my retarded neighbor and the welfare office...

i'm gonna write about yesterday and today... LOL... i laugh because it involves macoy... i'm not sure if i've blogged about him before... but anyways... he's my neighbor's nephew... lives next door too... 26 years old, and has amount to nothing... fail...

yesterday, coyo and I went to the freaken welfare office... fuck... the welfare office... no i'm not on welfare... i had to do a lot of paper work for my kids there... their names don't match their social security cards and there, so i couldn't get medical insurance... some bullshit like that... so we get there at 9am... it opens at 8... i got seen, then sat back down... two hours after i sat down these fools start texting me in the group text about a raiders game... jose doesn't want to go this time since it's his girls birthday... he went last year, that was fucked up... LOL... so he's like, nah, i'm gonna stay... so macoy was like... i thought her birthday was earlier that month... OMG, who the fuck is going to know more... her fucken boyfriend, or the lame fuck that lives next door... so that kind of got me on edge... he always says stupid shit like that... he assumes and just pisses everyone off... but i didn't say anything...

so then i say, i'll go... last year jose and I shared a room... so macoy says, "so you gonna get your own room pato?" and i was like... yes... i don't care, i'm not gonna sleep in a room packed full of men and i want to sleep on a bed, not the floor... so then he's like... why...? oh my fucken god... i just told you idiot... so then i text... "it's like talking to andre" meaning my 6 year old son... then he says... why don't you just neglect me the way you neglect him... oh fuck................... yeah, he totally said that... i don't neglect my kids... that shit got me heated... i've been in a place with nothing but low life retards for hours now, and he decides to text me that bullshit... so then i put... "you should know right...? like your dad..." his dad was a total asshole, and left his family... lol... so then he put, "abandonment is different than neglect" then i put... "don't ever talk about my parenting you mental midget... you don't know what the fuck i do... everyone else sees my struggle and shit i do... obviously you don't because you're too busy living the good life on your hard working uncle's couch... you clueless fuck..."

i'm serious... all this guy does is mooch off his uncle... fucker lives there for free, and doesn't even think about picking up the broom or anything... shit... eats all of agui's food, and uses all of their laundry soap... anyways... then he says... "all you do? oh you mean yell at them?"...; hell yeah i yell at them... they're kids... they fuck shit up... if i don't yell, they'll cut their arms off... LOL... so i put...  "you officially made it to the dumbest people i know list... you're right next to roger... because you're agui's roger..." LOL... that cracks me up... roger is like the lowest of the low lives... he knows that too... comparing him to roger must've really hurt his feelings... because then he stop texting stupid shit, and he put "truth hurts"... it doesn't hurt me at all... it just pisses me off that this guy is supposed to be a homie, yet, he always shoves his fat foot in his mouth, and we're supposed to act like it's cool..? fuck this... .then i put... "macoy, if you don't shut  your useless mouth, i'm gonna punch it shut... this is a warning... i will have no remorse if i do it in front of your family..." "you never talk about that shit retard... i never made fun of your retarded eyes, useless upbringing, your dad or about you being a leech... if getting your teeth punched out helps you get a clue, i'd gladly do it..."

then i waited a while and he didn't reply... so i put "TAN TAN!..." lol... that's the end of all mexican songs... tan tan... my dad used to say that after he would give us a lecture or talk shit to us to be a clown... but we never laughed and nether did he... he was crazy like that... so anyways... he put... "tan tan-if you think you can" LOL... then i said, "fuck off and die fat and alone..." then he replied "same to you" LOL... i laugh... like if i'm scared of him... i've fought with way bigger fools than him... he might have 80 pounds on me and about 10 inches taller... i'll still kick his face in... and he knows that... my phone died at the welfare office... the fucken welfare office... fuck... anyways... my phone dies... i sent coyo to go to my phone and charge it for a while... i had to call someone to pick up my kids... i was stuck there... so we got our neighbor christy... i was sweating it big time... fuck, i felt like just jamming to go pick them up myself, but i had to be there...

hours passed, i got a text from macoy... a direct text from this bitch... he put... "i want to apologize for my rudeness. i overreacted and spoke with anger. i should've kept my opinions to myself, with that said i apologize again. please watch what you say next time and i wil do the same. no matter who started it lets keep the peace" so i responded the manliest way i could think of... "FUCK YOU!..." he replies with "your loss"... LOL... really...? what the fuck am i gonna lose...? seriously... at that time, i had already talked to jose over the phone and javier... i told them that i was going to punch this retard in the face... i'm tired of his ridiculous attitude... maybe it will help him out... snap him into reality... i was even picturing how i was going to punch him... coyo even noticed that i was thinking about it, because i was frowning in anger... LOL... i would talk like normal, turn around and my forehead would wrinkle up all mad... HAHAHA... i couldn't control it... it was hilarious...

so then i took a screen shot of the apology and me cussing him out and send it to the rest of the guys for a laugh... then jose kept telling him to apologize to jose and javier... i don't know why... LOL.... it was funny... macoy says to them... "i already apologized to gumbii, if he's all mad still, that's his problem" fuck... so i had to write something about that... because one, i'm not mad, i'm HEATED UP!!!... i even announced it on twitter saying that i was going to punch him in the chin... okay, so hours passed and i finally got home at 4.30... fuck... from 9am to 4.30 in the afternoon... AT THE FUCKEN WELFARE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!... jeez... i get home, and i look at my phone... all kinds of stuff was being said, but i just glanced through it... macoy is usually outside at that time, but he was inside his house hiding... what a fag...

