man, i'm fucken nuts...

Why are they called two way mirrors..? you can’t see thru it from the front, but you can only see in thru the back of it… that’s only one way…? That’s so stupid… I hate people that name shit dumb or wrong… like I just learned that a snap back is a hat with the adjustable scrap… fuck… those shit’s been around for years… decades… and just now they get a “cool” name… fucken people… what the hell is their problem…? Before this turns into an #dubstepisstupid post, I’m gonna change it all quick like…

On the forum some guy’s friend’s father just died… at 2am… that’s hard… the pics he showed on the thread totally messed me up… he invited me to his house to pick up a coral, but I didn’t want to go and see his friend dieing of cancer… it scared me… I can honestly that cancer terrifies me… I saw a couple of people waste away and die from it including my mother… I hate it… it terrifies me… I instantly break down if I know they have it… it’s even made me a terrible person… I was dating this one guy that had cancer in remission… once he told me, I kept my distance and stopped talking to him… why did I do that…? I guess I had to protect myself… I don’t want to go thru that whole ordeal again… if I can prevent myself from losing a loved one, I will… even if that means I won’t find happiness with that person… am I a fool..? am I selfish…? Man I don’t know… but I’ve done this twice and I don’t know what to think of myself when I think about it…

I just hope that they think I’m an asshole… that way they don’t know the truth… they don’t know that I’m scared of their disease… man that is horrible… I’m a horrible person… I hurt them more than they deserve… the second guy I was dating ended up getting diagnosed with leukemia… after that, I just stood away… I remember him writing shit on myspace like “now that I have cancer, I know who my true friends are”… fuck, that tore me up… I’m so sorry… but I can’t just tell him the truth… what am I going to say…? “I don’t want to get close to you because you have cancer and you might die…” fuck… that’s the truth… but I can’t say it… I wouldn’t know what to say…

A friend of mine told me that what I was doing is sacrificing people… part of my god complex… no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it… it’s embedded in my DNA… it can’t be fixed… I put a post on that kid’s thread… I told him that his friend needs him more than ever… and how horrible losing someone to cancer is… I probably put up too much information, but I think I needed to vent a little… I miss my mom every day… I hate the thought of forgetting her voice, face, persona that I think about her all the time… but I think it’s happening… I have a horrible memory… I forget stuff all the time… so I’m making an effort... my garden, all my plants, trees, shrubs, flowers are to remember her… I’m trying to recreate what she once accomplished… after her death, my dad tore out all of her plants… I guess they all reminded him of her… memories and terrible thoughts secretly tucked away in his conscious… it eats away at him now… I can feel it…

The way we cope is crazy… always different one person from the other… but what I did notice is that we all changed… all of us… my entire family changed once my mom passed… I was a grade A student… my dad was a distant but caring parent… my sisters all went on a rampage looking for love in the wrong places after her death… cancer kills more than people, it changes life… I wonder all the time what I would be doing if my mom didn’t die from cancer… would I have graduated high school…? Gone to a better college and become a veterinarian or psychologist like planned…? Shit totally trips me out… but I hate this… I hate what I become… this thing inside of me… that makes me praise and feed something…  to love and be loved back at my command… to create an environment totally depending on my interactions and decision… the drive to control and manipulate everything… to make things suffer at my will… to watch them die slowly and painfully… to know that I can control a life…

It scares me… I want it gone…

am i the surviving twin, or just a spawn from hell...? and i have chickens... LOL...

Yeah, I know I haven’t been doing this “blog” thingy enough… whatever… I just forget and shit… sometimes I feel like doing it with my cell phone, but WTF am I going to be doing sitting in a car or something typing up my blog… that’s pretty teh fails… well, let’s start off with what I’ve been into… you know me… I’m always changing my lifestyle or hobbies… LOL…

Well… I still have my bike… but I haven’t used it in like… months… LOL… I still have my fish tank… but I haven’t done a water change in like… months… LOL… I still have my leopard geckos… I heard them… and I’m going to to get MOAR like in… days… LOL… but the thing i gotten into lately is chickens… yeah I know… fucken weird amirite…? I never thought I would get chickens… I always said I wanted chickens, and roosters are so FTMFW but man… I have a shitload now… I just wanted one… it started off because jose got a pair… I was like, man he looks cool, but then that fucker said hold him… FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH… he was such a cool bird… so kick ass, and super tame… I fell in love… so later that week I converted my old pigeon coop into a chicken coop… it was easy… just moved the stick from the top to the middle, and got a new feeder… LOL… so I got my first bird… he’s a crele old English game bantam… so a miniature fighting rooster… he was cool but lonely… so I got him a hen… fuck… I ended up getting him like ten hens… LOL… now I have 19 chickens total… four roosters and four different breeds of chickens… I ♥ them so bad…

