recent update, and some gay rantings...

so I’m sitting on the third floor in children’s court… again… probably the twelfth time within twelve months… this has become the story of my life… I don’t say our life anymore since I have been coming by myself already four court dates… nena was either too tired, or in the hospital, and now… just not with us… so this battle is really all mine… I’m fine with that… I’m the one that has always battled it out… although, I haven’t really been fighting since nena passed and my life is slowly crumbling down over my head…  sound dramatic, but that’s exactly what’s been going on… I kinda don’t want to get into details… I actually wanted to talk about a conversation I had with this cute guy I went out with yesterday… but I guess you guys deserve a quick detailed update on my life and situations…

okay… so my sister nena passed away… um… my dad’s new wife is suffering and slowly dying of some sort of cancerous ulcer… that really sucks since my mother died slowly and painfully from cancer as well… so, I know he’s going thru some nasty shit… I feel bad for the old man… um… my quadriplegic sister got the boot from the house she was living at… that pissed me off more than bummed me out… drove me totally nuts… how the fuck can some super Christian ass bitch do that to a person that can’t move a single limb on her body… that’s so typical of them… stupid hypocrites… I hate them so much with a passion… I hope god does exist… just so those types of people get punished for their travesties… oh… I put my 11 year old pit bull Buddha to sleep… it wasn’t as hard as it sounds… to me, he was just a dog… my dog… a piece of property… I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it… that, and I got two new dogs, pietro and bucky… then recently, the finance company found out that nena passed away… so they are repossessing my van… I only owe six grand on that sucker… I offered to pay it off cash, but they just don’t want to give me that option… they just want to keep all of the money I gave them, and resell the van for 23k again… fuck that… I’m giving it back to them totaled… take that assholes… and that’s about it… I’m at court… tada… LOL..

anyways… I went out with this guy last yesterday… I didn’t know if it was a date, but we went to dinner… was very stupid on my part, since I took him to frank and sons first… hahasldkfjalkdfja;lksdfjaskld;fj… so he saw me totally geek out over marvel vs Capcom 3 and saw me drop 50 bucks on comic books… I know it’s sounds bad, but I didn’t get my comic books last week… so it was two weeks of comics that I had to pick up… the failure… I’m not going to do that again… 50 bucks hurt me… 25 doesn’t… anyways… this guy’s super cool… I dunno if he’s down to boyfriend me… I think I’m way too masculine for him… that, and he says that he’s terrified of my chest tattoo… he’s one of those… but I’m cool with it… he’ll make a cool gay friend… hey, I don’t have any gay friends, so WTF’s up with that face…? Anywho… after I was dropping him off, I was saying how it sucks being gay… okay, I know, I know… there’s a lot of sucking for the gays… but srsly… it’s not easy being gay… especially since I was “straight” for so many years…it’s like… I’m the only gay that feels this way… it’s a trip… and let me explain it to you…

all through high school I had different girlfriends… I had to… I already stood out… so, I had to learn how to pick up on girls… I was good at it… not because I was so good looking… because I’m so damn ugly…but it was I wasn’t scared of rejection, and I knew what to say… I guess I had game… but I had to learn all that shit… I had to go through a ton of rejection… every time I went up to a girl it was hard, but I still did it… I even had to do it for my friends… all of my friends were fags when it came to picking up on girls… like, if it was the worst and hardest thing to do for them… so stupid… doesn’t make any sense to me… how the hell do you think you’re going to find someone walking around with your tail between your legs…? And girls can see that… everyone can see that… freaken idiots… anyways… it was an art I had to master, or else I would be exiled by my friends… it wasn’t that bad… although, high school girls are stupid… I had to put up with those dumb annoying bitches…

so now… say I’m at the home depot… I see some super sexy guy, and I really like him, and he’s all alone with no wedding ring on his hand… all I can do is just look at him, bite my tongue and walk away in disappointment… why you ask…? Well, I can’t just ask some random guy out… he’ll kick my ass… there’s a huge possibility that he is not gay… so, I’m pretty much assed out… all of those years learning how to introduce myself, learning how to read people’s body language and courage I had to earn to walk up to a random stranger for nothing… that shit sucks… I hate it… being gay sucks… the only way I can find someone is either online or at some kind of gay function like a bar, parade, party, or event… that totally fucks my odds up… I don’t go to any gay functions… I have no gay friends… and I don’t drink/party at all… I’m over that shit… why the hell do I need to go where there are a bunch of drunken fags and queens to find me a real man..?