so then i texted the group this... "i never apologize... i mean everything i say, even when i'm kidding... i have no regrets for anything i say or do... i am a man of his word, so i never have to take anything back... an apology is nothing but an admittance of weakness... i am an adult... i think before i say anything... i take consideration for others feelings, and i expect other adults to do the same thing.. if needed to i will defend myself, no matter what form of communication, be it text, online, phone call or face to face i will defend myself... i just spent 7 and a half hours in an office full of fuck ups just to fix matthew's paperwork, and i have to go again tuesday... if i wasn't so spent, i would've called out the kid... that's another thing... i'm done with macoy... every other text from him is just garbage that gets me mad... he's a huge waste for me... i'm done thinking him as a little kid and will now on treat him like an adult... even though we all know the truth... he obviously knows nothing about a real family and said what he said..." that was one text... fuck, the biggest text i've ever sent...

here's the other text... "i got rid of roger, then tony, i can do the same for him... his ignorance knows no bounds... at some point it has to be his fault, so i'm not blaming his parents anymore... i taught pietro how to roll over in one day, but i can't make this guy grab a fucken clue... just like jose and agui, i'm giving up on him..." and that's that... he hasn't text anyone after them two text messages... i think i got my point across... maybe he learned his lesson...? i really doubt it, but we'll see... fuck... i don't know why i said what i said, but i think it was because i was at THE WELFARE OFFICE!!!!... fuck... i'm still pissed that i have to go back tuesday... jeez... oh well... shit i have to go through for my kids right... sigh... well life goes on... everyday is a battle...

on a lighter side... i met someone... i really like this guy... so my day yesterday was fucked up, but the evening wasn't... it was quite nice... then today i went ot court for that traffic thing, and the judge dismissed my case... fucken awesome... i was also the first case of the day... i ran out of the court house and made it to ariana's (my daughter's) graduation thingy... i thought i was going to miss it.... and i'm glad i didn't... i think today's gonna be a good day... gotta go tend to my garden... thanks for reading...

taking the garbage to the curb baby...

sunday, may 26 2013

yeah, i know it's been a long ass time... and i know that i always say that i'm going to do it again and i don't... so what... sue me... lol... it's jsut that i always have shit to do... right now i don't go to forums and well, i ain't doing anything else... LOL... okay, this time for reals...

i want to start off saying that i wish a ton of love and luck to my boy james... everyone send good vibes his way... even though you don't know him... just say to youself... "good luck james, everything is going to get better soon" thank you...

first of all... i'm going to vent this shit that i have been holding back for like ever... lol... i hate faggots... fuck... i hate being gay... this fucken sucks ass... i can't find a decent guy... i can't find a man that calls himself to be a man and that turns out to be a man... i always meet guys that are masculine, but when it comes down to it, are huge fucken bitches... fuck... why do they have to pleague my life with drama...? why..?¿ do they just need to cause drama and conflict..? that's so fucken stupid... i don't know if i want to get into the details... i probably shouldn't because there might be a faggot that goes onto my blog just to see if i talk about this other dude... fuck... what a pathetic piece of human garbage...

you wanna know what the best part is...? that both of you guys will be out of my life for now on... i don't have to hear or see any of you... you guys can have eachother, and live with your black eyes and busted up faces... that's the only way you guys are ever going to be happy... go ahead and live in chaos... i'm over it... i have my kids, and my own bull shit to stress over... and if that little bitch wants to come cause trouble with me... fuck... look... i don't get violent to hurt something... i get violent to destroy... that's the only purpose to fight... to destroy... i'm not gonna stop until you stop moving... i've done it before, and i'm not afraid to do it again... i will do whatever it takes to defend myself and my family... i will not hold back or have any remorse for what will happen to you... i already have 666 and the bapheomet seal of satan permanently on my chest... what's another sin... i'm going to hell anyways...

another thing i want to talk about... i'm on this app on my phone to find other fags... i'm looking for guys to date, but everyone here just wants to suck my dick... do they realy think i'm going to let some random ass stranger put their teeth around my dick...? fuck you... lol.. anyways... hold on, let me look at my phone... i'm gonna talk shit about some dumb fuck's messages... fuck, he pissed me off... hold on... okay i finally found it... fuck, i wish i could cut and past it here... but i can't... so let me just set it up and quote shit on here... this black guy hits me up... i'm cool talking to black guys, but i'm not doing to fool around, date or anything else with them... not racist, it just doesn't work for me... same goes for asian or namaste indian guys... i don't know what to call them... LOL... anyways... the conversation started out like this...

him... "hey cutie pie" me "yo..." him... "man your bald head really turns me on, i bet it's baby smooth and i won't be able to get my hands off of you" (omg that's so super cheezy... what fag is going to fall for that shit..???? me "i have a ton of hair right now... and thx i guess... " him "no problem, how you doing today?" me "i'm cool, helping my kids with their homework..." (i always throw my kids in the conversation when i'm talking to some fool i don't want to talk to anymore... LOL...) him "have you ever been with a blk man before?" oh fuck... that question... so i said... "i've never been with a black man before, they aren't really my type..." then he said... "well, i guess this conversation is over since you're racist and very prejudice, i really don't like to people who they are better then other people in different races... what ever to" and that's it... i'm gonna start another paragraph...

what the fuck..??? seriously... what the fuck did i say that made me racist and prejudice...? i said black guys aren't my type... and that's it... fuck you for calling me a racist... i'm fucken mexican... you guys have a shitload of tv shows and networks dedicated to  your horrible lifestyle, and mexicans only got networks and shows that show in mexico... we don't get treated the same as you guys do in this country... i'm the minority here not you... how the fuck could i be reverse racist on your black ass...? how... fuck you're so damn stupid... so i said... "i'm not a racist or anything... it's just that i don't get turned on or anything by black or asian men... i'm a mexican that goes after white men... i hear them say it to me all the time, and it doesn't stop me from trying to be their friend... but some people just can't tolerate it..." then he throws this at me... "but arestill prejudice... so it nothing else need to says... i really don't like to talk to ignorant people like that... so this conversation is over" oh fuck... i need to start another paragraph for this one...

