i need pills...

yeah, i said i was gonna post like twice a week at least... but i got busy... sue me... there were some amazing video game tournaments on twitch tv that i just had to watch... LOL... today i'm gonna be discussing my recent hobbies and happiness... so take a seat...

i have been talking to a therapist... not like, by appointments, but like a friend... he's helping me out until i find a real good therapist i can go and fix my brain in... he tells me that i'm depressed... LOL... i figured... feels like my kids are growing up, and i can't keep up... that's what's really fucking me up right now... but i need to get over it... this past week has been me trying to get over my "rut" and find a center where i can be a peace... right now i don't care about happiness... i get enough of that with my kids... :)

i know i sound angry... a lot of people always tell me that when they read my blog and send me hate mail... btw, i love the hate mail... LOL... makes me love blogging more... it feels weird thinking that i'm writing all of this crap up and no one is reading it... but you do read it, and give me your feedback... that's bomb... love it... makes me feel like it is alive and a working organism... i feed it letters, it gives me back hate mail... HAHAHA... anyways... i'm not angry... i don't have anger inside... i just love to argue and get my point across... plus, when i have a point that doesn't sound angry, it's just boring... why would i even blog about that...? like if i'm going to write about the awesome shoes i got in the mall the other day... who wants to read that garbage..? meow......

anyways... shrink says that i try to get happy by spending money... well, most of the depressed americans do that... that's why you see so many emo's in the malls and shit... i do it too... but i skip the makeup and razor blade scars... i think that's why i was on a comic book rampage... the trips to frank and son's made me happy... until i got home... then it was this huge depressing hole called my living room... my sister was slowly deteriorating, i was missing one kid, going to court once a month, getting visits by social workers, parenting classes, all of that was just fucking me up... then my sister's death... fuck... after she passed, i calmed down on the buying stuff... well, except for comics because they are bad ass... but on other stuff... i need to find happiness in what's real, and skip the euphoric moments like buying stupid shit...

this weekend i took a step further on my other hobby... yeah, that's right... bmx bikes... LOL... i went to what might have been the biggest BMX bike show/gathering/bbq in the world... and it was pretty WACK... HAHAHAHfjsal;kdjfkal;jfd;... it was cool seeing some rare ass bikes... just pissed me off that there were so many i wanted, and that i will never have or afford to build... HAHAHA... but, i picked up my dream bike without even knowing it... well, it's not a bike yet... i picked up a 1981 team mongoose motomag frame... just the frame... and i know it's old... it's 11 months older than me... LOL... fucken bike is 32 years old... it was made in january 1981... but it's in super good shape... anyways... that did make me happy... when i look at it, i crack a smile... yeah, that's how much i like it... even thought right now it's sitting inside a 5 gallon bucket in the living room corner... LOL... but the challenge, time and effort is what i can't wait for... right now i'm looking for a fork for it... once found, the build really starts...

okay... i know that was boring, but shit, i'm really happy about that bike build... another thing that i did was buy a huge piece of wood so i can make shit out of it... this is crucial for me right now... i'm going to make some shelves for the living room... well, one is going to be a bike rack... LOL... but the other a shelf where i can put my sister's ashes, pictures and other stuff like my dog buddha's leather studded collar... this is my motivation to get up, clean, paint and fix up my living room... maybe then i'll get out of this rut that i have going on right now... everything reminds me of my sister, or sad/dark time... even my couches... i hate everything... i need everything new again... just that money is cock blocking... i'm waiting on my taxes still... of course, i have plans for my taxes if i ever get it... LOL... first thing is a glock g22... yeah, i need a gun... then it's all going for my living room and kids rooms... i got my boys their bed and dresser, but they still need new paint and other furniture... maybe not paint... it's too late for that... i can't pull out that gigantic bed now... i'm assed out...

anyways... yesterday was bomb... i got to use my hands and build something epic... i busted out with my pro skillsaw with a fresh new blade, jigsaw with a fresh new blade, drill, and my staining brushes... i haven't built anything since i made all of my chicken coops... the gigantic wind chimes don't count since i didn't cut wood... it was just pipes and chains... i had a ton of fun and it was cool making it while my kids ran around in the front yard... now i know why my dad would always be in the back yard building shit... my dad was my age when i was born... fuck... but working with my hands and seeing the outcome made my happy... as long as i don't sit down in front of the laptop, or tv... i'm going to be alright... i hope...

fuck, i have so much shit to do... i just don't want to do it... i've been blaming it on the weather for months, but it's the storms inside my head that are keeping me from moving forward... OMG i'm gonna tweet that... there... well, i guess i should start throwing away shit and moving all of my junk to the room in the back... just for a while... until i'm done with my living room then the bikes, comic book boxes, books, guitars and other crap come back... this is a man's house anyways... right...? LOL...

good night people... i might blog tonight if i get bored... let you know what's up...