shit’s crazy… although I have had a couple of mans… I had a shit ton of girlfriends before them… that’s not cool… some jacked up odds… I’m a gay man… I should have more gay man partners than biatches… right…? Sigh… oh well… I’m totally screwed…  crazy right…? but I’m tired of that… I’m a bitter old man already… i should be with a bitter old man too… well… right now I’m in no place to date... I’m a single parent, with no car now… I got to get my life straight… I just wish I had someone there to talk to and yell at when I need too… man, I really need to yell and punch someone…

well… it’s 12 noon… the court completely closed down and went to lunch… FUCK!... I’m starving, but I don’t want to pay 10 bucks for food in the cafeteria… I am freaken starving… oh, and another update… I fixed my keyboard… I got a completely new one… now my laptop looks so pimp with its silver keyboard... this one feels better too… the black plastic one got all scratched up and dented from the constant beatings/stabbings from my sharp fingernails… I just figured out why my nails are always sharp and pointy… it’s the angle they hit my keyboard… crazy how shit works sometimes…I guess it’s time I publish this and start catching up on my comic books… I haven’t read any in a couple of weeks… whatever happens today, I’ll blog up a quick update… okay, I’m done for now… please comment and tell your friends about my blog… that’s if you actually read it… if you didn’t, fuck you… and if you don’t… fuck you too…

update... late but whatever...

i typed this up nov 25...


Well… I’m sitting in the court room lobby again… I thought… why the heck not bust a court room update on this sucka… man… well, yeah I’m back again… and today it’s super packed… I feel like bill gates with my laptop out… it’s super ghetto today… LOL… like big time… there are even pimp canes up in here… HAHAHAHslkfjaslkfjaskl;jfaskl;jf… man that’s hilarious… but I mustn’t forget why I’m here… I’m here today for andre… if all goes as planned, we will get him back today… if we get cock blocked… well, that’s something else… we’re all hoping we get andre back… it’s going to be a mission for a couple of months though… since he’s been at the foster home, we noticed that he’s been acting up and not listening… it took us a long time to get his rhythm and attitude own… since he has some sort of autism and other learning disabilities, we have to build a different structure for him… now that these foster “parents” give him whatever he wants all of the time, it’s fucked up… he’s gonna be a nightmare at home and at school…

I think I’m gonna switch it up a bit… I want to vent about my recent chicken massacre… fuck… holy fucken shit… yeah that bad… you guys all know that I have chickens and crap… well, at one of the last meets, I traded some serama chicks for a gorgeous mille fleur OEGB pullet… well.. those chicks ended up introducing something to my flock… OMG out of 60+ chickens, I only have about 20 or so left… and these weren’t chicks… they were full grown breeders and expensive ass chickens that I have been collecting and planning for future breeding projects… sucks… I had it all mapped out and planned… in 4-5 years I was going to have some amazing malay type seramas… now this set me back to square one… fuck… I can’t believe it happened… also, I can’t figure out what they have… it makes no sense… they’re fine one day, next morning they’re a bit lethargic, and that afternoon they’re deadfaced…

Well… after I noticed that cowboy and my self blue breeders were gonna die, I got bummed out sick… I haven’t gone to a chicken forum in a long time… it’s just been hard for me to realize that well… I lost a lot of my chickens… this is worse than when my lake Tanganyika cichlid tank crashed and lost hundreds in exotic fish… these birds have personality, grace, hilarity and showed some sort of affection towards me… sigh… now I wait… I have to clean everything spic and span then disinfect with some chemical that’s super expensive… :sadface: stupid emoticons don’t work here… the great thing is that I have a bunch of awesome chicken friends that are donating some decent roosters to me… I totally feel the love… although, I rather pay for them… I’ll see what happens… 

I just spoke with my attorney… it doesn’t look good… fuck… I don’t know what’s gonna happen… but we’re fighting… and fighting as hard as we can… this is a nightmare… parents worst reality… and the sad part is that there are hundreds of cases around me… they’re all going thru the same shit… it’s freaken nuts… the system obviously doesn’t work… hopefully, we will realize this as a society… all of these kids needing medical and psychiatric help after the they get into the “system”… my kids are getting counseling and other shit… what pisses me off is that tey’re making it look like if it’s all our fault… like we’re the reason they are how they are… stupid state… I wish I could just move my family and animals and friends and stuff to mexico… but a good spot in mexico… like on the side of a mountain somewhere… LOL…

sadness and sorrow is all i feel...