fuck you asshole for calling me ignorant... i gave you a legitimate explaination and reason, but obviously your stupid ass can't understand english... fuck... and he's calling me ignorant...? look at this fucken retard here... i take the word ignorant like a real insult... i am not ignorant... this is what i replied to him... "LOL... that's like you getting mad for me not being attracted to a woman... you see how stupid that sounds...? some of my straight friends like skinny chicks, other's like fat chicks... does that make them prejudice...? no... you're freken retarded... don't call me ignorant... i know english and i know how to comprehend it... you obviously don't... so fuck you and die you dumb fuck..." and i blocked him... that's right... i get the last word all the time... LOL... i'm such an asshole... but i'm not an ignorant prejudice racist gay... that's for sure... hahahaha... anyways...

don't go around getting all upset over what goes on in the internetz... it's not real... how can someone get all mad over a tiny comment that someone made on the internet... today i wrote "perhaps" on instagram, and all hell broke loose... did i mean it..? no... was i playing...? yes i was... but what happened happened... i don't care enought to fix it... i'm a man... you want to know how a man deals with bullshit...? a man does two things... he either fixes it, or if it's broken, throws it away... i'm not going to fix that drama... so i rather throw it in the garbage where it belongs... i'm done her... i'll try to blog at least every other day... if not every day... i'm talking to a lot of fags right now, so you know i'll need to vent some shit...

thank you guys for reading, i love you all...

recent update, and some gay rantings...

so I’m sitting on the third floor in children’s court… again… probably the twelfth time within twelve months… this has become the story of my life… I don’t say our life anymore since I have been coming by myself already four court dates… nena was either too tired, or in the hospital, and now… just not with us… so this battle is really all mine… I’m fine with that… I’m the one that has always battled it out… although, I haven’t really been fighting since nena passed and my life is slowly crumbling down over my head…  sound dramatic, but that’s exactly what’s been going on… I kinda don’t want to get into details… I actually wanted to talk about a conversation I had with this cute guy I went out with yesterday… but I guess you guys deserve a quick detailed update on my life and situations…

okay… so my sister nena passed away… um… my dad’s new wife is suffering and slowly dying of some sort of cancerous ulcer… that really sucks since my mother died slowly and painfully from cancer as well… so, I know he’s going thru some nasty shit… I feel bad for the old man… um… my quadriplegic sister got the boot from the house she was living at… that pissed me off more than bummed me out… drove me totally nuts… how the fuck can some super Christian ass bitch do that to a person that can’t move a single limb on her body… that’s so typical of them… stupid hypocrites… I hate them so much with a passion… I hope god does exist… just so those types of people get punished for their travesties… oh… I put my 11 year old pit bull Buddha to sleep… it wasn’t as hard as it sounds… to me, he was just a dog… my dog… a piece of property… I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it… that, and I got two new dogs, pietro and bucky… then recently, the finance company found out that nena passed away… so they are repossessing my van… I only owe six grand on that sucker… I offered to pay it off cash, but they just don’t want to give me that option… they just want to keep all of the money I gave them, and resell the van for 23k again… fuck that… I’m giving it back to them totaled… take that assholes… and that’s about it… I’m at court… tada… LOL..

anyways… I went out with this guy last yesterday… I didn’t know if it was a date, but we went to dinner… was very stupid on my part, since I took him to frank and sons first… hahasldkfjalkdfja;lksdfjaskld;fj… so he saw me totally geek out over marvel vs Capcom 3 and saw me drop 50 bucks on comic books… I know it’s sounds bad, but I didn’t get my comic books last week… so it was two weeks of comics that I had to pick up… the failure… I’m not going to do that again… 50 bucks hurt me… 25 doesn’t… anyways… this guy’s super cool… I dunno if he’s down to boyfriend me… I think I’m way too masculine for him… that, and he says that he’s terrified of my chest tattoo… he’s one of those… but I’m cool with it… he’ll make a cool gay friend… hey, I don’t have any gay friends, so WTF’s up with that face…? Anywho… after I was dropping him off, I was saying how it sucks being gay… okay, I know, I know… there’s a lot of sucking for the gays… but srsly… it’s not easy being gay… especially since I was “straight” for so many years…it’s like… I’m the only gay that feels this way… it’s a trip… and let me explain it to you…

all through high school I had different girlfriends… I had to… I already stood out… so, I had to learn how to pick up on girls… I was good at it… not because I was so good looking… because I’m so damn ugly…but it was I wasn’t scared of rejection, and I knew what to say… I guess I had game… but I had to learn all that shit… I had to go through a ton of rejection… every time I went up to a girl it was hard, but I still did it… I even had to do it for my friends… all of my friends were fags when it came to picking up on girls… like, if it was the worst and hardest thing to do for them… so stupid… doesn’t make any sense to me… how the hell do you think you’re going to find someone walking around with your tail between your legs…? And girls can see that… everyone can see that… freaken idiots… anyways… it was an art I had to master, or else I would be exiled by my friends… it wasn’t that bad… although, high school girls are stupid… I had to put up with those dumb annoying bitches…

so now… say I’m at the home depot… I see some super sexy guy, and I really like him, and he’s all alone with no wedding ring on his hand… all I can do is just look at him, bite my tongue and walk away in disappointment… why you ask…? Well, I can’t just ask some random guy out… he’ll kick my ass… there’s a huge possibility that he is not gay… so, I’m pretty much assed out… all of those years learning how to introduce myself, learning how to read people’s body language and courage I had to earn to walk up to a random stranger for nothing… that shit sucks… I hate it… being gay sucks… the only way I can find someone is either online or at some kind of gay function like a bar, parade, party, or event… that totally fucks my odds up… I don’t go to any gay functions… I have no gay friends… and I don’t drink/party at all… I’m over that shit… why the hell do I need to go where there are a bunch of drunken fags and queens to find me a real man..?

