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Thursday, August 05, 2010

the illusions of a class clown... deception of mine...

Blades of plastic strike the air… it lies to me with its illusion of a wondrous natural wind… it fills me with an un-seeable sensation… all a lie… a gorgeous façade of a place I’ve never been… a paradise… an island with an ocean breeze before casting out… or the top of a mountain basking in the summer winds before setting up camp… the bow of a ship fallowing a pod of dolphins wile whale watching… then I open my eyes… I see the poorly made oscillating fan covered in a thick greasy blanket of filth across the room… the faint but piercing stench of marijuana smoke creeps in through the window behind me… two flies landed on the week old chocolate bar resting on the couch next to me… i stagger to the kitchen with a stale unwrapped candy… the sound of the bar falling into the trash can disturbs the silence in my home… I look down at my shoes... covered in what seems to be blood and ashes I am reminded of the night before… the pain… the suffering… the fear… the sensation of evil… the un explainable events… now knowing my strength, my avarice, my ability… it’s all still sinking in… she could’ve still been here, listening to the silence with me… wondering about my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my happiness all behind her beautiful smiling face full of life… but that can never be… it’s far too late… I let her go… i gave her a choice, gave her freedom, gave her time away and gave her death… now slowly she will be forgotten in this world piece by piece wile I stay behind to suffer her loss… I will never see you again… I will never feel you again… I will never forget you…

That is an excerpt of this book I am writing… well… have been writing… that’s probably not the best writing I have ever written… but that one paragraph took me two hours to write… wile I usually take an hour or so for an entire chapter… I don’t understand why it took me so long… and I remember it so well too… a fucken trip… for some reason, I had trouble describing how my character would react at the situation… hmm… for some reason I can describe any situation with minimal effort… but what made me react so strongly with that section of writing…? The entire scenario played out in my head in real time… maybe I had to live it a little to get it going… or maybe a part of me is sunken into that one complex scene of horror and pain…

It seems that I have fallen into another period of depression… I haven’t ridden my bike in almost two weeks… I haven’t been paying attention to any of my pets, or my family… I haven’t been taking much care of myself… I have been shutting people out… I don’t understand why… this weekend is going to be great… filled with friends, family and a pet expo… but it just doesn’t help out… it’s like, a birthday is coming up, but I know that I’m going to spend it alone with no one to congratulate me… I also realized that I am not trying to look for someone to be in a relationship like before… I just don’t make time for it anymore… now I know something is wrong…

Yesterday I was at mike’s house… he’s the only straight married man I ever fell in love with… we watched some show on MTV called “you think you know me”… it’s about a bunch of kids revealing to each other publicly their feelings and darkest secrets… I almost teared up when this gorgeous 18 year old kid named Logan spilled his guts to a group of kids he doesn’t even know… you see, he was the class clown supposedly… he had turret’s, and would make fun/talked shit of all the other kids in the school… he didn’t really break down in tears… but ended up promising the rest that he will stop and change… he even told his retarded stupid group of goobers he calls his friends that he was going to change…

I understand why he felt bad… why..? because I was that class clown… I was that shit talker in school… I was the one that had everyone laughing at anyone else’s misfortune… he said he felt bad when he went home… he had apathy for them… at the end of the day, it would eat him up inside… he felt alone and confused… he was a tortured soul… on the other hand, I don’t have apathy… I never felt bad at the end of the day… i never felt alone… nothing ate me up inside… I was just myself one hundred percent of the time… what does this make me…? Obviously, not a good kid like Logan there… it makes me a monster…. Something that I am ashamed of now… I’m a horrible person… mike said that I throw up a tough guy front… he doesn’t know me… I don’t think anyone does…

How do I have friends then..? Why do they stick around…? I always thought they kept me for their own personal entertainment… like I am some kind of exotic primate that takes people’s feelings and turns them into cheap laughs... even with tough skins, I can still breakthrough for the kill shot… no one is safe from me… I am not saying that I am funny… although, I do think I’m witty… especially online and on the forums… but in person, I can be a heartless fucker… how did I turn into this…? Was the series of events that happened in my life…? Maybe my dad was the same way when he was younger… if that is true, hopefully I will grow out of it… I’m getting tired of being known as a shit talker…

Hmm… now after writing all that up… I’m starting to realize why that paragraph up there from my book is important to me… or… what means for me… now… I doubt I knew the truth when I was writing it… for some reason, it was just hard to write… it took so much out of me… but the scene, the objects in the room… everything… it is me… It’s all me… I am the fan, sitting in the center of the room… covered in dirt, beating up the air and giving the character a false illusion to escape his worries… maybe I mask everyone’s real problems with jokes and laughs… maybe the people that keep me around do use me to make them forget the real world one laugh at a time… maybe I help them out that way…

I am the open candy bar… to me candy is now poison… it just sits on the couch next to him… that is what I have been doing now… just sitting on my couch all day and sit in front of the lap top… some days, I will sit here for hours straight, roaming forums or looking for people to talk shit too… just a big piece of poison on the couch… although a candy satisfies, it also causes harm… but I just sat there un eaten… maybe it has more meaning than that…? Hmm… I have to think about this a bit more later on…

The sound that reminds him of the realm around him… maybe that’s my cry for help… maybe, that is this blog… something loud enough to snap me out of an illusion… maybe there is hope for me… maybe the site of my mother’s eyes was that sound to slap the clown out of him…? Maybe it was my oldest sister to do it…? Maybe after I type this up I will change…? Although I have doubts that will ever happen… but the sound of the candy bar hitting the bottom of the trash can is the most important item in that paragraph… it was more important than the fan, the façade, the candy bar… but what did it start…? Fuck… it started his break down… the realization of the consequences for his actions and decisions…

What does that mean to me..? Am I finally getting eaten inside…? Is this how Logan felt every day when he got home from school…? Can I regret and have apathy to every single person that got their feelings hurt for a laugh…? Shit… I hope not… I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt… I don’t understand it… I doubt I ever will… I have never broken down… I have never shed a tear for something that I have done to someone else… I will never “feel” like I should… I will just keep on living… the monster inside of me is what i am… but what is the façade here…? What validates me as a human being then…? Maybe it’s just the fact that I am suffering now… a monster cannot enjoy life… I now look forward to an answer… a cure… a resolution… a hope for the better… I will change one day… I promise…

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