Let’s switch it up a bit… as some of you guys know, my sister was in emergency and got a pace maker put on… I yelled at her today about her eating… she is still trying to eat sweets and shit… she doesn’t know why I have her on such a strict diet… fuck… she was like… the doctor said I should be on a low sodium diet… so I snapped at her today… WTF does she want…? Does she still want to get fat, but hold the sodium only…? That shit doesn’t work that way… either stop getting fat, or fucken die I told her today… because that’s the thing that’s going to happen… she’s gonna die if she keeps it up… I hope she isn’t cheating… but I think I scared her enough to actually listen to me and do what I said… no one wants to be in the hospital with needles and shit in your arms… or more surgery… this was a huge life changing reality check for her… I hope she learns from this, and this isn’t one of the first of many trips to the emergency room… even though she’s stupid, she doesn’t deserve all the stuff she went thru… but all of this happened because she didn’t listen to me before… I would always tell here to get on a diet, but she never took me serious… now look at what happens when you eat EVERYTHANG!!... you die…

Oh well… the good thing is that she listens to me, and ask me before she eats anything… I’m proud of her for doing that, but still, she shouldn’t ask me if she could eat that candy or something… that just makes me pissed, and makes her look like a fat ass… LOL… if she wants to cheat, just do it… I’m not your fucken dad… but I am trying to help you out for the better… fuck, no one listens to me… it’s crazy, because I was just telling this to Javier today in the car… there are so many people that would’ve been better off doing what I told them to do… everyone… everyone I know would be happier if they listened… but no one listens to me… it’s weird… like if I’m fucken stupid… or some clueless idiot… i believe that I am smarter than most people I know… I don’t want to bust out with a number, but I am surrounded by idiots… everyone… even my neighbors are dumb… they may know how to do stuff that I don’t, but that does not make them smart… ugh… I have a scab on my eye lid and when I rub it it bleeds… WTF mate…? But anyways… they’re all dumb… I can count on one hand the people that I know who might be smarter than me… LOL… man…

But srsly… I hope my sister gets better, and on track to a better life… shit, we have kids now… if she dies, wtf am I gonna do…? I can’t get married… I’m not going to pretend to be straight and get married with a wench so she can take care of them… I’m over that bullshit… never again… but really, I can’t even imagine what I would do… I’d probably ask a friend to come live with me or something… fuck… what a mind fuck that is… and the sad part is that I wouldn’t call any of my family members to help me… why..? look at the paragraph above… all of them are idiots… wow, I do talk a lot of shit… let me start a new paragraph…


I’ve been going fishing with Javier… good guy, love him as a friend… but I talk way too much shit to him… well to anyone really… I even got into it with some stupid hippies on this chicken forum today because they were stupid… LOL… fuck, I really wish I could’ve talked a lot more shit… fuck them… but I like this forum, and I want to stick around… the chicken hobby is the same as the reptile forum… everyone is nice and polite… not like the reef tank forum… nothing but fucken haters and bitches… srsly… fuck them… fuck reef central… but yes… too much shit I spit… oh well… that’s what i do… I just feel bad for some people… like Javier… I feel like whenever he’s around me I make him feel like shit… I ask him, but he’s like, nah I’m cool… fuck that front… I want to know the truth… right…? If you don’t tell me, I’ll keep going for the kill… why…? Because I’m the devil… and he knows that…

Let me clarify that a bit for you guys… he’s been going thru a Christian drama trip… and I’ve kind of been shooting him some advice… and well, my advice is all about him… whatever I think would make him happiest and help him out the most in the end and in the now… but everything I say makes me sound like I’m some anti-god heathen… for reals… it reminded me of Sean Washington from school… he was this jehova’s witness friend of mine…we would always get into religious debates, and I would always win or make him feel stupid… but man, he would put up a good fight, so I enjoyed those arguments… anyways… one time he told me that he described me to his pastor and his friends at bible study… the pastor told him that I was the devil… LOL… and that he shouldn’t stay away from him, but that he should be careful of the advice I would give him, and not to be fooled by my false guidance… hahahah… like if I was making him walk on hot coals… whatever church brother… LOL… but shit… you don’t know how many times I have been called the devil, or evil by some people…

Did I ever make a post about my god complex, or is it in the actual book…? I think I put it in a book… well… like I told Javier today… I have a severe god complex… I like the feeling of controlling and making everything around me suffer… animals, people, friends, insects… as long as I can, I will… but I’m trying to work with that problem… but still… with people I still harvest the idea and mess with people’s minds that way… I make them buy stuff… I make them think stuff… I sway them to my liking… I contradict their human nature until I win… and I always win… I always get what I want… no matter what it is… damnit all… I am evil… what if I am the devil…? My earthly mission is to come and make everyone around me suffer… either by me telling them that they are dumb, or by making them buy something they don’t want or need… it doesn’t matter… I’ll find a way to make their life un easy… wow… I just realized that I am so freaken awesome… lol… but I have to stop doing this shit… I like my friends… even when they treat me like shit, or piss me off… I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world…