shit’s crazy… although I have had a couple of mans… I had a shit ton of girlfriends before them… that’s not cool… some jacked up odds… I’m a gay man… I should have more gay man partners than biatches… right…? Sigh… oh well… I’m totally screwed…  crazy right…? but I’m tired of that… I’m a bitter old man already… i should be with a bitter old man too… well… right now I’m in no place to date... I’m a single parent, with no car now… I got to get my life straight… I just wish I had someone there to talk to and yell at when I need too… man, I really need to yell and punch someone…

well… it’s 12 noon… the court completely closed down and went to lunch… FUCK!... I’m starving, but I don’t want to pay 10 bucks for food in the cafeteria… I am freaken starving… oh, and another update… I fixed my keyboard… I got a completely new one… now my laptop looks so pimp with its silver keyboard... this one feels better too… the black plastic one got all scratched up and dented from the constant beatings/stabbings from my sharp fingernails… I just figured out why my nails are always sharp and pointy… it’s the angle they hit my keyboard… crazy how shit works sometimes…I guess it’s time I publish this and start catching up on my comic books… I haven’t read any in a couple of weeks… whatever happens today, I’ll blog up a quick update… okay, I’m done for now… please comment and tell your friends about my blog… that’s if you actually read it… if you didn’t, fuck you… and if you don’t… fuck you too…

stupid faggots and their silly drama...

i wrote this on January 18, 2012... but i forgot to publish it... or i thought i did... i dunno... that was probably when my "E" key fucked up and got tired of doing stuff... whatever... it's just some drama i had with this random faggot on this gay smashing website... LOL... scope it out... 

Check out what this faggot from Beverly Hills wrote to me on this gay website… jeez… okay… well to start… I have this profile at this site… yeah, I know it’s wack or whatever, but where else am I gonna meet a gay man like me…? Fuck gay bars… fuck pride parades… bah humbug to the entire “gay scene”… so this fag from BH decides to make it his job to try to educate me on the “gay scene”… okay… on my profile I put that “not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends...” that’s exactly what it says on my profile… so then this twat named “Snugglejuggle” sends me this…

Snugglejuggle (26 mins ago) 'not into the "scene"... i'm out, but i only have straight friends'

All due respect, there's nothing wrong with the scene or having gay friends. Often times, gay people understand each other better having gone through great struggles and similar stories of loss and triumph. Gay people are some of the most well rounded, artistic, well spoken, compassionate people I know and I'm proud to call them friends. You seem like a great person, but it is a little unfortunate that you felt the need to claim (with pride) that you don't have gay friends...on a gay site...where you're looking to meet gay people. You almost make it sound as though being in the company of fellow gays is a sin and wrong. You may not know it or realize it, but you writing you don't have gay friends and prefer straight friends and telling gay people that (as an attempt to knock them) has a lot of internalized homophobia behind it. More often than not, a black person would not go on a black oriented social networking/dating site and say "ONLY hang out with white people and white friends. sorry, don't do black friends"...they would be called out for their ignorance, yet since it's very convenient to hate on gays, it's unfortunate to see fellow gays kicking us while we're already down. This life is too short to live it for others....be you-do you- and don't care about what others precieve you as.

All my best

Dood… srsly… shut the fuck up and learn how to write paragraphs… man… at first I thought nothing of it… I sent him a message saying “LOL” and that’s it… HAHAHAHA… fuck him… but then he sends me another two that said this…

Snugglejuggle (16 mins ago) Your dad may have raised you with 'good ol fashioned values'...but we all know what that means. Machismo homophobia. I would think as a Latino gay instead of wanting to perpetuate more latin homophobia toward our community, you'd want to shift attitudes, but instead...you're no better than the worst homophobe. The difference between them and you is...you happen to still love the dick, and have daddy issues. Before you preach about not hanging out with gays....sorry amigo....you ARE gay, on a G-A-Y ass website looking for other gays to do *gay* things with. No matter how straight ACTING (emphasis on acting) you are and how much you rim heterosexuals and the ground they walk on while looking down on gays who are well adjusted and comfortable in their skin.....you still gay. lol.

And…

Snugglejuggle (13 mins ago) you know...I actually do resent that I stooped below polite and got disrespectful. I regret that as I meant to actually open a mature, honest, respectful dialogue when I wrote you. but I don't think my words will have an impact on you today. some day you'll realize what I mean- and you'll not care what others think, but till then....our values are different. Best of luck either way

Then……. He blocks me…. WTFMOTHEFUCKENFAGGOTMOUTH from Beverly Hills… fuck dumb bitch fag had to block me… man… so I wrote to a friend to relay him a message I wrote… and this is it…

thanks for changing my life... you're a regular dr phil... HAHAHAHA...

you obviously need to learn how to read... stop putting words into my profile and go troll somewhere else... go make a commercial with wanda psykes... i do not have macho attitude or anything... i know i'm gay... i just don't party with gays... hense, not in the "gay scene"... i don't go out, drink or do anything... no parties and crap... not because i don't want to hang around gays... just because i don't do that stuff... my friends are all straight, because i do stuff other straight guys like to do...

you need to take a step  back and realize you don't know enough by just reading a profile to start talking crap... honestly... who the hell do you think you are...? i know i'm gay... do you know what you are...? jeez... if other gay people are like you, i'm glad i don't go to pride events... and if someone would tell me what you just told me in person, i would've started swinging... it would look like gay bashing... but it's just a humbling you deserve...

don't judge anyone and don't try to "educate" or preach nonsense... go troll some where else...

thx...

hahaha… damn gay troll… but srsly… who the hell does he think he is…? He was acting worse than a stupid Christian… fuck… now I know what other people think of gays… 

man, i'm fucken nuts...

