...

first off... some drama happened because of my last post on here... look... i really don't care if anybody got mad or anything... i know that this is public and anyone could see it... but that's why i hardly ever talk about my blog in the "real" world... everything that i post here is 100% the truth... it's how i think, feel, want, everything... i have absolute nothing to hide... i am a man but before that a human being... i need somewhere to vent and let the anguish out sometimes... since i'm single i blog it... if you read it and your name comes out I DON'T CARE!!!... srsly... if you confront me on this i will say it to your face... but since i don't condone drama, i keep it to myself or on here...

now the entire story i heard reeks of suspicious behavior... all kinds of possibilities came up wile on the phone with jose... maybe i shouldn't put them on here because i'm pretty sure they are going to be read... but like i said... i don't care... let me make the epic episode short... i wrote an insult, friend read it before, "somehow" friend showed it to person i insulted... okay... all kinds of things went off in my head... why would it come up after they knew i insulted them... sigh... you know what... i'll just sum it up really quick... i think this will result in more drama... i HATE drama... that's for women... srsly... me being a man hates drama... that's why i'm gay... women are 100% drama... even if they are cool and chill, i have no tolerance for drama... fuck... it's stupid and waste everyone's breath and time...

this past weekend my dad came to visit... until late last year i didn't speak to my dad for 5 years or more... it was 100% my choice, and i had good reasons for it... it also taught him a lesson... before i would tell him my status and he would always think i was lieing... never gave me the benefit of the doubt... the worst part is that he hates liars like me... so i figured that he somehow really believes that i am a liar and hates me too... so i just stood away from him... i didn't ask about him, never saw him nothing... just cut him out of my life... until he asked for me one day saying that he wanted to apologize... so whatever... now i've been seeing him and going places with him... but it's still like whatever...

this time he came over i actually got to look at him and have a real conversation... i learned that i am just like him... from the conspiracy theories, hatred towards liars, thieves and retards... and sicknesses... i also have diabetes like him... but he doesn't know... i don't want to tell him... but now i noticed that he really old... i'm really old... i can see the silence that used to be his personality and life... his charm and grace has dulled down... he is growing old and dieing slowly... i have come to notice that i don't have much time to spend with him now... and everytime he comes to visit it's a huge risk for him... he drives more than an hour from tijuana to LA once a month... at his age and status it is a huge risk factor...

after our conversation i gave him a hug and a kiss... he told me he loves me and now i know he means it... since i can remember, he used to buy my love... i would get mad, and he would go out and buy me a new game or toy... that's just how it always was... once i hit highschool and went on a spiritual/life voyage living on the streets i changed my way of thinking... i got mad at him for buying my affection with materialistic things... things that he could just go out and buy me to make me happy... i started to hate him... he didn't love me... there was no love there... when i picked up the guitar all he did was destroy my desire to play... he threw me out... once i did leave, he begged me to come back, but i thought... fuck... he threw me out... all of my assumptions should be fact... and i left...

i advocate not to buy children's love... after realizing the trick, that love grew into hate... it is false love... now that he hugged me back and told me he loves me, all of that hate was gone... i don't know where it is... gone... now when he comes i get sad... seeing him old and brittle depresses me... was i wrong to not seeing him for all this time...? when he would come to visit and leave, would he get sad for not seeing me...? all this time did he hurt because i wasn't there to give him a hug and a kiss...? fuck... i am a terrible person for that... worst thing anyone could do... but i didn't know right...? sigh... i hope i didn't...

i have to get my passport and driver's license soon... he wants me to go drive and pick him up for his appointments... i have to do it... even though i have no drive or ambition for any of that... it has to be done... i owe him big time... but i still wish he could've been more involved in my life... but now as i'm getting older, i see why he couldn't... he was 43 when i was born... he couldn't take me to the park and play football like gabriel's dad... or teach me how to ride a bike... or drive across the county so i could play a hockey game... he was either too tired or at work... fuck... he just couldn't do any of that stuff... so he did the only thing he possibly could to make me smile...

fuck... today is a horrible day to write this post... the weather is all fucked up, and it's bumming me out... for some reason i'm very depressed... i have been for a wile now... maybe since i saw my dad... this weekend i scored a rare coral that i have never seen before... and i'm not as happy as when i got my bubblegum monster chalice or red planet acro... i should be but i'm not... my sister coyo is right here next to me watching tv with the kids... i should be enjoying these moments... but i'm not... jose wanted me to go check out some fish at a homies house and i didn't feel like it... bruce invited me to go have dinner with him and googles... yet here i am typing this shit up... i would've gone in a heart beat... googles is super cute and will be my man one day... hahaha...

