stupid faggots and their silly drama...

i wrote this on January 18, 2012... but i forgot to publish it... or i thought i did... i dunno... that was probably when my "E" key fucked up and got tired of doing stuff... whatever... it's just some drama i had with this random faggot on this gay smashing website... LOL... scope it out... 

Check out what this faggot from Beverly Hills wrote to me on this gay website… jeez… okay… well to start… I have this profile at this site… yeah, I know it’s wack or whatever, but where else am I gonna meet a gay man like me…? Fuck gay bars… fuck pride parades… bah humbug to the entire “gay scene”… so this fag from BH decides to make it his job to try to educate me on the “gay scene”… okay… on my profile I put that “not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends...” that’s exactly what it says on my profile… so then this twat named “Snugglejuggle” sends me this…

Snugglejuggle (26 mins ago) 'not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends'

All due respect, there's nothing wrong with the scene or having gay friends. Often times, gay people understand each other better having gone through great struggles and similar stories of loss and triumph. Gay people are some of the most well rounded, artistic, well spoken, compassionate people I know and I'm proud to call them friends. You seem like a great person, but it is a little unfortunate that you felt the need to claim (with pride) that you don't have gay friends...on a gay site...where you're looking to meet gay people. You almost make it sound as though being in the company of fellow gays is a sin and wrong. You may not know it or realize it, but you writing you don't have gay friends and prefer straight friends and telling gay people that (as an attempt to knock them) has a lot of internalized homophobia behind it. More often than not, a black person would not go on a black oriented social networking/dating site and say "ONLY hang out with white people and white friends. sorry, don't do black friends"...they would be called out for their ignorance, yet since it's very convenient to hate on gays, it's unfortunate to see fellow gays kicking us while we're already down. This life is too short to live it for others....be you-do you- and don't care about what others precieve you as.

All my best

Dood… srsly… shut the fuck up and learn how to write paragraphs… man… at first I thought nothing of it… I sent him a message saying “LOL” and that’s it… HAHAHAHA… fuck him… but then he sends me another two that said this…

Snugglejuggle (16 mins ago) Your dad may have raised you with 'good ol fashioned values'...but we all know what that means. Machismo homophobia. I would think as a Latino gay instead of wanting to perpetuate more latin homophobia toward our community, you'd want to shift attitudes, but instead...you're no better than the worst homophobe. The difference between them and you is...you happen to still love the dick, and have daddy issues. Before you preach about not hanging out with gays....sorry amigo....you ARE gay, on a G-A-Y ass website looking for other gays to do *gay* things with. No matter how straight ACTING (emphasis on acting) you are and how much you rim heterosexuals and the ground they walk on while looking down on gays who are well adjusted and comfortable in their skin.....you still gay. lol.

And…

Snugglejuggle (13 mins ago) you know...I actually do resent that I stooped below polite and got disrespectful. I regret that as I meant to actually open a mature, honest, respectful dialogue when I wrote you. but I don't think my words will have an impact on you today. some day you'll realize what I mean- and you'll not care what others think, but till then....our values are different. Best of luck either way

Then……. He blocks me…. WTFMOTHEFUCKENFAGGOTMOUTH from Beverly Hills… fuck dumb bitch fag had to block me… man… so I wrote to a friend to relay him a message I wrote… and this is it…

thanks for changing my life... you're a regular dr phil... HAHAHAHA...

you obviously need to learn how to read... stop putting words into my profile and go troll somewhere else... go make a commercial with wanda psykes... i do not have macho attitude or anything... i know i'm gay... i just don't party with gays... hense, not in the "gay scene"... i don't go out, drink or do anything... no parties and crap... not because i don't want to hang around gays... just because i don't do that stuff... my friends are all straight, because i do stuff other straight guys like to do...

you need to take a step  back and realize you don't know enough by just reading a profile to start talking crap... honestly... who the hell do you think you are...? i know i'm gay... do you know what you are...? jeez... if other gay people are like you, i'm glad i don't go to pride events... and if someone would tell me what you just told me in person, i would've started swinging... it would look like gay bashing... but it's just a humbling you deserve...

don't judge anyone and don't try to "educate" or preach nonsense... go troll some where else...

thx...

hahaha… damn gay troll… but srsly… who the hell does he think he is…? He was acting worse than a stupid Christian… fuck… now I know what other people think of gays… 

man, i'm fucken nuts...