Why are they called two way mirrors..? you can’t see thru it from the front, but you can only see in thru the back of it… that’s only one way…? That’s so stupid… I hate people that name shit dumb or wrong… like I just learned that a snap back is a hat with the adjustable scrap… fuck… those shit’s been around for years… decades… and just now they get a “cool” name… fucken people… what the hell is their problem…? Before this turns into an #dubstepisstupid post, I’m gonna change it all quick like…

On the forum some guy’s friend’s father just died… at 2am… that’s hard… the pics he showed on the thread totally messed me up… he invited me to his house to pick up a coral, but I didn’t want to go and see his friend dieing of cancer… it scared me… I can honestly that cancer terrifies me… I saw a couple of people waste away and die from it including my mother… I hate it… it terrifies me… I instantly break down if I know they have it… it’s even made me a terrible person… I was dating this one guy that had cancer in remission… once he told me, I kept my distance and stopped talking to him… why did I do that…? I guess I had to protect myself… I don’t want to go thru that whole ordeal again… if I can prevent myself from losing a loved one, I will… even if that means I won’t find happiness with that person… am I a fool..? am I selfish…? Man I don’t know… but I’ve done this twice and I don’t know what to think of myself when I think about it…

I just hope that they think I’m an asshole… that way they don’t know the truth… they don’t know that I’m scared of their disease… man that is horrible… I’m a horrible person… I hurt them more than they deserve… the second guy I was dating ended up getting diagnosed with leukemia… after that, I just stood away… I remember him writing shit on myspace like “now that I have cancer, I know who my true friends are”… fuck, that tore me up… I’m so sorry… but I can’t just tell him the truth… what am I going to say…? “I don’t want to get close to you because you have cancer and you might die…” fuck… that’s the truth… but I can’t say it… I wouldn’t know what to say…

A friend of mine told me that what I was doing is sacrificing people… part of my god complex… no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it… it’s embedded in my DNA… it can’t be fixed… I put a post on that kid’s thread… I told him that his friend needs him more than ever… and how horrible losing someone to cancer is… I probably put up too much information, but I think I needed to vent a little… I miss my mom every day… I hate the thought of forgetting her voice, face, persona that I think about her all the time… but I think it’s happening… I have a horrible memory… I forget stuff all the time… so I’m making an effort... my garden, all my plants, trees, shrubs, flowers are to remember her… I’m trying to recreate what she once accomplished… after her death, my dad tore out all of her plants… I guess they all reminded him of her… memories and terrible thoughts secretly tucked away in his conscious… it eats away at him now… I can feel it…

The way we cope is crazy… always different one person from the other… but what I did notice is that we all changed… all of us… my entire family changed once my mom passed… I was a grade A student… my dad was a distant but caring parent… my sisters all went on a rampage looking for love in the wrong places after her death… cancer kills more than people, it changes life… I wonder all the time what I would be doing if my mom didn’t die from cancer… would I have graduated high school…? Gone to a better college and become a veterinarian or psychologist like planned…? Shit totally trips me out… but I hate this… I hate what I become… this thing inside of me… that makes me praise and feed something…  to love and be loved back at my command… to create an environment totally depending on my interactions and decision… the drive to control and manipulate everything… to make things suffer at my will… to watch them die slowly and painfully… to know that I can control a life…

It scares me… I want it gone…

sadness and sorrow is all i feel...

October 25, 2011

Today might be one of the worst days of my life… I haven’t felt this bad since my mother died from cancer… and it’s going to be like this all week…

I haven’t moved from the couch since 5pm… I’m just waiting for a phone call from someone telling us what time and where we can see our kids… today, they were taken away from us… a police officer came today, talked to us, then left… told us that we have nothing to worry about… minutes later a social worker came over… told us that the school reported us… again… no biggie… but this time, he did have a bruise on his cheek from when he fell and hit himself on his bed… we told them, and we told the teacher about it too… but I guess they just didn’t care about the notes we sent with him, and still reported us…

Then the social worker talked to all three kids by themselves… then she left… stood in her car for about 30 minutes talking on the phone… then walked back in and said that she’s going to take them… fuck… it was a huge shock for me and nena… but it felt like a joke a bit… I laughed and started talking shit like always… then someone else came and told nena to start packing up their bags… fuck… matthew kind of felt something, and he jumped behind me and started hugging me… I couldn’t do anything about it…I told them that we don’t hit our kids, and that all of these papers say that he does self-inflicting injuries all of the time… but they don’t care… after that I just sat here… gave them all a kiss, and they left not knowing that they aren’t going to come home tonight…

Right now it’s killing me… knowing that they left all happy thinking they were just going with these nice people… they took their favorite toys, clothes and homework… I don’t even know if they ate anything… I was just about to make them something to eat… i was on the floor coloring with matthew when the social worker came… right now the color pencils are at my feet… when they were walking the kids out, I text jose… “they’re taking the kids…” and he came right away… I feel bad for him because, I couldn’t talk anymore… I just sat here… he was talking with nena and desiree, but I just shut down… haven’t really spoken to anyone… I just ate right now… but I can’t stop crying… I don’t know what to do… I’m just waiting for a stupid phone call… they should’ve called by now… no one has come to my house for hours… I don’t know if it’s a good thing…