October 25, 2011

Today might be one of the worst days of my life… I haven’t felt this bad since my mother died from cancer… and it’s going to be like this all week…

I haven’t moved from the couch since 5pm… I’m just waiting for a phone call from someone telling us what time and where we can see our kids… today, they were taken away from us… a police officer came today, talked to us, then left… told us that we have nothing to worry about… minutes later a social worker came over… told us that the school reported us… again… no biggie… but this time, he did have a bruise on his cheek from when he fell and hit himself on his bed… we told them, and we told the teacher about it too… but I guess they just didn’t care about the notes we sent with him, and still reported us…

Then the social worker talked to all three kids by themselves… then she left… stood in her car for about 30 minutes talking on the phone… then walked back in and said that she’s going to take them… fuck… it was a huge shock for me and nena… but it felt like a joke a bit… I laughed and started talking shit like always… then someone else came and told nena to start packing up their bags… fuck… matthew kind of felt something, and he jumped behind me and started hugging me… I couldn’t do anything about it…I told them that we don’t hit our kids, and that all of these papers say that he does self-inflicting injuries all of the time… but they don’t care… after that I just sat here… gave them all a kiss, and they left not knowing that they aren’t going to come home tonight…

Right now it’s killing me… knowing that they left all happy thinking they were just going with these nice people… they took their favorite toys, clothes and homework… I don’t even know if they ate anything… I was just about to make them something to eat… i was on the floor coloring with matthew when the social worker came… right now the color pencils are at my feet… when they were walking the kids out, I text jose… “they’re taking the kids…” and he came right away… I feel bad for him because, I couldn’t talk anymore… I just sat here… he was talking with nena and desiree, but I just shut down… haven’t really spoken to anyone… I just ate right now… but I can’t stop crying… I don’t know what to do… I’m just waiting for a stupid phone call… they should’ve called by now… no one has come to my house for hours… I don’t know if it’s a good thing…

For some reason I woke up with a feeling that something bad was going to happen… earlier when I was taking ariana to her preschool, I tweeted “I Have a feeling that today is going to be one of those emo days for me... remembering me mom before I forget her forever... “ for no reason… now it makes me wonder… maybe I knew something tragic was going to happen… but why..? maybe my mother was trying to warn me…?? Nah, I don’t believe in that shit… but still, it’s tripping me out… man, I just realized that they took the kids away 3 hours ago… and it feels like it was forever ago… time slowed down so much… all I can do is sit here and think about them… I can’t stop… bill has been texting me, but to be honest, I don’t feel like talking to friends… I don’t know what to do… I just posted on the chicken forum that I might get rid of all of my chickens and animals…

This Friday we’re going to court… there we will find out what is going to happen with us and the kids… we can either get them back, or permanently get them taken away… if I don’t get them back, I don’t know what is going to happen… I feel like giving up on everything and everyone and just leaving to another state or something… start an entire new life somewhere else… I have done it before… well, kind of… last time I left, I was sleeping under park benches and freeway overpasses with other homeless bums… today is the first time I have ever felt like a failure.. although I know I didn’t… I tried my hardest… I did whatever I could… these are not my biological kids from my own seed… but they are my kids… I love them and treated them as good as I could… I really want them back… I already miss them, and can’t believe they’re gone…

And don’t worry people… I’m not gonna go kill myself… I’m not that stupid… and if I do, and you know me, you will get a phone call when I do… seriously… I have a death list in my room inside a brown envelope labeled “for jose, please read” that has numbers, emails, contacts, forums, profiles, websites, passwords with detailed directions on what to do.. I’m not suicidal… but you never know what could happen… I know way to many people and when I die, I want to have a HUGE funeral… just like my mother’s…

Well, I have to go…. I have to sit and think about what I’m going to do… I’ll post another blog Friday after the court hearing… wish me luck, and thanks for reading… it means a lot to me…