Why are they called two way mirrors..? you can’t see thru it from the front, but you can only see in thru the back of it… that’s only one way…? That’s so stupid… I hate people that name shit dumb or wrong… like I just learned that a snap back is a hat with the adjustable scrap… fuck… those shit’s been around for years… decades… and just now they get a “cool” name… fucken people… what the hell is their problem…? Before this turns into an #dubstepisstupid post, I’m gonna change it all quick like…

On the forum some guy’s friend’s father just died… at 2am… that’s hard… the pics he showed on the thread totally messed me up… he invited me to his house to pick up a coral, but I didn’t want to go and see his friend dieing of cancer… it scared me… I can honestly that cancer terrifies me… I saw a couple of people waste away and die from it including my mother… I hate it… it terrifies me… I instantly break down if I know they have it… it’s even made me a terrible person… I was dating this one guy that had cancer in remission… once he told me, I kept my distance and stopped talking to him… why did I do that…? I guess I had to protect myself… I don’t want to go thru that whole ordeal again… if I can prevent myself from losing a loved one, I will… even if that means I won’t find happiness with that person… am I a fool..? am I selfish…? Man I don’t know… but I’ve done this twice and I don’t know what to think of myself when I think about it…

I just hope that they think I’m an asshole… that way they don’t know the truth… they don’t know that I’m scared of their disease… man that is horrible… I’m a horrible person… I hurt them more than they deserve… the second guy I was dating ended up getting diagnosed with leukemia… after that, I just stood away… I remember him writing shit on myspace like “now that I have cancer, I know who my true friends are”… fuck, that tore me up… I’m so sorry… but I can’t just tell him the truth… what am I going to say…? “I don’t want to get close to you because you have cancer and you might die…” fuck… that’s the truth… but I can’t say it… I wouldn’t know what to say…

A friend of mine told me that what I was doing is sacrificing people… part of my god complex… no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it… it’s embedded in my DNA… it can’t be fixed… I put a post on that kid’s thread… I told him that his friend needs him more than ever… and how horrible losing someone to cancer is… I probably put up too much information, but I think I needed to vent a little… I miss my mom every day… I hate the thought of forgetting her voice, face, persona that I think about her all the time… but I think it’s happening… I have a horrible memory… I forget stuff all the time… so I’m making an effort... my garden, all my plants, trees, shrubs, flowers are to remember her… I’m trying to recreate what she once accomplished… after her death, my dad tore out all of her plants… I guess they all reminded him of her… memories and terrible thoughts secretly tucked away in his conscious… it eats away at him now… I can feel it…

The way we cope is crazy… always different one person from the other… but what I did notice is that we all changed… all of us… my entire family changed once my mom passed… I was a grade A student… my dad was a distant but caring parent… my sisters all went on a rampage looking for love in the wrong places after her death… cancer kills more than people, it changes life… I wonder all the time what I would be doing if my mom didn’t die from cancer… would I have graduated high school…? Gone to a better college and become a veterinarian or psychologist like planned…? Shit totally trips me out… but I hate this… I hate what I become… this thing inside of me… that makes me praise and feed something…  to love and be loved back at my command… to create an environment totally depending on my interactions and decision… the drive to control and manipulate everything… to make things suffer at my will… to watch them die slowly and painfully… to know that I can control a life…

It scares me… I want it gone…

the worst thursday of my life... or maybe just a close call...

this happened too me thursday... fucken nuts...

i got an email about 9am and that woke me up... i looked at my phone and it said that the president of our local reef aquarium club daughter passed away this morning... i got out of bed and ran to the computer... fuck... she was like four months old or something... so there are a couple of threads on RC and shit... so all morning, that's all we talked about... on the forums, on the cell, text, aim everything... shit... it was horrible news and it spread like wildfire...

so anyways... since i think saturday, my right testicle started hurting... it hurt like i sat on it or hit it somehow... fuck... so whatever... monday it went away and i drove to palmdale to help a friend pick up an engine for his 61... the day after, fuck... my testicle hurt, but the pain went all the way up to my belt area... it fucken hurt pretty bad... so i talked to a couple of friends and one dude that lifts weights said it was a hernia, and it will go away eventually... so i relaxed a bit... i thought it was testicular torsion at first... FUCK!...

so today, i woke up feeling all right down there... but after i took my dump before my shower... FUCKEN AY!... man... it was horrible... also... this is kind of embarrassing and weird... but after i finished pissing, it felt like i just finished busting a nut... and it felt like i was actually nutting still... i looked down, and semen was coming out of my junk... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!...

so that shit scared me... i jumped in the shower, and i could hardly move... it hurt so damn bad... when i got out of the shower, i sat on the toilet, and couldn't get dressed... jose texted me to see how i was feeling, and i almost told him to come help me put my boxers on... yeah, that bad... fucken ay... so after i got dressed, i took another pain pill and nothing, the pain was still there... so then i asked a couple of people, and decided to go to the emergency room...

jose took me... we get there, and i'm like... you could jam if you want... but he stuck around for a while... i filled out some paper work, and asked me a ton of questions... took my stats and stuff... then i sat back down... i got called again to finish filling out the paper work since i'm not insured and crap... then i went back to the waiting room with jose and had lizard/reef chat for another long while... then i went to get an ultrasound on my balls and stuffs...

the guy was like... strip down, lay on the bed and cover yourself with this towel... i was like... okay... i didn't know he was on his way out, i just got naked all fast... LOL... so i got on the table and he handed me a towel... told me to grab my penis with the towel and hold it up towards my belly... he puts the cold jelly all over and begins... fuck... it kind of hurt... i was trying to talk to him, but he was trying to ignore me... I asked him how everything looked, but he said that he doesn’t read the pictures he just takes them… i even asked him if he could tell me the sex of the baby, and he didn't find it funny at all... jack ass...