For some reason I woke up with a feeling that something bad was going to happen… earlier when I was taking ariana to her preschool, I tweeted “I Have a feeling that today is going to be one of those emo days for me... remembering me mom before I forget her forever... “ for no reason… now it makes me wonder… maybe I knew something tragic was going to happen… but why..? maybe my mother was trying to warn me…?? Nah, I don’t believe in that shit… but still, it’s tripping me out… man, I just realized that they took the kids away 3 hours ago… and it feels like it was forever ago… time slowed down so much… all I can do is sit here and think about them… I can’t stop… bill has been texting me, but to be honest, I don’t feel like talking to friends… I don’t know what to do… I just posted on the chicken forum that I might get rid of all of my chickens and animals…

This Friday we’re going to court… there we will find out what is going to happen with us and the kids… we can either get them back, or permanently get them taken away… if I don’t get them back, I don’t know what is going to happen… I feel like giving up on everything and everyone and just leaving to another state or something… start an entire new life somewhere else… I have done it before… well, kind of… last time I left, I was sleeping under park benches and freeway overpasses with other homeless bums… today is the first time I have ever felt like a failure.. although I know I didn’t… I tried my hardest… I did whatever I could… these are not my biological kids from my own seed… but they are my kids… I love them and treated them as good as I could… I really want them back… I already miss them, and can’t believe they’re gone…

And don’t worry people… I’m not gonna go kill myself… I’m not that stupid… and if I do, and you know me, you will get a phone call when I do… seriously… I have a death list in my room inside a brown envelope labeled “for jose, please read” that has numbers, emails, contacts, forums, profiles, websites, passwords with detailed directions on what to do.. I’m not suicidal… but you never know what could happen… I know way to many people and when I die, I want to have a HUGE funeral… just like my mother’s…

Well, I have to go…. I have to sit and think about what I’m going to do… I’ll post another blog Friday after the court hearing… wish me luck, and thanks for reading… it means a lot to me…

yes... i am a jerk... i hate everything... get over it...

Why am I such a jerk…? Fuck… how do I still have friends if all I do is talk shit… well to them it’s talking shit, but I’m really trying to help them out… also, I really hate religious fucks… LOL…

After Javier left, I got into a pretty big fight with my sister nena… I saw her letting this lady (I hate I hope she dies) drive her new van… fuck… why the hell is she letting that goblin faced biatch drive it…? She can drive perfectly fine herself…. Those people don’t have anything nice… not one thing that is considered nice to have… they’re on welfare, talk shit about people behind their backs, and all of her daughters and sons are useless pieces of shit… one of them called my house the other day… she had just had her baby, and it got taken away because she had drugs in her system… she told my sister to get a hold of her mother, and to pick the baby up if they could… supposedly she was staying at this recovery home here in bell gardens… bull fucken shit… I saw her at pepper’s house with sneaky and other gangsters… why else would she be doing there if she wasn’t getting high…? Maybe prostituting some more…

One time her sister told me that they didn’t have any bread, so she got up, announced that she was going to go sell herself really quick to buy stuff to make sammiches… fuck… even her little girl heard that… how the hell does a person do that…? Fuck… why is that person living in the same house as me and my kids…? Why isn’t she locked up in a cage somewhere…? Stupid society… hate that shit… she always has money in her pocket because of this society allows her to roam the streets… man… when I become president, I will put an end to all of this stupidity… so anyways… the mom and sisters hit up the social worker to see what she could do, turns out that a week before, that girl called the social worker on her mom, saying that she’s doing drugs and treating the kids wrong so she could get the kids taken away… fuck… now they are mad at her, and don’t want to go pick up the little girl… BTW, she named her cayla… yep… with a fucken C… how the fuck do the hospitals allow people to name some kids… I would’ve been talking shit to her and tell her how it’s supposed to be spelled… she named her that because the recovery home she’s at is called kayla’s house… and she named her after the recovery home… THEN WHY DIDN’T SHE SPELL IT WITH A K!!!???... omg…

So now the little girl is going to go to a foster parent… that sucks… it’s not the little girl’s fault… she didn’t ask to be born… why punish her…? People are fucked up in the head… I can’t believe my sister let this lady that is punishing a 2 day old child drive the van… fuck, I hope this lady suffers how she’s made so many people suffer… she used to tell everyone to call her mom… so I used to call her mom after a while… until the day came she called the police on me because I was hanging out with her son in law that just got into a fight with her daughter, and wrecked the windows of his own car… HIS OWN CAR!!!... fuck… so the police had me on the cold ass floor… I was so pissed… ever since then she’s a common piece of garbage to me… nothing but drama… nothing but bullshit… nothing but chaos… one day, chaos will destroy that family, and I want to be as far away as possible from them… chaos spreads, and has a way of spreading onto others…

Sigh…

Well, here’s some other bullshit that I just wrote up for a stupid response about having illegal chickens… I own illegal chickens… I’m only allowed to have two hens, and right now… I have 38 chicks/hens/roosters… that’s a lot of chickens… LOL… so they made a thread named “who owns illegal chickens?” and out of nowhere, some jack ass bible thumper put this garbage on the site…

Quote SpeedysBigRedHow many of the posters on this thread who have admitted to keeping illegal chickens, and bragging about it, have children? How many believe they are religious? How many support our troops, honor the flag, and believe in the laws of the land - and teach that belief to children? How many believe that the laws are not for you, or that maybe you're just bending the law? Regardless of the justification you use to circumvent a law, as long as that law is on the books - it is the law! If you want to change the law, do it legally, (And, yes, it takes time and might never happen) but until then don't flaunt the law just because you don't believe it pertains to you.

Fuck… that shit pissed me off… I can’t talk a lot of shit on this forum because I like this forum… it’s called backyardchickens… LOL… they’re nice and full of knowledge… so I held my tongue a bit and wrote this…

wow...


i am not religious... i do not believe in god, as a matter of fact, i used to go to the church of satan and read the books by anton zander levey... i have facial piercings and my ears have huge 1 1/8th holes in them... i have pentagrams tattoo'd on my shoulders and a huge one on my chest with "666"... i was in gangs, i'm a high school drop out, and have gone to jail... oh, and i'm gay...