the laughter is abbreviated to an unused acronym... lost in the clouds and pushed away by the 15mph winds outside... well i'm done... i'll make another one tomorrow or so... lates...

epic reef forum drama...

so yeah... like always... i was involved in some awesome drama on this forum called socalireefs... it's a pretty cool reef forums with nothing but locals... great shit... srsly... the sucky part is that jose got banned... well for being an idiot... but still... everyone else else got a warning but him... that's not fair... kim got 4 fucken warnings for the same shit... and he still hasn't gotten banned... fuck... that's an insult... just because kim has more post, or more people know him... but fuck... jose is a dedicated reefer... he has now passed me on reef keeping and his tank... he has way better equipment and corals... and that's great... i have even thought about giving up the hobby a couple of times... but now that he's that far in there's no looking back... even after his 180 exploded... hahahah...


anyways... i think javier, nick and casas talked it over on the moderator chatroom and i don't know what they're going to do, but i think they are going to lift the ban from jose... should be cool... jose put up a front, but i know he got bummed out... he wanted me to PM them and ask then why he got banned with no warning, but when i said no, he got all feelings... LOLOLOL... fag... but he's been going thru some shit i guess.. well we all have... it's been a depressing new year so far... even though i have been blessed with new toys and friends... sometimes i still feel depressed and blue...

bah... enough about that sappy bitch bullshit... today was tight... we made cesar go buy a road bike... LOL... fuck... yesterday he came over, i showed him my scraped knee and my bike then today came over to pick us up so he can go buy a road bike too... hahahha... so awesome... there goes my god complex again... somehow i make people buy shit when they don't want to or need to... fuck... i'm a fucken mental virus...

so we head out to performance bicycles in glendale... where jose and i got our bikes... and everyone knows us already... the girl that helped us is named samantha... she didn't help me with my bike... but she helped with jose's... we knicknamed her samantha swallows... lol... she's super short and white... not my type... but you know... tee hee... anyways... cesar ended up buying a fuji like mine... it's exactly like mine sans the carbon fiber frame... and he has a kick ass hallow core crank... fuck... i want that... lol... shave half a pound with that bad boy... hahahaha...

his bike came out to be... um... 650 or something... plus 10% off and yadda yadda yadda... after taxes, bike rack, bottle cages, bottles, club membership, service plan he ended up dumping a grand that minute... HAHAHHAHAHAHA... fuck... i know the feeling... i went in to buy a bike and a light and walked out of that shop with a light in hand, receipt and 1,500 dollars poorer... fuck... that shit hurt... well... let me see my receipt... i think i'm lieing... yep... fiften hundred... fuck... that's serious cash... especially for someone that isn't working at all... shit...

as i was looking for the receipt i was reminded that i can't find my refractometer... shit... i think someone stole it... fuck... when i find out who it was i'm going to fuck them up... that's not cool... how dare someone come into my house and steal from me... who the fuck does that... that shit wasn't cheap... now it's going to be a wile until i get another one... since i'm so poor right now... i think i know who it was... i must investigate further... but i recently friended this one guy that sells fish from his house... he's some mexican chap that only speaks spanish... lol... he's cool... but i just found out he's a hardcore thief... fuck... now i don't trust him...

why don't i trust him...?? lol... i hate thieves... my shit always gets stolen... fuck... always... i have to lock up my shit because our house always has company over... always... and the people that come here aren't your friendly people... especially with this retard roger living here... all of his friends are either pot heads or tweekers... he's a hardcore alcoholic himself... i fucken hate him... right now he's the only person that i truely wish he would die... fuck... life would be alot better without him... everyone's life... even his parents... hahahaha... it's true... he's just a huge waste of time, space, energy and food... one of these days i'm going to break his face in... he gets all drunk and brave... i just don't want to kick his ass wile he's drunk... i want to get him slipping when he's sober... but my patience is running thin...

fuck... i don't want to stop typing... i'm so bored... sigh... but i also got bored of blogging... i don't want to keep typing because i might get all emo and start typing about my feelings... boo hoo... maybe tomorrow... yeah... mañana for sure...


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