so i suit up and head back out to the waiting room... i got there and looked for jose, but he had left... he called me because my phone didn't work once i went to through the waiting room doors... he told me he left because he doesn't have a window on the driver's side and doesn't trust the area... i said cool, and thanks for taking me... this guy is my best friend... i'm not gonna lie... i felt like crying when i told him thanks... my own sister didn't want to go with me or even take me...

he told me that they had called my name to go in to see the doctor... i go into the other room where all the nurses are... and i had a seat... while i was sitting there, they lost one young guy, and they brought in an old man that was all fucked up... man... i was there by myself, and there was so much pain and suffering around me... i got scared... i felt alone... i never felt like that before in my life... i broke down... all kinds of thoughts were going thru my head… man i felt like crying… then i went into the room, changed into one of those robe thingies, and sat in the room... the nurse came in and asked me more questions... left and said that the doctor would come in right away...

a little while later, the EMT dudes bring in this senior dude... i guess he was getting dialysis and tore out the IV on his arm and was bleeding like crazy... he kept saying that he couldn't see out of one eye... the nurse said that he had alzheimer's, some schizo, dementia, and just old... fuck.. i sat there and wondered if i was going to be the same when i get older... my dad has some schizo in him, and my memory already sucks... my diabetes is under control right now, but anything could happen... i was there with him by myself... that sucked... he was trying to cover himself with his jacket, so i gave him my blanket... i just sat there all cold and full of fear...

the doctor finally came in about 30 minutes after the nurse left... i told him everything, and he started to fondle me up... lol... i made a joke about it, and he blushed... i said that my boyfriend was going to get mad if he left some lipstick there... HAHAHA... so he poked my stomach and other parts, and i told him it freaken hurts... he asked me how i would rate my pain, and i told him 9.5... he was like... how can it be that bad and you have a smile... i was like... look at me... i have a huge tolerance for pain... i rather sit here and smile under the all the sweat than scream like a retard... LOL... he left and i was introduced to new nurse since they switched shifts... after she left, i was alone for another 20 minutes...

i layed back in the cold and tried to fall asleep... all i could think of was death... i can hear someone flatlining and them pounding them back to life... the springs in the mattress are loud... fuck... so much death and pain... it sucks... i felt alone again... then i heard a knock and i erika knocking on the window outside my room... she came to visit... she started making jokes and stuff, but i was just happy to see her... the doctor came back in and then told me that they found nothing wrong with the ultrasound or urine test... that maybe it's just a kidney stone moving along, or i pulled/strained a muscle somehow... WTF...?

he sent erika out, and i said... how could this be that... i fucken peed out sperm today... check me some more... so he gave me a different hernia test, and still said that he didn't feel it... so i made him feel what i feel, and i was like... don't you feel that...? then i realized i'm holding my robe up and telling this doctor to feel all kinds of places on my junk and i might look insane... but dude... it just didn't make sense... then he told me that when he was younger, he would get testicle pains just like mine... they never found out what it was, or why... but they just stopped after a couple of years... fuck... like if that was supposed to make me feel better...

he told me to get dressed and said he'll prescribe me some antibiotics and pain killers... just in case i get more pains or if it's an infection they haven't identified... what a waste of day... i got dressed and i turned my phone back on... i text all my friends that knew i was in emergency that i had testicular cancer and it traveled to my intestines, so the doctor gave me 6 months to live... lol... they knew i was fucking around... none of them believed me... hahaha... so my friend's sister took me home... fuck... what an experience...

on the ride home i was still in pain... i also felt cheated for some reason... i didn't get an answer... i never go to the doctors unless i can't stand the pain... and usually they tell me exactly what it is... but not this time... i guess i prepared myself for the worst... i had accepted the fact that i might have tumors or testicular cancer... i was like... if they cut one off, oh well... i'll live... or if i had a hernia, i would have to hire someone to do waterchanges on my reef tank for half a year... but now i'm just sitting here in pain with no clue what it is... i personally think the cause is some diet pills i've been taking... jose has been giving them to me... the first set of pills i remember pains every time i would ejaculate... a couple of times it came out all watery and it was the first nut... after i ran out of pills, i went back to normal... now that i'm almost done with a new bottle, it started up again... so i'm going to stop taking them ASAP!...

so now i'm here... i have been talking to a couple of my friends, and telling them everything... fuck... i freaken peed out sperm... that was the weirdest thing i have ever felt or been through... fuck... i'm tired... when i got home, i was kind of sad that my sister was just here watching the dodger game, while i was scared as fuck in an emergency room... jose and erika did more for me than my own family... fuck... i love my friends... they are my brother and sister… don't know what i'd do without them...

i got to go... if you read all that thanks for reading... i'm going to go feed my animals and probably try to sleep in my room... my life sucks so bad right now... all kinds of shit is just building up... i thought last year was going to be the worst and this one would be better but damn... i can't believe how fucked up my life gets sometimes... i feel like a failure...