LOL, man i sound like a horrible person... jeez...

after all of that stuff... i have my AA as a chrysler auto tech, my BA in english and philosophy, own a house, adopted three of my sister's children because she was in drugs and in and out of jail, when a friend has no where to go (homeless) they know to come to my house, i will never say "no" to someone that needs food or shelter, i will go far out of my way to help someone i just met and i have never done drugs and also stopped drinking period 3 years ago...

i think i'm a good person... i wish to believe everyone on this forum is a good person... so the way i see your post, especially the thing about me not being religious, is somewhat offensive... because i don't believe in your god, i'm a bad person..? just because i have 38 illegal chickens and i can only have 2 hens in my city, that makes me a bad person as someone that hates this country...? are you saying that i automatically hate my country because i'm not like you...? it's people that think that way why this country is so backwards and evolving backwards in the human race... yes, i said that... i'm not hurting anyone...

i only have two neighbors... one neighbor has roosters too, and the other one gets eggs and loves my birds... i think i'm going to help him build a coop soon... two months ago the city came to my neighbor/best friend (2 houses down) and told him to get rid of all of his roosters, quails (bob white and cortunix) and just keep two hens... so we hid them... i guess it's because the coop was visible from the street... so he got it signed off, and we moved them to the back... i know he knows we all have chickens, but he doesn't say anything anymore... i guess it was more of a visual thing..? but anyways... the law is dumb, even the code inspector thought it was dumb... we have OEGB's and they are way quieter than the other neighbor's std game birds...

but like everyone said before me... it's a dumb law, and even the people enforcing it know it's dumb... the city next to mine (literately behind my house) can have chickens and over 200 pigeons, poultry and fowl... the houses look the same, streets are the same, it's retarded... and i can't fight it because my small town has a lot of illegal chicken owners that have been breeding/propagating chickens for years... so they told me, if it ain't broke, why fix it..? i understood completely...




also... please don't judge someone because they aren't religious... you do not know why they aren't religious, or how, so why would you throw stones...? is that what jesus would do...? people like me do get offended when people thump the bibles in our face, cast us aside, and say we're sinners... the funny thing is that we 100% always turn the other cheek... not because that is jesus like, but it's tolerant, and the thing to do...




peace, love, and happy hatching...

what I really wanted to write was FUCK YOUU!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF YOU!!!!!!!!!... seriously… I’m so tired of being labeled a bad person because of my tattoo’s, views, beliefs, and my sexual orientation… I’m sure there are thousands of people that feel the same way… what ever happened to tolerance…? Seems like there isn’t a chapter about if in the bible… these people swear they are perfect and kind… nothing but two faced hypocrites if you ask me… every devote Christian family I know is jacked up… they spend the entire weekend listening to some ex con, sit next to drug users, thieves, criminals and sing retarded songs just so other people could think they are good people… while at home, their kids are doing drugs, lacking attention/love and are total failures… it never fails… it’s like it’s part of their religion… srsly… how do these people live with themselves…? How can they go around torturing their children and setting them up for nothing but failure…? Fuck… it’s a jacked up cycle… their kids get raised wrong, become criminals or retards, find god, become Christians, then do the same to their kids… it must be stopped…

why can’t people just break the cycle…? If I’m in a cult like Christianity, and everyone around me has jacked up kids, I am NOT going to do what they do to their kids… raising kids is so damn easy… even mentally challenged kids that come out on MTV’s teen mom can do it… why can’t a devout Christian..? why…? Someone, please answer that question to me… because I am without a clue here… if they are so good people, why can’t they raise good children…? Instead of reading that stupid book, they should take some parenting classes… but no… that will just take too much time away from their praying… like if that’s going to make a difference…

fucken james… LOL… he’s making me blog rants, but I thank him… at least he reads them… I have to stop being such a lazy fat shit and write one at least every two days like before… oh well… I ♥ james…

the worst thursday of my life... or maybe just a close call...

this happened too me thursday... fucken nuts...

i got an email about 9am and that woke me up... i looked at my phone and it said that the president of our local reef aquarium club daughter passed away this morning... i got out of bed and ran to the computer... fuck... she was like four months old or something... so there are a couple of threads on RC and shit... so all morning, that's all we talked about... on the forums, on the cell, text, aim everything... shit... it was horrible news and it spread like wildfire...

so anyways... since i think saturday, my right testicle started hurting... it hurt like i sat on it or hit it somehow... fuck... so whatever... monday it went away and i drove to palmdale to help a friend pick up an engine for his 61... the day after, fuck... my testicle hurt, but the pain went all the way up to my belt area... it fucken hurt pretty bad... so i talked to a couple of friends and one dude that lifts weights said it was a hernia, and it will go away eventually... so i relaxed a bit... i thought it was testicular torsion at first... FUCK!...

so today, i woke up feeling all right down there... but after i took my dump before my shower... FUCKEN AY!... man... it was horrible... also... this is kind of embarrassing and weird... but after i finished pissing, it felt like i just finished busting a nut... and it felt like i was actually nutting still... i looked down, and semen was coming out of my junk... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!...

so that shit scared me... i jumped in the shower, and i could hardly move... it hurt so damn bad... when i got out of the shower, i sat on the toilet, and couldn't get dressed... jose texted me to see how i was feeling, and i almost told him to come help me put my boxers on... yeah, that bad... fucken ay... so after i got dressed, i took another pain pill and nothing, the pain was still there... so then i asked a couple of people, and decided to go to the emergency room...

jose took me... we get there, and i'm like... you could jam if you want... but he stuck around for a while... i filled out some paper work, and asked me a ton of questions... took my stats and stuff... then i sat back down... i got called again to finish filling out the paper work since i'm not insured and crap... then i went back to the waiting room with jose and had lizard/reef chat for another long while... then i went to get an ultrasound on my balls and stuffs...

the guy was like... strip down, lay on the bed and cover yourself with this towel... i was like... okay... i didn't know he was on his way out, i just got naked all fast... LOL... so i got on the table and he handed me a towel... told me to grab my penis with the towel and hold it up towards my belly... he puts the cold jelly all over and begins... fuck... it kind of hurt... i was trying to talk to him, but he was trying to ignore me... I asked him how everything looked, but he said that he doesn’t read the pictures he just takes them… i even asked him if he could tell me the sex of the baby, and he didn't find it funny at all... jack ass...

so i suit up and head back out to the waiting room... i got there and looked for jose, but he had left... he called me because my phone didn't work once i went to through the waiting room doors... he told me he left because he doesn't have a window on the driver's side and doesn't trust the area... i said cool, and thanks for taking me... this guy is my best friend... i'm not gonna lie... i felt like crying when i told him thanks... my own sister didn't want to go with me or even take me...

he told me that they had called my name to go in to see the doctor... i go into the other room where all the nurses are... and i had a seat... while i was sitting there, they lost one young guy, and they brought in an old man that was all fucked up... man... i was there by myself, and there was so much pain and suffering around me... i got scared... i felt alone... i never felt like that before in my life... i broke down... all kinds of thoughts were going thru my head… man i felt like crying… then i went into the room, changed into one of those robe thingies, and sat in the room... the nurse came in and asked me more questions... left and said that the doctor would come in right away...

a little while later, the EMT dudes bring in this senior dude... i guess he was getting dialysis and tore out the IV on his arm and was bleeding like crazy... he kept saying that he couldn't see out of one eye... the nurse said that he had alzheimer's, some schizo, dementia, and just old... fuck.. i sat there and wondered if i was going to be the same when i get older... my dad has some schizo in him, and my memory already sucks... my diabetes is under control right now, but anything could happen... i was there with him by myself... that sucked... he was trying to cover himself with his jacket, so i gave him my blanket... i just sat there all cold and full of fear...

the doctor finally came in about 30 minutes after the nurse left... i told him everything, and he started to fondle me up... lol... i made a joke about it, and he blushed... i said that my boyfriend was going to get mad if he left some lipstick there... HAHAHA... so he poked my stomach and other parts, and i told him it freaken hurts... he asked me how i would rate my pain, and i told him 9.5... he was like... how can it be that bad and you have a smile... i was like... look at me... i have a huge tolerance for pain... i rather sit here and smile under the all the sweat than scream like a retard... LOL... he left and i was introduced to new nurse since they switched shifts... after she left, i was alone for another 20 minutes...

i layed back in the cold and tried to fall asleep... all i could think of was death... i can hear someone flatlining and them pounding them back to life... the springs in the mattress are loud... fuck... so much death and pain... it sucks... i felt alone again... then i heard a knock and i erika knocking on the window outside my room... she came to visit... she started making jokes and stuff, but i was just happy to see her... the doctor came back in and then told me that they found nothing wrong with the ultrasound or urine test... that maybe it's just a kidney stone moving along, or i pulled/strained a muscle somehow... WTF...?

he sent erika out, and i said... how could this be that... i fucken peed out sperm today... check me some more... so he gave me a different hernia test, and still said that he didn't feel it... so i made him feel what i feel, and i was like... don't you feel that...? then i realized i'm holding my robe up and telling this doctor to feel all kinds of places on my junk and i might look insane... but dude... it just didn't make sense... then he told me that when he was younger, he would get testicle pains just like mine... they never found out what it was, or why... but they just stopped after a couple of years... fuck... like if that was supposed to make me feel better...

he told me to get dressed and said he'll prescribe me some antibiotics and pain killers... just in case i get more pains or if it's an infection they haven't identified... what a waste of day... i got dressed and i turned my phone back on... i text all my friends that knew i was in emergency that i had testicular cancer and it traveled to my intestines, so the doctor gave me 6 months to live... lol... they knew i was fucking around... none of them believed me... hahaha... so my friend's sister took me home... fuck... what an experience...

on the ride home i was still in pain... i also felt cheated for some reason... i didn't get an answer... i never go to the doctors unless i can't stand the pain... and usually they tell me exactly what it is... but not this time... i guess i prepared myself for the worst... i had accepted the fact that i might have tumors or testicular cancer... i was like... if they cut one off, oh well... i'll live... or if i had a hernia, i would have to hire someone to do waterchanges on my reef tank for half a year... but now i'm just sitting here in pain with no clue what it is... i personally think the cause is some diet pills i've been taking... jose has been giving them to me... the first set of pills i remember pains every time i would ejaculate... a couple of times it came out all watery and it was the first nut... after i ran out of pills, i went back to normal... now that i'm almost done with a new bottle, it started up again... so i'm going to stop taking them ASAP!...

so now i'm here... i have been talking to a couple of my friends, and telling them everything... fuck... i freaken peed out sperm... that was the weirdest thing i have ever felt or been through... fuck... i'm tired... when i got home, i was kind of sad that my sister was just here watching the dodger game, while i was scared as fuck in an emergency room... jose and erika did more for me than my own family... fuck... i love my friends... they are my brother and sister… don't know what i'd do without them...

i got to go... if you read all that thanks for reading... i'm going to go feed my animals and probably try to sleep in my room... my life sucks so bad right now... all kinds of shit is just building up... i thought last year was going to be the worst and this one would be better but damn... i can't believe how fucked up my life gets sometimes... i feel like a failure...